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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's DP's birthday and he didn't come home last night.

108 replies

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:13

I really just need a good moan. We had no plans to do anything today- DD has a friend's birthday party to go to.

I know it's his birthday- but IABU to think that when you have kids you don't just get to do do what you want?

OP posts:
Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:40

You're correct missy. I was totally prepared for him having a lie in and I'd be getting DD ready for party on my own anyway (Not a big deal in itself). It's just the fact that he's not here.

Which i know will get turned around into " You didn't need me this morning anyway."

OP posts:
Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:41

Couldn't sleep stripysleeves. He has previous for falling asleep on the nightbus and waking up in the next town along. I find it hard to settle if I don't know where or when people are coming and going.

OP posts:
stripysleeves · 01/10/2017 09:42

I don't think theres a way that I can approach this with him that it wont be brushed off as 'it was my birthday weekend- what's the big deal about having to parent on your own?'

The issue is him saying one thing and doing another. He should have let you know what he was doing.

Waiting for someone and not knowing where they are is no fun.

Him going out for his birthday is a red herring, you shouldn't go down that road IMO because why shouldn't he if it's a one off?

It's being inconsiderate with your feelings and leaving hyou hanging on that's the issue.

Is this part of a bigger pattern of behaviour or a one off?

Wheelerdeeler · 01/10/2017 09:42

It's about consideration and communication. Op's oh didn't show either.

toopeoply · 01/10/2017 09:42

I get it Dusty.

The point is he assumed.

Anyway, I feel for you op. I'd definitely be pissed off. Not sure what I'd do about it though

PandorasXbox · 01/10/2017 09:45

He didn't assume. He already knew the mother of his dc was already at home with them and I'm guessing presumed wouldn't just off and out leaving them alone. Hmm

mollifly · 01/10/2017 09:46

Oh OP, I would be furious and you have every right to be angry. My other half has done this so many times and I am always torn between sick with worry and anger that he's done it. Is he still at a party, at 9.43am?

My DP has done this before and not come home because he knew I was angry but not realised the longer her left it the angrier I got.

Try and have a lovely day without him. I find if I go out and enjoy myself for the day it makes me less angry when I get back and also proves to him that I'm not letting us behaviour ruin my day. Keep smiling. Flowers

Crunchymum · 01/10/2017 09:47

God not another "my DP / DH hasn't come home" thread.

Look OP, it's to you to decide if this is ok or not. For me it would be an absolute no no and I would be livid (birthday or not). Still at a party at 7.30am? Completely not on.

pilates · 01/10/2017 09:52

Op, I would be very annoyed to say the least. Fair enough, he went out but I feel it's disrespectful not to come home at a decent time. How would he feel if the tables were turned and you did that to him? Surely he would have known his DD would want to give him his birthday card and present first thing in the morning.

Sayyouwill · 01/10/2017 09:53

This wouldn't bother me. What would bother me is telling me he's on his way and then going elsewhere. I think that's disrespectful.

Narnia72 · 01/10/2017 09:55

I think the issue is not necessarily staying out all night, it's the lack of communication - same as with the other thread.

I have stayed out all night before (probably 3 times in 10 years of parenting), and got absolutely wrecked. However, OH knows it might be on the cards and where I'm staying, I text him to let him know, and not to expect me home before lunchtime. Then I come back when I say I am, or he picks me up. He doesn't do big nights out like that, but goes regularly to football, so he gets his time off too.

OP - with it being his birthday, I would probably let this one go for the day. However, tomorrow, or whenever is a good time, say "I have no problem with you going out, and xxx (whatever is ok with you), I just need to be kept informed so I can plan the family's day and manage the kids' expectations. DD was upset that you weren't there." That's entirely reasonable to ask and expect from a partnership.

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 09:59

I think the doing one thing and saying another is the line I'll have to take.
I don't think I can say nothing about this.

He doesn't do this often. I can think of a handful of times in a decade. But because our social lives are often not coinciding I sometimes feel secondary to his plans etc and I don't even know a lot of the people he goes out with which makes me feel uncomfortable.

I don't go out often because I have a lot of study deadlines (v mature student) and the joys of trying to arrange an ad hoc night out with other mums is impossible. Whereas his guy pals are mostly childless.

FWIW he is still not home.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 10:00

When you went away for the weekend OP (which you expect to be his defence), did you just fuck off out on Friday night and not bother coming home all weekend without any warning?

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 10:10

I got it Dusty

But, tbf, you don't 'babysit' your own children, so he didn't need to make sure he had childcare, his partner had it covered.

Just in the same way that when she went away for the weekend, she didn't need to arrange childcare, she just told him he was going.

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 10:11

How do you know what the OP did when she went away Schmoopy ?

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 10:21

bastardkitty I'd have to be an absolute arsehole to just run off for a weekend with no warning.

But yeah- unless i'd arranged to go away when DP was working then it is implicit (in our house) that he'd be looking after DD. We're both parents here.

OP posts:
Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 10:35

bastardkitty she said she went away for the weekend and he was the sole parent.

So she didn't arrange childcare. A parent isn't 'childcare'.
I'm assuming that she wasn't just not there anymore, so I'm assuming a conversation took place about her not being there. She went, and she has mentioned it in passing, so he didn't refuse to do it. I'm no Sherlock, but the clues are all there.

Troll He doesn't do it very often (half a dozen times in a decade is nothing really). It doesn't stop you from feeling cross about it at the time, but really, I don't think this on its own is a massive problem.

Although I do agree that it is a thread that would never have arisen had communication parameters been agreed and stuck to.

That's probably the way forward.

Then again, if communication difficulties were eradicated, Relationships would be a very quiet place Wink

Pengggwn · 01/10/2017 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLittleDragon · 01/10/2017 10:54

I'd be fuming. If it was arranged in advance then I'm. But to say he's on his way at 4am and still not be at home at 10am knowing his dd and wife is waiting with his bday presents etc... that's very disrespectful and selfish. You don't even know where he is or who he's with. If you overlook it it gives him the green light to do it again.

Where is he?! Most people have homes to go to after a night out. If he was crashing in a mate's sofa then it would have to be a very good mate and one that you'd probably then know yourself very well. I'd want a lot of answers.

MyLittleDragon · 01/10/2017 10:54

*then ok

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 01/10/2017 11:00

He has form for staying out until the next morning? Unless he’s 19 he must have a shit load of stamina to party til 9am!

I hate to be the one to ask but do you think he’s with another woman/women? Very weird that he’s getting th bus home then 3.5 hours later he’s at some random party,

Regardless, it’s disrespectful to stay put until the next day when you have children together, not least because the worry it’ll no doubt cause everyone.

Is he home yet?

stripysleeves · 01/10/2017 11:03

Very weird that he’s getting th bus home then 3.5 hours later he’s at some random party

I don't find that weird at all.

In my 20s we partied all night and all the next day too!

On the very, veryrare ocurances I get together with my old friends without kids, we might be up till 9am, particularly if at a party.

Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 11:06

Is it only my dh who would have chosen a night in with me if we couldn't have gotten a babysitter?

stripysleeves · 01/10/2017 11:07

Santawontbelong do you think that is kind or helpful to the OP? Hmm

Original poster
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 11:10

He is now home- sent straight into a shower and into bed.

I know he got a taxi home with a friend who lives relatively near us (but whom I have never met.)

He was at a party of someone who I don't know at all. Haven't even heard of.

I don't think he's cheating. Just in my bones it's one of those things that i know. (He would lose absolutely everything including his extended family.)

The stress has made my ibs flare up and DD's lovely friend's mum has taken DD to the party which I am so grateful for.

OP posts:
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