To say you've no choice?

[Fauxtatoes]

I need help Mumsnet.

DH has gotten a new job. It's an amazing opportunity for all of us, huge increase in salary and perks out the wazoo including private school for DD 16. This job will change all of our lives.

The issue is that DD is flat out refusing to move. She said she wants to stay where we are (really rural) despite us moving near a major city, with public transport, which would give her the independence and freedom she moans about not having.

I feel guilty about forcing her because she got very upset. Has anyone been through this and managed to change their minds? If she still refuses DH will have to go alone as this job is going to make him in his industry

I would go with a compassionate non-negotiable - we are going to need to go, so what is going to help you make the most of the move? Do you need to visit where we will be living, do you have a preference on the house we choose, shall we look at schools and clubs together (ie help her come to terms with it, possibly in her own time, but be clear she can't change the plan - this will leave her feeling guilty and anxious, better that she blame you).

There was a thread on here about university lecturer being horrified by the amount of parents who had to hold their children's hands at university. A place which use to mean complete freedom and independence for young adults now over-run with precious parents.

When posters start to talk about corporal punishment on a thread about relocation, you can tell who these parents are.

I left home the day of my 16th birthday, it was more than 20 years ago.

Incredibly wealthy very respected parents who usually had people grovelling and hanging on their every instruction. There was still fuck all they could do to get me back home despite it being more than 20 years ago

How old is DD?

Cannot believe how horrible end dosmissive ppl are about their own kids

Twenty years ago we moved 200 miles. My son was 5 and it took him 9 years to forgive us. Obviously we had a normal life, had fun, outings etc but he would still say he wanted to go home. So 20 years ago it did happen. If I could go back I wouldn't do it, I think we were selfish and were lucky that our other children were OK with it.

Our conclusion was that it's essentially a career opportunity which will unlikely come again. There are times when we, as parents, have to make difficult decisions which will have a long term benefit for all. Albeit with short term consequences. We will listen to what they say but, ultimately, the final decision lies with us. Do you really think it will benefit the 15 and 16 year old? Seem a terrible time to move to another country, a different school system.

Happened to me at the same age, except it was to the other side of the world. I was told we were moving, staying wasn't an option. It was made to seem exciting etc. Be sure to tell her that when she's 18, she can always move back.

I moved age 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 11 and I can't even count the rest. It's difficult sometimes especially if you've been somewhere a while. I did start to dread the "we are moving" talks! Parents moved again when I was about 18, again when I was 20 and then I stopped counting. Two nursery schools, 3 primary (one for 6 weeks), 3 secondary, 2 colleges. I do remember having a massive cry and saying I didn't want to move because I was scared of the change again

My parents moved when I was 16, moved country though. I didn’t want to go and do feel it is a hard time to move. I gave them quite a lot of trouble - tried to sneak out of the house to go back and visit my friends (had bought cheap ferry tickets). In the end I did enjoy our new home and actually it was probably a good move for me but I would never have admitted that to them.

Shes 16 - if you need to move then she just has to go. Do however agree though that if possible delay her move till after gcse’s

Slightly different but we moved from the edge of a small town to a field (i.e. Totally rural) when I was 14. I wasn't consulted. I hated it. My parents moaned about having to be a taxi service (bus stop 2 miles away and only a service two days a week. I cycled A LOT). They still live there and I still hate it. But just had to make the best of it. I was a teen. It seemed like the end of the world but I did get over it (sort of).

Gatehouse what will you do if the two eldest refuse to emigrate? At their age they don't have to go with you.

oh she might hate you for a little while but she'll get over it. she's 16 and moving is life sometimes. my dd was scared to go to uni but now loves it, is flying on every level and is saving for her own house.

Getting out of your comfort zone is usually worth it

I would let her finish her education - moving her will take away her peers - and their support when she needs it most. Could your husband go and you follow? We did that for nine months and it worked out ok.

oh she might hate you for a little while but she'll get over it. she's 16 and moving is life sometimes. my dd was scared to go to uni but now loves it, is flying on every level and is saving for her own house.

Your DD's experience has nothing to do with the OP

It's a difficult one. On one hand No one wants to have an upset teenager, and we have all been 16 and remember how intense things can feel at that age. On the other hand, your dd could leave home in a couple of years and you might be stuck if this opportunity doesn't come again. For the sake of her having it her way for a couple of years you could miss out and love with that decision for the next 20 years!

When I was 17 I didn't get into the university of my choice, which meant I was going to have to move away. I was devastated! I had a boyfriend (my first) and my friends, including my best friend, who were going to the local uni. In the summer before I went, boyfriend dumped me (Not related to me going) and took up with my best friend. Getting away was suddenly a huge relief and I thank my lucky stars fate threw me that curve ball! I had one of the best times of my life at university in the end.

Similarly my dd (11) cried for weeks when she found out her best friend, who was going to be the only person she knew in her class, was going to a different secondary school. As it turns out, they fell out before it even happened and dd is living her new friends in her class.

My point is, in the teenage years things can change suddenly, and it seems a bit precarious to put the whole family's future in the basis of friendship groups of a 16 year old. But I would try talking to her about how the move will affect all of you, maybe she will see that putting her needs in front of the rest of the family is a bit selfish, especially as her near future may well involve moving away anyway

She's a kid. You're the adults. This wouldn't even be a discussion 20 years ago but now apparently kids are the boss

20 years ago, it was far more common for 16 year olds to be living independently of their parents. The OP's DD would have simply left home.

my dd was scared to go to uni but now loves it

There's a hell of a difference between going to uni for your own benefit and being dragged unwillingly across the country for someone else's.

Until your DD is the breadwinner l think she has to comply with your wishes if there is no obvious option.

So much could change

We have just moved our DC again, they are 9 and have lived in three countries, we are very aware that it is hard on them and they wouldn't choose this level of change in their lives. We do however on balance believe that they gain more than they lose. What works for us is being open about hard it is at times, allowing time for sadness for lost friendships, accepting that we will have some challenging behaviours before and after the move and facilitating all the possible options for DC to remain in contact with friends. We make sure we spend time in the new place as a family doing things that wouldn't have been possible in the last place. Also highlight that change happens a lot, my DD's best friend moved at the same time as her, not to another country only round the ring road but she still changed school and said goodbye to all of her friends.

i would take her on a weekend trip to look around. show her round the school she could be attending. go and drive round the neighbourhood you're thinking of. talk about the perks. ask her to go with an open mind, and if she still really doesn't want to go, then allow her that decision. if she goes on the weekend with a more positive viewpoint she might come round.

OP can you clarify when her school leaving exams are? Until we know this, how can anyone comment. Surely if she's 16, exams are imminent - even if not GCSEs?
Why so little info?

She can keep in touch with friends via skype/email/facebook/whatsapp etc. You can promise trips back at school holidays or if where you are moving to is more interesting/touristy, you could offer to have her best friends to stay.

The OP has confirmed they aren't in the UK so her DD isn't doing GCSEs.

20 years ago, it was far more common for 16 year olds to be living independently of their parents. The OP's DD would have simply left home

It was pretty unusual for 16 year olds to live independently in 1997.
They couldn't claim housing benefit or other benefits unless they were estranged from parents or orphaned.
You can't sign a tenancy agreement. You can't get social housing unless your family are a danger to you/you have no family etc
So unless a 16 year old had a full time, well paid job they wouldn't be setting up on their own because they had a strop about their family moving.

The same goes for the OPs DD now. Its all very well saying she can leave home but unless she has access to a hefty trust fund she can't.