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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's DP's birthday and he didn't come home last night.

108 replies

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:13

I really just need a good moan. We had no plans to do anything today- DD has a friend's birthday party to go to.

I know it's his birthday- but IABU to think that when you have kids you don't just get to do do what you want?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/10/2017 09:14

YANBU. Has he always been an inconsiderate arsehole?

MrsDustyBusty · 01/10/2017 09:14

Of course you don't. I assume he didn't check that he had childcare overnight?

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:18

He knew I was at home with DD last night because we couldn't get a babysitter. Otherwise we would probably have done something for his birthday. So instead he went out with his friends.

I texted him at 4am to ask where he was and he told me he was getting the bus home so I went to sleep.

DD came into room this morning to present him with a card and woke me up asking where he was.

I just feel a bit shit.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 01/10/2017 09:19

Yeah, he assumed you were home, but how's that good enough for the children? What if you had made the same decision he did?

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:21

He knew i was at home because we share a home and I wouldn't leave DD here alone at night.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 01/10/2017 09:22

I don't think you're going to get the point I'm making so I'll leave it there.

Good luck.

PandorasXbox · 01/10/2017 09:23

Is this a regular thing?

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:23

I'm really sorry but I don't get it at all. Where else would I be?

OP posts:
moreofaslummythanyummy · 01/10/2017 09:23

Yanbu at all . He has acted like a selfish prick ! Angry

Chocolatecake12 · 01/10/2017 09:25

At 4am he said he was getting the bus and he’s still not back? Have you phoned him this Morning to see where he is?

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:26

Pandora we often socialise seperately because of the hassle of finding childcare.

He has done it a few times. It really annoys me. But given that it's his birthday I wasn't sure if I had the right to still be annoyed by this because it's 'his day' I suppose and he already knew that DD's plans supersede his.

OP posts:
Changerofname987654321 · 01/10/2017 09:27

If this my DH I would assume something bad had happened as he would never do this.

Has he done this before? Have you rang him?

Butterymuffin · 01/10/2017 09:27

Inconsiderate. What happens when you ring his phone?

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:28

I phoned him at 7.30 am and after many calls he answered. It sounds like a party- at the other side of town.

He did say he'd come home but there's no sign of him and there is an event on that means the majority of the roads through the city are closed.

I don't really want to contact him again because DD is worried and I am getting her ready for her party.

OP posts:
Changerofname987654321 · 01/10/2017 09:29

Cross posts. I would be more than annoyed.

DH never get to go out together due to lack of childcare but he would never be so disrespectful to expect me to do all of the parenting the next day or rude enough to lie to me and not communicate with me.

CoughLaughFart · 01/10/2017 09:31

*I don't think you're going to get the point I'm making so I'll leave it there.

Good luck*

Needlessly rude. The OP very clearly stated her partner knew she was at home.

claraschu · 01/10/2017 09:31

I think DustyBusty is making the point that he just assumed you would be in charge of child care, and didn't take responsibility for it himself. Her point is that your DP should have been the one trying to find a babysitter and assuming that HE would stay home if he couldn't find one.

I think by saying: "I don't think you're going to get the point I'm making so I'll leave it there", she is pointing out how un-liberated you are to assume that you are in charge of childcare arrangements. There is something a bit condescending about this way of talking, in my opinion, though Dusty is making a valid point.

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:32

I already know that if I bring up the fact that I am doing all the parenting today etc he will bring up the fact that I went away for a weekend with friends and so obviously he was sole parent that weekend.

And it's his birthday and we had no plans.

I don't think theres a way that I can approach this with him that it wont be brushed off as 'it was my birthday weekend- what's the big deal about having to parent on your own?'

OP posts:
Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 01/10/2017 09:33

He was at a party still at 7.30am this morning?! I wouldn't be happy op

claraschu · 01/10/2017 09:33

I am sure you are more than capable of ""getting the point".

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:35

To be fair he had explored his babysitting options as did I. Both of our sets of parents and siblings were busy and we had discussed this so I knew he was going out and I couldn't.

He went out with his friends for his birthday which I couldn't join in because of lack of childcare. I don't really think that this is a feminist issue. If it was my birthday I could/would have gone out with friends too.

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 01/10/2017 09:36

He knew the OP was at home with the dc.
What are you on about Dusty?

OP I hope he comes back soon.

missyB1 · 01/10/2017 09:37

It's the fact that he didn't come home, this wasn't a ore arranged night away, it was supposed to be just a night out with him returning to his bed. So no it absolutely cannot be compared to your weekend away.
He has caused a lot of upset and worry to you and his child, very selfish and immature of him!

stripysleeves · 01/10/2017 09:38

If he does this all the time then it's inconsiderate - but if it's a one off and it's his birthday then why not?

What was inconsiderate was not letting you know he wouldn't be home.

I would hope that you were able to do the same in return. If you were out with your friends and having a brilliant time on your birthday, and they all wanted you to go to an all night party with them, then as an adult you should be able to make that choice to do that, as a one off.

(The point is not whether you would WANT to do that, but whether it would be your choice as an adult to do that).

Is the problem that you're not getting a chance to do your own thing, ever? If so you need to look at that.

Why were you up at 4am? You're probably shattered today!

Creatureofthenight · 01/10/2017 09:39

If he's going to stay out alll night he needs to let you know that's what he's doing. If that's how he wants to spend his birthday then fair enough I suppose?