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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say you've no choice?

133 replies

Fauxtatoes · 29/09/2017 17:28

I need help Mumsnet.

DH has gotten a new job. It's an amazing opportunity for all of us, huge increase in salary and perks out the wazoo including private school for DD 16. This job will change all of our lives.

The issue is that DD is flat out refusing to move. She said she wants to stay where we are (really rural) despite us moving near a major city, with public transport, which would give her the independence and freedom she moans about not having.

I feel guilty about forcing her because she got very upset. Has anyone been through this and managed to change their minds? If she still refuses DH will have to go alone as this job is going to make him in his industry Sad

OP posts:
CopperHandle · 29/09/2017 18:16

For all those saying she should be treated like an adult; my understanding is that you get treated like an adult when you act like one.
Throwing a strop and "refusing" to move despite it being a huge advantage for the family is not behaving like an adult.
It's not comparable.

LonginesPrime · 29/09/2017 18:17

I wouldn't want to disrupt exam courses (e.g. if halfway through a two year course) but it sounds like the education system she's in doesn't run like the UK anyway.

Can you focus on all the exciting things in the new place to try to persuade her? Has she visited the new place herself?

I moved my children when they were a bit younger than yours, and they didn't want to go at first either. I had to explain to them that yes, they were moving for my job, but that really the only reason I got the job was for them to give them a better life, so really they were moving to give themselves a better life (absolutely true). They're glad we moved now as we do have a better life.

It would be awful to have to force her to go against her will, so I would try and focus on all the good things there (without rubbishing her current life that she's perfectly content with, obviously).

Mayhemmumma · 29/09/2017 18:17

I left home at 17. Not much in it.

The great opportunity being private school? But it's a bit late isn't it to take advantage of this. What are the other positives for DD?

'Perks out of the wazoo' out of the world? What are they? You might need to sell it to her rather than threaten her.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/09/2017 18:18

my understanding is that you get treated like an adult when you act like one

You clearly know nothing about the law then.

LittleBooInABox · 29/09/2017 18:18

Give her the choice. Come with you all, or live on her own. Find her some information about sheltered accommodation. Cause she's under 18 that's where she'll end up. She'll soon change her mind!

SuburbanRhonda · 29/09/2017 18:19

Sheltered accommodation for a 16-year-old?

LIZS · 29/09/2017 18:19

Is she y 11 or 12? Is she your dh child? It would be very unfair to move her so close to gcses if y11, amazing school or not.

Canadalife · 29/09/2017 18:21

We moved from rural to city when my eldest daughter was 16....we had lots of conversations and discussions. We worked hard on recognising her worries..i.e. Leaving friends that she had had since pre school. DD visited her school and had a say in choosing it to give an element of control...we worked v hard to maintain family relationships because they are so important to us. We are lucky it has worked out and she is settled and happy with a p/t job, lovely bf and working hard for A levels. She admits that the move was hard, but is glad we pushed it......long story short keep talking and communicating....recognise her emotions her fears....keep talking

Hatstand · 29/09/2017 18:21

Really surprised at people calling the daughter a spoilt brat or saying her opinion doesn't mean anything because she's a child. What the child wants needs to weighed against what is in the child's best interest. Besides at 16 she would be considered capable of leaving home in the UK.

OP I chose to move school aged 16 because I was unhappy and wanted to go to a different type of school. My parents disagreed but didn't stop me. Two years later they told me I had made the right choice and that they were proud of me. I appreciate your situation is different with the need to move house, but a 16 year old's opinion about what is best for her shouldn't be dismissed as easily as others have suggested.

happypoobum · 29/09/2017 18:22

It would be awful to have to force her to go against her will

It could well be impossible.............

I have seen this play out a few times here in UK via my work. Obviously here a 16 year old cannot be forced to move away if they don't want to. I saw instance where the parents emigrated to Australia and left a 16 year old!!! The mother assumed he would "wake up and get over himself" but he had a brilliant time living with his older cousins and in the end she came back without her DH. Her DS still refused to move in with her though.

SeaCabbage · 29/09/2017 18:23

If you are not in the UK and want some advice, could you tell us a little more about how important this time is in your DD's education?

Has she done the equivalent of GCSEs? Would she effectively be entering an A level class two months late?

We can understand her missing friends etc but can't undertand the effect on her education at the moment without more info.

Joinourclub · 29/09/2017 18:24

I think there a lot of mean people in this thread who clearly can't remember being 16 themselves.

I think 16 is a pretty shitty time to move a child many 100s of miles away from everything they know and care about. Yes she'll still have you and your DP, but no 16 year old wants to be dependent on her parents for company. I can see why she personally doesn't consider this much of an 'opportunity'. Move away from all your friends and the town you know and your whole life, for the opportunity to go to some random private school and live in a bigger house for 2 years before you leave home.

Clearly you are going to move, as that is better for more of you, but you need to show her some empathy. And make an effort to off her some compromise. Flights back? Friends to visit?

beesandknees · 29/09/2017 18:26

As a parent you try to remember the big picture and do what is best for everybody in the long term. At only 14 or 16, you have a bit of a one-sided vision.

Confused Obviously I had a one-sided vision, is that not implied? Do you think I was trying to say that I was reasonable in my perception?

The fact is, whether I was or not, my parents' handling of our move left a wake of destruction. I am trying to warn the OP that her DD may take the decision in a similar way.

OP can be as reasonable as she like, can believe she is being reasonable, we can all believe her reasonable, but that won't stop her DD from possibly reacting in the worst possible way. If she does, no amount of explaining can reverse that - the damage may be done at that point.

Obviously? Hmm

balsamicbarbara · 29/09/2017 18:30

She's a kid. You're the adults. This wouldn't even be a discussion 20 years ago but now apparently kids are the boss.

cantkeepawayforever · 29/09/2017 18:31

DH has just moved jobs to one where he has to live elsewhere during the week.

We're not moving.

DS is 16. He has friends, interests, county groups he belongs to, a school where he is 'known' inside out by both staff and pupils. Even DD, at 14 and just embarking on the beginning of the exam cycle, is IMO unmoveable - she too has a close circle of friends, a consuming hobby (dance) where she has a tight-knit group and a hard-won reputation etc.

We will consider moving when DD leaves school and her dance school at 18, but not sooner. DS will be 20 by then.

usualGubbins · 29/09/2017 18:32

I went through this with DD at 16. She didnt want to go and even got the school on her side! I overruled them all and we went. 3 weeks later she came to me and said 'you were right and I was wrong, sorry mum". It was a really adult thing for a 16 year old to admit and she went from strength to strength afterwards.

Lethaldrizzle · 29/09/2017 18:33

It's not a great opportunity for the whole family if it's not great for her. Could you pay for her to stay with a lovely host family and see her often?

coddiwomple · 29/09/2017 18:34

You are weird, you are the one telling us that your parents weren't interested in anything but money and social opportunities. All I am saying is that parents who have moved their family, even in another country, are not all the same and some move because it's the best thing to do for the family and they have very much in mind the welfare of their children.

You reacted in a certain way in a family who clearly had issues (if your parents divorced shortly after!). For most families a move is only that, a move, it's really not such a big deal.

Viviennemary · 29/09/2017 18:35

This is very difficult. I don't think you can pass up this opportunity because a 16 year old doesn't want to move. Ideally she could stay with a relative but that's probably not possible. . No. She'll have to suck it up and go. And don't guilt trip yourself into staying because a 16 year old might hate you. And absolutely don't put your marriage at risk by living apart for two years. Hope things work out. You have to get tough and harden your heart. IMHO.

beesandknees · 29/09/2017 18:35

This wouldn't even be a discussion 20 years ago but now apparently kids are the boss.

You're right, that's because we are more humane parents now than we were 20 years ago. We have all kinds of crazy ideas about how 16yos are human beings with feelings and stuff. Awful isn't it.

Let's go back to corporal punishment in schools as well, the little fuckers should know their place after all

balsamicbarbara · 29/09/2017 18:38

Being brought up 20 years ago was no torture. If our parents made a decision we had to go along with it and it was generally for the best. Kids make crap decisions, us included.

fairyofallthings · 29/09/2017 18:38

We moved when ours were pre-high school, after that a move was not on the cards as high school is too important to disrupt - not just from the education point of view but also from the point of view of having established social circles during the difficult teenage years.
YABU.

Threenme · 29/09/2017 18:39

I wouldn't make her move. I would stay and let dh take job. She may well be off to uni in a couple of years or in a position to live independently with your help getting set up. my kids happiness would trump my own I'm afraid. Sorry op. Hope you get sortedSmile

beesandknees · 29/09/2017 18:39

parents who have moved their family, even in another country, are not all the same and some move because it's the best thing to do for the family and they have very much in mind the welfare of their children.

Again... yes... you can have really good intentions... you can 100% believe that you are doing your best for your children (I guarantee my parents saw it that way)... and your children can still hate you for it, for a really long time, to the extent that it irreparably damages your relationship with them, for life possibly

The way to mitigate that risk is to at least hear your children out and help them address their fears in any way you can. "Dragging her to the car", as some in this thread have suggested, is not the way to go.

I apologise for including descriptions of my own experiences in my post, as it seems to have been very confusing for you.

The point that it is a terrible idea to tell a 16yo "you've no choice" still stands though.

Gatehouse77 · 29/09/2017 18:41

My DH is potentially going to be offered a job in US. We've discussed it between us. Our kids are 18, 16, 15. We talked about to what extent we should give them any sway on the final decision.

Our conclusion was that it's essentially a career opportunity which will unlikely come again. There are times when we, as parents, have to make difficult decisions which will have a long term benefit for all. Albeit with short term consequences. We will listen to what they say but, ultimately, the final decision lies with us.