To say you've no choice?

[Fauxtatoes]

I need help Mumsnet.

DH has gotten a new job. It's an amazing opportunity for all of us, huge increase in salary and perks out the wazoo including private school for DD 16. This job will change all of our lives.

The issue is that DD is flat out refusing to move. She said she wants to stay where we are (really rural) despite us moving near a major city, with public transport, which would give her the independence and freedom she moans about not having.

I feel guilty about forcing her because she got very upset. Has anyone been through this and managed to change their minds? If she still refuses DH will have to go alone as this job is going to make him in his industry

She won’t hate you op. She may say she does but I highly doubt it’ll last longer than a few weeks of sulking

Has she seen her new school or spent any time in the new area? Can you maybe her there over half term to give her a decent taster of what it will be like?
It could just the unknown that's thrown her off now the move is real.

No, you would not BU. but maybe I'm saying that because my thoughts or wants were not taken into consideration and my family moved every two years as a kid..it was hard on everyone but the benefit of the family unit superseded everything..it wasn't a democracy and the last say was not had by the kids. I wouldn't put the entire family into chaos over a 16 year old not wanting to leave her friends but hey

What is your DH's view? Could you afford to run 2 households until post GCSEs?

If she is in year 11, then I think you should stay put with her until GCSEs are over. It would be detrimental to move at this point, unless you have already lined up a school which does the same exam boards.

If your DH goes before you, he can rent and can scout out the areas where you are thinking of buying. You'll have a bit of a nightmare time with long journeys at weekends, but it'll only be for a few months. But you can use that time to win her over.

"I think the reality is hitting her now and she's scared."

She must be, can you just talk through her fears?

You are moving with your DH, she is going it alone when a peer group is important. I think you should be discussing her future, not here and now.

"I'm worried she'll hate me if I insist. She's possibly going to be missing out on amazing experiencesI'm so torn."

Oh come on! So you're prepared to concede to her missing out on experiences and separating the family because....you dont want her to hate you? Shes your teenage daughter. Shes supposed to hate you sometimes.
Its also not like we're in America here. The country is small enough for her to see old friends regularly.

So my parents moved to the US after my O levels 36 years ago and 35 years ago I was 17, left hime and came back and have never been back since save for visits. They still live there.

DH's family moved from the north east to Surrey when he was 15, his older brother was 16 and oldest brother 17. Oldest brother stayed behind but DH, bro and their much younger sister all moved. There was no question it was happening, but things were different in t'olden days. His father got a promotion, his mother was a SAHM and that was that. Nobody died.

Lots of 16 year olds would find moving to a new school and having to make new friends really difficult. Is all v well to say she doesn't have a choice in the matter, but I wouldn't want to do something that made my child really unhappy. Is she in year 11 or year 12?

Maybe see if you could arrange a taster day at the new school and coax her to give it a try? She may well love it. If not then you'll have to think really carefully about what you do. New job with huge salary is great, but not if it makes your child unhappy.

Since she agreed at the start, this might just be a wobble. Either that or she is just realising how difficult it will be.
I'd spend every holiday between now and the proposed move, holidaying in the new location so she can actually experience the benefits. I'd arrange a visit to the possible new school. You might all fall in love with it or you might all hate it. But it's time to actually flesh out what your new life would look like.
Depending on where OP lives (ie if she is in Scotland) then her DD is already considered an adult and can live where she likes.

DH wants us to insist that we go.

My own relationship with my mother is awful so I'm very careful about mine with my daughter.

She moves. End of. If needs be you drag her to the car

She's 16 she can leave home if she chooses and there is nothing anybody can or will do about it

Tell her you'll stay until after GCSEs and then you move to join dh. Or is there anyone she can stay with until they are over?

End of. If needs be you drag her to the car. Really?

There is no way I would move a 16 year old in the middle of exams, I think it's really selfish.

I think DH should go on ahead and you move when her exams are over. If she doesn't want to come then no, you cannot make her come with you, PP are quite wrong about that.

If she has somewhere she can live safely and is not deemed to be at risk, she can leave home at 16. Is there family she could live with? GPs? Aunties?

Is she y 11 or y12? If in England y11 v hard to move because of matching up gcse courses. If year 12 talk her through, bribe, persuade, offer train fare home for half terms and so in, and go!

Don't move her before GCSEs! But thereafter go for it it's your call.

Sounds like a dc rules your house op. .
She can't possibly understand the implications of behaving like a spoilt brat-does she usually get her own way as this may be the repercussions. . ?

Is there somewhere she can stay locally? That kind of refusal to negotiate with a teenager who is old enough to leave home may well end up meaning she just leaves. I did when I was 17

16 just starting 6th form or 16 midway through GCSEs? If the former I'd move asap, if the latter maybe DH could rent a flat or room during the week for the rest of the school year and you could be getting everything sorted for an early summer move. I'd go to significant lengths NOT to move schools mid exam course like that.

My parents moved after DSis's GCSEs. She wasn't happy about it at the time but quickly settled into new 6th form (& found a bf!) and doesn't hold it against them.

I would worry this could seriously cause your relationship harm. I would move after her exams, I think that is the most reasonable decision.

I moved DD2 at the start of her GCSE years (Scotland). She didn't want to move, but wasn't given a choice. At the time, I was offered a job that involved travelling and was newly a single parent. She settled in almost no time at all, made a new group of friends and did well in her exams. At the end of the GCSEs, I then moved her to a different school, as the one she was at was really shit and had almost no Higher passes and the one 20 minutes away by train had a superb reputation. Once again, she made friends without a problem. She has just finished a joint degree and is doing a Master's.

I can see where your DD is coming from, but she is 16. Its tough shit. She moves with you, end of. Once she is there, she will settle in fine. 16 is a vile age, so no matter what you do, she was doubtless blame you for it. Move, and she will adapt.

I think your DH should take the job, and you should all move but only after GCSEs.

I think your DH as an adult can better tolerate the stress of a new situation with a little inconvenience to himself in the short-term than your DD who is a teen at a vulnerable and crucial point in her education.

She can still have the fantastic opportunities for A level, but you will have shown her needs and opinions are important to you. Resilience and adaptability are great, but stability and respect are also important.

Be the grown up and tell her it's not debatable.
It sounds a great opportunity so good luck,be firm and I hope she comes round.