Page 3 | It's DP's birthday and he didn't come home last night.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 2017-10-01T08:13:17+00:00

I really just need a good moan. We had no plans to do anything today- DD has a friend's birthday party to go to. I know it's his birthday- but IABU to think that when you have kids you don't just get to do do what you want?

Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 11:10

Just mean he doesn't seem to have a record for putting the op's feelings before his own. .
He doesn't sound like a man in a committed relationship with a dc. He sounds like a lodger tbh.

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 11:12

Santa it did cross my mind. And again this feeds into my feelings that I think I mentioned earlier about sometimes feeling secondary to his social life.

I don't feel particularly respected at this point in time.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2017 11:17

So even though your DD had a party to go to (could that have been avoided?) why wasn't some sort of family celebration organised?

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 11:27

So hard to reply without outing entirely nannyogg.

Party fairly unavoidable- we spend significant time with the family.

Re: family celebration. I'm not particularly pleased about it either but seemingly DP's entire family (many siblings) is busy with other things today and couldn't come through for a visit (not local.) We did try to arrange but everything quite unsuitable for a Sunday night when DD has school in the morning. (We did also try to arrange for Fri or Sat but didn't work out.)

OP posts:

ssd · 01/10/2017 11:33

he's at it op and you know it

you need to have a read through the relationship boards here to decide what you want to do about it

daisychain01 · 01/10/2017 11:37

Fact is, troll whatever perspective you try to take about this arrangement of separate socialising to cover your childcare, the reality is that he sounds like a single, carefree irresponsible teenager who is happy to get bladdered, fall asleep on the night bus and leave you wondering what's going on.

It's a pattern of behaviour and a mindset that is difficult to break because a precedent has been set.

He takes you for granted, and lacks respect. As long as he has his night out, that's what at counts and, come hell or high water, nothing's gonna stop him.

It has passed him by at 100,000 feet that his DD wanted to bring him a birthday present and he has let her down because he's acting the teenager and unwilling to change his life for anyone ever his DD. That's the saddest part of the story....

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 11:39

ssd I've helped a fair few people out on relationships over the years. I am the one my friends go to for relationship stuff.

I am just stuck between a "DP is a bit of an arse" and "DP is also a good dad and partner most of the time and is very supportive of my life in general."

It's probably very common. I am just tired and feeling literally shit today and wanted to vent.
He's still an arse and there will be a conversation but I feel a bit better knowing that a lot of posters wouldn't have tolerated this at all and so i'm not entirely unreasonable.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 01/10/2017 11:39

And so sorry about your flare up - that's stress

daisychain01 · 01/10/2017 11:40

You are soooooooooo NNNBU!

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 11:41

Totally agree daisychain.

As much as he is a good father in many respects he did not have a good role model for this- I doubt it's even crossed his mind that DD was put out by him not being there.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 01/10/2017 11:45

Maybe how's about the time to talk with him, when the dust settles, in terms of the straw has broken the camel's back. The arrangements of the past were then, and now things need to shift, DD is getting older, things are different and you both need to agree a new way of being that fits in more appropriately with the demands of your (collective) family.

See if a "how many beans make five" conversation lands well with him and if he's receptive to make changes together because you're not prepared to put up with his shit any more

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2017 11:47

He's disrespected you. It sounds as if it's not the first time. What happens when he does this? Do you think he did it again because you didn't organise anything for his birthday? As a family, we always mark birthdays and at least go out for lunch/dinner, dd Dh and I.

kateandme · 01/10/2017 11:48

surely someone should have organised something for him.im saying this because does it mean that from both sides care for eachother isn't number one.drifted apart...
sorry bout your ibs.is there a position that helps.anything you can do.take some really deep breathes let your belly fully expand and decrease untense and clench that tummy again.reaaaally take some deep breathe hun.
lie on your back gentle massage tummy.
read good book or watch thoughtless tv whilst you have some quiet then.dnt sit there and brew over him upstairs.
woudk it make it better today if you could go out for meal togthers.or sit down for a film.is there anything to rectify how your feeling again and bring family feeling back.or if not.could you suggest to this friend to come back for a cuppa and cake or out to coffee.
I cant believe someone would stay out all night like that and with such little contact.if my dad did that to my mum id have his bollox!
big hugs.

bastardkitty · 01/10/2017 11:50

You have literally no idea where he has been and what he has been doing and you seem completely unconcerned about that apart his absence.

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 11:53

Things are going to change due to an external factor. So his current weekend stuff will be massively impacted in a month or so. I know change is coming from a behavioural standpoint due to necessity but I am now considering this from a mentality standpoint as his family not making an effort for his birthday is not unusual.

I have a lot of issues with how he has been treated by them from a young age. We have discussed it in the past and It's not something either of us understand. But it has just dawned on me that although we're on the same page parenting wise for most things,(We're not 'babysitters' for our child for example.) I think his past colours his decision making when it comes to DD and he just doesn't have the same level of thought towards her- possibly because it wasn't afforded to him.

This got very deep all of a sudden!

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2017 11:56

I think you take the line -

'Your daughter came to wake her daddy up with a card this morning... but he wasn't there as he hadn't come home. She'll remember that.

Don't be THAT dad'

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2017 11:58

Even if his wider family wasn't available, a birthday breakfast before the party (either at home or a diner nearby or something) would have marked the day as a family event.

He clearly needs signposts as to what happens for family occasions.

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 11:59

Mummyoflittledragon- we had planned to go for dinner tonight when DD is back from her party. I think this is probably unlikely now.

Bastardkitty fair point. I really don't believe that he would cheat. I suppose it's not something I want to think about particularly. I have absolutely no proof of anything nor do I particularly suspect anything.

OP posts:

missarcher · 01/10/2017 11:59

The very fact he's just pulled this stunts kinda proves he isn't a good dad...

kateandme · 01/10/2017 12:03

he needs help on how to be a dad or family figure I think.especially since now even on his birthday with you guys he hasn't been celebrated.surely this is ingraining what he been told of himself all his life.
also I'm unsure how you say thing will be changing.but could he be acting out because this is the last time as you say he will do this therefore hes going big.

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 12:03

Nanny- he was always going to have a night out for his birthday- that is absolutely fine. I knew there would probably have been a hangover and so birthday breakfast was not on the agenda.

Dinner would be fine. That was the plan. I am not particularly in the mood now though. He is in bed. I am having an ibs party on my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 01/10/2017 12:08

I do feel bad that he hasn't been celebrated today kate- but a) how do you celebrate somebody not present? b) DD is out at party now and he is in bed she can give him her present when she returns.

I hope this is the last time he does this. I am going to make my upset quite clear. I meant that his socialising pattern is going to change drastically soon and so I am expecting less of the seperate socialising in future. This staying out all night business is not a regular thing.

missarcher- yeah I don't think it's a particularly great or thoughtful parenting move but I am not going to judge his entire worth as a parent over it.

OP posts:

LIZS · 01/10/2017 12:10

In my 20s we partied all night and all the next day too!

But I'm guessing you didn't have family responsibilities and your p was there with you. You don't now need prompting to get yourself on a bus home in the early hours but then continue to party regardless. Selfish behaviour, birthday or no birthday.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 01/10/2017 12:18

This is the sort of thing me and DP would do seperately, although we would usually be much better at communicating about it. As long as there's nothing planned the next day I don't see the problem with it.

I'm baffled by people thinking that staying up late means cheating.

stripysleeves · 01/10/2017 12:19

But I'm guessing you didn't have family responsibilities and your p was there with you. You don't now need prompting to get yourself on a bus home in the early hours but then continue to party regardless. Selfish behaviour, birthday or no birthday.

LIZS sorry I should have been clearer.

My post was in response to someone who was saying the OP should be concerned about her DH being unfaithful because it was odd behaviour to stay out till 9am partying.

My point was that staying out all night partying does not = an affair. Plenty of people stay up all night at a party because it's fun, or possibly because they're too drunk to make sensible decisions.

That was all. I wasn't making a comment on his responsibilities.