Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say you've no choice?

133 replies

Fauxtatoes · 29/09/2017 17:28

I need help Mumsnet.

DH has gotten a new job. It's an amazing opportunity for all of us, huge increase in salary and perks out the wazoo including private school for DD 16. This job will change all of our lives.

The issue is that DD is flat out refusing to move. She said she wants to stay where we are (really rural) despite us moving near a major city, with public transport, which would give her the independence and freedom she moans about not having.

I feel guilty about forcing her because she got very upset. Has anyone been through this and managed to change their minds? If she still refuses DH will have to go alone as this job is going to make him in his industry Sad

OP posts:
reallyreallyreallytired · 29/09/2017 17:58

I don't understand people calling her a brat...she is on the cusp of adulthood and should be offered some respect. Moving after her exams and letting her start afresh for her A levels offers that

EdithWeston · 29/09/2017 17:58

There's quite a good chance that what has hit her is the difference between 'Dad might get this job, and if he does we'll be moving' when it can all sound fine/exciting, because it is hypothetical; and what it means when he has got the job and a move is really on the cards.

PPs have pointed out how difficult a move in GCSE year can be. And I agree with this, especially as my reading of your posts made me think that you can now afford private school but don't actually have a place at a specific one lined up.

Is your DD taking A levels? If she is year 12, it's still daunting to move, because there are only 5 teaching terms for A level, and we're approaching half term on one of the long ones. Unless you can move asap (or can find a school on same exam board which does topics in the same order) you are putting an extra burden on her educationally as well as the social issues that arise with a change if school at this age.

It might be worth seeing if she can repeat year 12 at the potential new school (though if course then she'd be a year older than her cohort, which is tricky as they turn 18 if they're very out of step).

The public exam years are never a great time to move, but people do and they all get through it. But I think your DD needs support, not to be ordered to fall into line.

I don't suppose you have family near where you currently live where she could lodge in termtime?

Original poster
Fauxtatoes · 29/09/2017 17:59

We're not in the UK. She's only starting exam cycle.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 29/09/2017 17:59

I think you will have to make her go OP .
You have to be the parent here and not her bf
this move is for the betterment of the whole family yadnbu!

Pengggwn · 29/09/2017 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummytoCSJH · 29/09/2017 18:00

I'll be blunt. It's tough shit really. You're her parents and it's up to you whether she goes or not. If you don't give your H this amazing opportunity because your child throws a hissy fit then god knows what she's been allowed to do or will think she can get away with in the future.

Sirzy · 29/09/2017 18:01

How far into the exam cycle is she? How easy is it to move to the same subjects/syllabuses etc?

AuntieStella · 29/09/2017 18:02

Have you actually lined up new accommodation and a new school place?

How long until you move?

Because I think it makes a difference if you were about to step in the car to go, or if you are only now just starting to plan, meaning it could take a good few months before you are ready (especially if DH has to work out a notice period)

sausagerole · 29/09/2017 18:02

You might have given her an inflated sense of how significant her opinion is by allowing her to "agree to move" before your DH applied for the job.

Her opinion is either a deal breaker or not. If I were your DD I'd be confused by you requiring my opinion when it's in agreement and then not when it's a veto.

FWIW, I don't think her opinion should be a deal breaker. But I think you may have confused her by already giving her alot of say.

happypoobum · 29/09/2017 18:03

What's the law in the country you are in OP?

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2017 18:04

I think the not being in U.K., and not in an exam cycle would've been useful to know earlier in the thread.

If it's not a crucial point in her education, and she'll be able to have excellent opportunities, and it has been previously discussed, and you can offer her plenty of support about keeping in touch with her friends (offering visits etc) then yes, you'll have to insist. Sympathetically, kindly, with love, but insist nonetheless.

If you did not, what option is there? Your DH needs to take the job. What is the other plan?

Ttbb · 29/09/2017 18:04

She needs to grow a spine. What does she expect to happen when she finishes school? Is she just not going to go to university so that she can stay where she is? Moving around is a normal part of life, especially if you find from a rural area. She needs to learn how to deal with it.

coddiwomple · 29/09/2017 18:05

It's understandable she is reluctant, but it will do her a world of good. She will have to move at some point anyway, for uni, for a job (maybe travelling?). It sounds harder than it is.

A child cannot have a say on her parents' career and job opportunities!

She will be the one miserable if you do stay, with no money, and you refuse to ever be her taxi driver, so she is stuck at home.

You can discuss school options with her however, so she can see what is on offer. I do agree with above, she has no choice. It sounds like she will really benefit from it. At worst, she discovers she doesn't like living in a city? At least she will have a go, within the safety of her family and it will help her chose her future.

Don't make the mistake of creating a drama, and make it sound like you are moving on another planet and it's the end of the world.

Topseyt · 29/09/2017 18:05

If it is her GCSE year then now would be a very bad time indeed to even try to make her move schools. Listen to her, especially if that is one of her worries. It could seriously affect her final grades etc.

DH might need to rent some accommodation for himself in the week, and you can house hunt at leisure over the coming months, taking your time to get it right for everyone.

Original poster
Fauxtatoes · 29/09/2017 18:05

He has a start day of 1st November.

I think we need to insist, I can't let her miss this opportunity.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/09/2017 18:06

She moves.

beesandknees · 29/09/2017 18:06

My parents moved me against my wishes at age 14. I The move and the way I didn't have a choice in it, made it really clear to me that my parents didn't care how I felt. They weren't interested in anything but money and social opportunities - when what I really needed was stability, care and a sense that someone gave a fuck about me. When that became clear to me, all bets were off and I checked out of the family and any sense of duty towards them.

I became incredibly destructive. I didn't speak to my father for a year. My parents then split as the stress of the move, as I had told them they would. I ended up back in my hometown after all. It was all for naught.

A 16 year old, particularly a strong willed one who feels she is not being listened to, can easily cancel out every advantage of such a move. You know your dd best, only you can know how destructive she might become if she feels you are railroading her.

If you must force her, at least pay her the lip service of hearing her out and trying to find ways to address her fears in a sensitive way. She is a human being after all. She's not a dog who you can just drag around behind you.

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2017 18:06

Have you asked what her plans would be, OP?

Your DH is taking the job & moving.
How long would your DD wish you to live apart?
What are her career or further education plans?

happypoobum · 29/09/2017 18:06

But you might not be able to insist OP - have you checked the legislation? What will you do if she can, and does refuse?

Pengggwn · 29/09/2017 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2017 18:11

I don't think you should frame it as "letting her miss the opportunity". It's really not about HER is it - she is a young adult almost, and so you can't take decisions for her in the same way as a younger teen.

This is an opportunity for your DH.

Nothing wrong with that, but don't deny her her own opinion about what might be best for her.

Do ask her her plans? If the alternatives aren't practical, short or long-term, then she'll at least be able to see you've considered everything from her point of view as well.

GwenStaceyRocks · 29/09/2017 18:13

'I can't let her miss this opportunity'
I'd be annoyed if I was your DD and you were framing it as above. This isn't about you searching out the best opportunities for her. It's about your DH getting a better job. Yy there will be opportunities for her but that's not why you're moving. And presumably even if there weren't 'opportunities' for her, you'd still move for your DH's job.
A few of us have asked but you haven't answered - have you visited the alternative school?

SuburbanRhonda · 29/09/2017 18:13

She's possibly going to be missing out on amazing experiences

What experiences are those, OP?

CopperHandle · 29/09/2017 18:13

She can, from the age of 14 a young person can live outside the family home.

With parental permission.

coddiwomple · 29/09/2017 18:14

The move and the way I didn't have a choice in it, made it really clear to me that my parents didn't care how I felt.

I am sorry you had this experience, but it doesn't mean it's true for everybody. Ultimately, parents have bills to pay, if they need to move, they have to. As a parent you try to remember the big picture and do what is best for everybody in the long term. At only 14 or 16, you have a bit of a one-sided vision.

OP, what's the school year where you are? It is true that it's not great to move within a school year, and turn up in a class already settled. It is much easier to start at the beginning.
If your DD will have to catch up, can she meet other girls outside of the school (friends, colleagues) and have a least a few familiar faces on arrival?

Even if it's not ideal, I would move and now, if it's the same set up the school year has only just started, less to catch up on the educational level.