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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's DP's birthday and he didn't come home last night.

108 replies

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:13

I really just need a good moan. We had no plans to do anything today- DD has a friend's birthday party to go to.

I know it's his birthday- but IABU to think that when you have kids you don't just get to do do what you want?

OP posts:
ssd · 01/10/2017 12:22

then take your own advice op

Ducknose · 01/10/2017 12:32

He's been partying til the next day at some vague person's house? I'm sorry but I think you can guess it doesn't look very likely. Most people the same age simply don't throw student-like all nighters/next-morningers as they also have commitments.
At the very least I'd be worried about what substances he must have taken.
What an absolute thoughtless fool Flowers

rowtheboats · 01/10/2017 12:37

Do you trust him? I can't believe no one else has mentioned this, but surely the first thing that springs to mind is whether he was with someone else?!

If my DH stayed out all night and didn't get it touch I wouldn't stand for it, totally disrespectful. If the situation was reversed my dh wouldn't let me behave like that either!

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 12:41

When I called him this morning it did sound like an all out party. And I saw him get dropped off in taxi with localish friend when he came home.

Ducknose- his friends don't have kids. All late 20s so there's a real variation in where people are in their lives.

He can't have taken any substances- medically it's a big nope. So at least that's not a worry.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 12:44

I wouldn't focus on your DD in this. 'Daddy stayed at his friend's house, he'll be home later, you can give him your lovely card then' is perfectly fine. It's his birthday, not hers. Her worry over the situation is coming from you.

Whether staying out all night or not is an issue for you, is up to you. No one else can say one way or another and for me at least it's a complex answer.

However, what I think the vast majority would agree on is the lack of communication is unacceptable. I'd be having 'words' about saying he was on his way home then not arriving. It's worrying & fucking irritating, no need for it at all. I don't get riled up often, but when I do I'm pretty clear how unacceptable something is.

Lots of cryptic comments in your posts, so I've no idea what's changing etc, but I hope it makes life a bit easier for you.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 12:46

row you've clearly not read the whole thread if you think you're the first to mention that.

Steeley113 · 01/10/2017 12:50

Only person I know who's OH randomly stays out all night after nights out is a serial cheater...

daisychain01 · 01/10/2017 12:53

I have a lot of issues with how he has been treated by them from a young age

He may not realise it but subconsciously he is mirroring the pattern of care (or lack of it) that he was subjected to, himself.

He's just continuing the same bad cycle.

You are (if I may say...even though I don't know you in RL) his rock,the stability that he should cherish but if he doesn't watch out, he may balls-up the best thing that's happened to him. The relationship with his Troll and DD.

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 12:55

It is an issue for me AnnieAnon.
I feel like I have totally different expectations for myself versus everyone else (including DP).

I work so bloody hard, being a mum, working, studying, trying to keep up with friends where possible, sorting out family visits, attempting to keep a house afloat. Part of that means that I can't just do what I want when I want because it would fuck up everything for everyone else.

Future change is kind of like a job change for DP but will mean far less downtime for him at weekend and a more structured weekday. This is great for him and our household finances but also means I am stretched very thin.

Words will certainly be had once DD is in bed most likely.

Not how I envisaged my Sunday evening.

OP posts:
Ducknose · 01/10/2017 12:57

If he hasn't been taking anything then I don't know how he'd stay up so long and would suspect him and his local mate you've never met were both up to no good at someone's house, sorry. None of it washes with me. But then again neither does the best case scenario, either: that he just doesn't care whether you're up all night worrying about him to the point you're unwell.

timeisnotaline · 01/10/2017 12:59

When you have words, do not let him compare it to your weekend away. It's the equivalent of if you had just been planning a day trip but then came back the next day instead- I assume that would have pissed him off! But also that you'd never do that.

AudTheDeepMinded · 01/10/2017 13:14

Ducknose Ive done clubbing all night on a single glass of plonk. Stamina!

Jenna43 · 01/10/2017 13:31

Omg some of the replies on this thread are insaneGrin.

A youngish man went out to celebrate his birthday and partied a little to much(how dare he) and he's accussed of cheating and drug-taking and being a neglectful parent.

OP has said this is not a regular occurrence so what's the big bloody drama?

Jenna43 · 01/10/2017 13:32

If he hasn't been taking anything then I don't know how he'd stay up so long

I stayed up many a week-end partying in my younger days without taking drugs.

popcornpaws · 01/10/2017 13:48

Jenna43
Totally agree, I was reading this thread thinking, I wonder why these people are all so angry?
It was a night out that obviously turned out to be a belter, big deal, don't turn it into more than it is.

haveacupoftea · 01/10/2017 13:58

He's at it OP and you know it

Fuck sake. What ever happened to women supporting each other? No she doesn't know it and neither do you. Have you really never went for a night out and ended up at a house party after and crashed there?

Those posting comments about how is clearly cheating should be ashamed. I'm a bit sick of posters who cast aspersions on other people's relationships with their automatic assumptions that women are always the default parent and horribly taken for granted and the OP should LTB based on a few lines about one snapshot of their lives.

It isn't helpful and I'm quite sure it puts countless women off asking for and receiving real help and support with relationship problems.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 01/10/2017 14:05

I'd be a bit pissed off but it's his birthday, he's been with mates and gotten carried away. I'm sure he's paying for it and has his tail between his legs now!

PolarisStar · 01/10/2017 14:14

Errr I've been on many a night out drinking til 6am in bars without the ingestion of any illegal substances.

Assuming its a one off and he's celebrating his birthday then its not a major issue!

Ducknose · 01/10/2017 14:14

Oh sorry I wasn't looking to offend. I've never known an all-nighter not to include drugs, which is why I've never been interested in that scene. Alcohol makes me tired, I've never been able to stay out past about 2 at the latest (in my younger years). Clearly I just have no stamina!
Sorry for the solidarity.

XiCi · 01/10/2017 14:24

He's at it OP and you know it
Why are some people so fucking horrible. Absolutely no basis for this, only designed to make the OP feel shit.

I've stayed out all night at parties many a time and there has never been any cheating. Going back to someone's place after pub/club is very common in my circle of friends. Having said that, if he has a medical condition that means he can't take drugs then I can't imagine drinking all night is advisable

MattAlbie · 01/10/2017 14:25

He's at it OP and you know it

What a fucking stupid comment. I agree he has been inconsiderate as an all-nighter wasn't agreed before, but DW and I are often out all night (where we live means if we're going out we either have to stay over with someone or comr home ridiculously early). The last time DW was out with her friends I didn't see her till 5pm the next day - is she cheating and on drugs too?

ssd · 01/10/2017 17:25

of course he's at it, he's treating her like shit

and its up to the op what she does about it to get some self esteem back and regain some of the power in her relationship

Jenna43 · 01/10/2017 17:51

*of course he's at it, he's treating her like shit

and its up to the op what she does about it to get some self esteem back and regain some of the power in her relationship*

You're being really really dramatic.

ssd · 01/10/2017 18:01

I dont think so, based on what she has said. He isnt respecting her and he's stressing her out. He needs to be more considerate and less selfish.

Crunchymum · 01/10/2017 18:07

I love the 'cool wives' on these sort of threads.

It's no big deal, he got carried away, as long as it doesn't happen all the time yadda, yadda, yadda.

It's fucking horrible to have an AWOL partner. For them to not even offer the courtesy of a text or a call is just selfish.

I'm not even going to pretend that it would be ok with me, as it wouldn't!!!