MIL and respective family

[thecanaries]

So I hoping for some advice on where to go.
I have been married to DH for 8 years , good marriage and have a DD nearly 3.

My DH's family are from the north and we met down south and I'm lucky that we live near my parents.

DH has a dead beat alcoholic father (divorced) and his mother is very much the matriarch. She's not at all educated (which is fine ) but this has resulted in some extremely ignorant and Unpleasant views at times.

I feel she resents us living far away (we met in London) and blames me. She's got a nasty side (when she talks about her other daughter in law). Anyway I am always extremely polite however my patience is wearing thin now.

My DH and I hired a lovely Cottage in beautiful countryside quite local to all
Of my DHs family so we could have them
Over and some them stayed. My MIL stayed all of time (which was fine) EXCEPT I was just a slave for 5 days. They are a huge family, I cooked fry ups
Every morning , made lunch and a proper
Evening meal daily. 3 of the evening meals were for 12-14 people and every other meal was a minimum for 6 people. I did not receive any help at any point. The dishwasher broke down and I had to hand
Wash (my DH of course helped) but my DHs family Cleared a few plates but MIL did absolutely NOTHING for 5 days. I mean nothing, not Even a plate brought in to the kitchen.

I gave my MIL the nicest room with a lovely en suite as I thought it would be nice for privacy and we squeezed into a tiny double. We spent £750 on the cottage and £350
On the food and drinks for everyone - bit it was a terrible holiday and I feel so angry about it. I ended up having a row with
My DH on the last night as I felt upset and hurt and that my MIL is Being intentionally hurtful. He is not confrontational and always says I'm being "too sensitive " , "it's just the way she is".

She is queen bee but I also am no
Pushover and am getting fed up now. Everytime We have stayed with her I can hand on heart Say I have washed up EVERY Meal she has cooked and make her cups
Of tea etc etc. I didn't expect her to do loads
But I have felt doing nothing was a
Clear snub. Not One plate was Brought into the kitchen When she finished eating.

My DH family are all a bit like that , I want my daughter to have a relationship with them and they adore her but I feel like maybe I should ask her if I have upset her recently ?

It's making me not want to
Go there anymore as I'm Made to feel so uncomfortable and I kind of want her to understand (and I don't mean it In a threatening manner) that if she's like this to me then I won't want to Come up and she misses out seeing her son and granddaughter.

My DH wants to hire he same cottage
Next Christmas but at the moment I really don't want to. I feel
Like I'm holding it in so much after the last few years that I might just explode. I don't want this to happen but where next??

Sorry for the long post ! Advice welcome -
Thank you.

BTW "fiery" people who fear "exploding" are usually people who aren't assertive at all. Assertive people are calm and see off problems calmly from the very outset.

It sounds like he had a great time if he wants to do it again, but honestly, why anyone would want to do what you've done is a mystery to me! You were just a slave to everyone - why would you want to do that?

And your MIL sounds like a selfish piece of work to me. I wouldn't be going anywhere with her again. She proved herself again and again - I would never believe she could be different.

Yes I'm annoyed at all of them. But MIL possibly heard our argument and didn't speak to me the next day.

DH says I am Out of order for having the row that she could hear but I was at my wits end and furious.

MIL is my main annoyance as she wasn't very nice To me on top of not lifting a finger. I was also annoyed as we gave her this lovely room with amazing bathroom and just no gratitude or thanks.

It was 3 bed cottage which was the right size as DD had a room too and MIL was always staying it was just the other family were visiting

There isn't really an answer but thoughts on asking her "I would hate to have upset you but feel maybe I have ?" And ask her outright ???

Don't do it. Just don't. You are not her slave. Have a lovely family Christmas at home or abroad if you want. Next time, stay in a hotel and organise a meal out with the whole family, visit your mil once on top and maybe the nicest in law, job done.

DH sats he's going with the children and that's that. I said if he were to do that I'd call the police . It was a ridiculous conversation where neither of the scenarios would happen but I hate the fact this woman is driving a wedge and she is. He's always been a bit of a mummy's boy in all honesty.

So if you were assertive - is this your only holiday?

Your DH should be recognizing that this holiday is done for his benefit not yours, so another holiday is needed that you are going to find enjoyable.

Your DH should also be coming up with ways to make it workable. 12 members of his family sat about while you slaved and he watched them. It should be obvious to him that you aren't up for a repeat of this, but neither is traipsing around 6 properties v gripping either.

Let him come up with some ideas - it's his family after all. Big family get to together at a hotel/restaurant seems obvious while you stay in a v small place but let him do the problem solving.

Why would you invite her for Christmas?
You said she's not nice to you. A brief duty visit before or after Christmas but don't ruin Christmas for yourself by hosting a guest who doesn't lift a finger to help and is nasty to you. It's of her own making, if she was nice, you'd want her to come.

We've stayed in cottages with my DH's family, MIL plus BIL and SIL and our 5 nephews and nieces. What worked well was doing a rota, so we knew who was bringing what and who was doing the meals and which days. It just saved so much arguing!

Breakfasts - seriously, just have cereal, toast and fruit. Much easier!

You also don't need to eat together all the time. Go out for one meal on your own maybe.

And a rota for clearing up after meals as well.

It sounds very regimented, but it prevents a lot of problems. I don't get on that well with my MIL so if we all know what's happening and who's doing what that makes it all much easier. My DH likes things to be organised as well.

And if you have to show your fiery side in order to get your point across, that's ok, it really is.

Hate to do this but maybe your MIL thinks

'DIL loves cooking and is always in the kitchen, she has all the meals organised, it was relaxing, but she would always be clearing plates and cups away and I just want everyone to relax'

OK just saw your update - as usual on these threads, it's just as much a husband problem as a MIL problem........

There isn't really an answer but thoughts on asking her "I would hate to have upset you but feel maybe I have ?" And ask her outright ???

NO! Don't do that! MIL is playing you. She will make this all about you/cook up some fabricated story, then maybe cry so your husband will be upset with you and there is another row. She knows what she is doing. You won't get a normal conversation out of this. You say she resents you because of London - she is playing a power game.
She prefers you to be her slave.

Aspergallus puts it perfectly in both posts

Canaries, you're obvs not going to call the police,and they wouldn't care if you did; but your DH can very well understand that you're having christmas 'off' and it's down to everyone else to pick up the slack. Make a list and present it to him.

And keep the better bedroom for yourself if giving it to her is going to piss you off so much.

Yup dh problem. I had this sort of thing with dh for years. He's French. It now doesn't happen as I've put my foot down. In the summer, we went to France near fil and saw him for the day. We had lunch and visited the local chateau. We had already visited and stayed with him earlier in the year combined with a holiday.

DH is just so weak with her - it's exasperating. I feel he's happy to have me permanently upset rather than stand up for our family. I've told him the bottom line is that if this continues I will refuse to go at all which means the children won't go. (Am pregnant). That doesn't sound fair either. It's awful having to do so many days on the trot. I love my DH but sometimes I have regret not thinking about how these visits for nearly a week at a time would be a big part of my life. I find it depressing actually. I want to throw My toys out of the Pram and totally abandon that side of the family but I can't due to DD and one on the way.

I've tried so hard over the years and I'm over it now.

Aspellagus great insight - very true

Is he weak with the other 12 people too?

If he wants to visit with the children that's fine. Have a lovely time by yourself!

Yes. He is weak with all
Of them. Drunken Sister in law told me she thought my mum was a snob to my face on wedding day. I cried that night and he never told her off.

He's a nice guy really and a people pleaser at the end of the day. I'm beginning to hate them.

Ps my mother is not a snob she met her for all of 20 seconds and DH gets on really well with my parents and enjoys their company and vice versa

Yeah he's a really nice guy isn't he?
And yep He's a people pleaser, shame those "people" don't include you. Who should be the most important.

He's actually sounding worse and worse the more you write.

Why are you cooking breakfast for everyone everyday? The more fool you.

Fishface he is nice I assure you. He doesn't see his family often - he's one of 4
Children and he feels guilty that he doesn't see them more. They All live 5 mins from MIL. But I just can't see how we can more it forward. The reality is I do t want to spend any time with them
Anymore. It wasn't always so bad

How many adults were staying with you?

Quacha only MIL consistently but others were round for breakfast for 3 of the mornings.

I'm no pushover. Sorry OP but I agree with several of the previous posters. If you are doing all that,with no one lifting a finger to help,AND spending all that money on them,then I think you ARE being a pushover.