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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In laws moving house and didn't tell us - AIBU to be hurt

129 replies

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:14

In laws are moving house, completing in three weeks and just told us last night. It seemed they told us as DH has some of his old stuff there like a sleeping bag, backpack etc from student days at their house and they want to know what to do with it....

They have mentioned nothing, we went down to visit them in August, we are also moving and we asked them how they are, their plans for the future etc and they kept completely quiet. We have been completely open with how hard it has been for us to find a place to move - it took ages, told them so many details. I feel like a complete fool, like the relationship is completely one sided. We talk on Facetime every week, they had so many opportunities to tell us. DH has said he feels sick, though he won't say anything as he doesn't want to upset them. DH's sister and brother knew, friends, neighbours, everyone but us.

We have had issues with them before, when we bought our first flat they lent us 10K and then tried to charge 6% interest per month, we were trying to arrange our wedding at the time and we we ended up going for a really cheap wedding and paying their 10K back as quick as we could so we wouldn't incur interest. At the time , I told them I never want anything from them financially ever again. I am a very open person and they know all the details of our struggles with buying this house (multiple buyers pulled out for various reasons), we never asked them for anything as I mean it when I said I never want their 'help' again but I feel so betrayed that the most important thing that has been going on in their lives for the last 3 months and they've said nothing yet everyone and their dog knows.

AIBU to feel incredibly betrayed?

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 29/09/2017 17:17

Betrayed? Why on earth are they obliged to share this with you? Quite aside from that, you know how hard it is to actually get from deciding to move, to exchanging/moving. Maybe they didn't want to jinx it? Or maybe they decided you had enough on your plate without worrying about their move?

Is there something else going on?

Herechickychicky · 29/09/2017 17:18

Is it possible they were trying not to hurt you, if your move was traumatic and theirs was sailing through quickly?

Hullygully · 29/09/2017 17:19

They are WEIRD (unless there is more to the story)

Ask DH's rellies why they didn't tell you

raffle · 29/09/2017 17:20

YANBU
I know how you feel, an Aunty of mine got married and didn't tell us (or anyone) till after the event.
I suppose it's up to them, however, I had been to stay with them a few weeks before my own wedding and it had been non stop wedding chatter!
At no point did she mention her plans, I felt like a total idiot when I found out.

peachgreen · 29/09/2017 17:21

Sounds to me like you’ve been very stressed with your own move so they’ve chosen not to burden you with any details of their own...

CotswoldStrife · 29/09/2017 17:22

OP, you say told them so many details so tbh I'm wondering if it is more a case of you talking and them not getting a chance to say anything.

Moving house - always a stressful time - is a fairly big thing but perhaps not the biggest thing in their life. It's a bit dramatic to say that you have been 'incredibly betrayed' and does sound a bit drama-llama.

Ta1kinPeece · 29/09/2017 17:24

Its when you arrange a visit, ask about parking and they say "oh we do not live there any more" that you should worry
got the T shirt

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 29/09/2017 17:26

Are you sure they didn't think they had mentioned it at some point?
They may think they said the house was up for sale in chatting.
I know I forgot to tell my Dm that a friend is coming from abroad to stay for a while, someone she knows and will want to see. Dd told her in passing one day when I was in work. It's not like we all walk about with a check list making sure to tell everyone everything is it.

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:26

mumona

Noone is 'obliged' to do anything, but we are supposed to be family, they talk to us every week, why do neighbours know but not us, it feels like they could have quite happily moved without even telling us the new address if it wasn't for wanting to get rid of the sleeping bag and backpack...we told them everything, why couldn't they share anything with us at all? We asked them about their plans and they said absolutely nothing. It wouldn't have put any strain on us hearing about what was going on in their lives, it would been nice to know that the relationship was actually real and to share what's going on in our lives!!

There is no more to this story - that's all of it.

We visit them about every two months, talk on Facetime every week. I've forgotten the past with their desire for huge interest payments and am always friendly, DH tells them everything. It is heartbreaking to see how he feels, he is so hurt but won't say anything. I feel like what's the point in seeing them. Maybe we should just go visit for Xmas once a year and forget the rest but it's nice for DD to have grandparents to visit, though they basically ignore her when she's there

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 29/09/2017 17:26

Betrayed is a strong word. Disappointed yes. Betrayed no.

Personally I don't get it but maybe they thought that you weren't listening to them??

Fuckoffwithyourpics · 29/09/2017 17:27

I went back packing for a year. Phoned my mum & step dad from the airport only to be told by the new Home owners that they had moved the day before.

Not a single mention of selling & moving house. We still talk

SandyY2K · 29/09/2017 17:27

The charging of interest is very tight. My folks would never do that.

GhoulsFold · 29/09/2017 17:30

"Betrayed" "feel like a complete fool" "DH feels sick"

Sorry, but it all sounds a bit OTT melodramatic. Unless they're moving to the other side of the world I'm not quite sure why it has created such emotions?

WaxWaxWax · 29/09/2017 17:30

I don't know how the story about the 10k is relevant. It's not your in laws fault you had a cheap wedding, it's your own fault for stretching yourselves financially trying to buy a flat and get married at the same time when you couldn't afford to do both.

You say they've had opportunities to tell you they're moving, but have they really? Your own house move sounds incredibly fraught. Perhaps they thought they'd just quietly get on with theirs.

LeninaCrowne · 29/09/2017 17:31

Well at least you won't be expected to send a "welcome to your new home" card!

6% interest a month - blimey that's greedy!

happypoobum · 29/09/2017 17:37

Yeah I really don't understand all this "betrayed" and "Dh feels sick" nonsense Confused

I would just assume they didn't want to get into a "moving house bore off" with you. They still aren't moving for three weeks and have told you now, so why all the dramatics?

TieGrr · 29/09/2017 17:40

Just curious - does DH get the chance to chat to them on his own at all?

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:40

waxwax

It shows their nature. We had a cheap wedding because they backed us into a corner with 6% interest charges every month. We could have got a 0% interest loan from the government as there were incentives at the time for first time buyers. We didn't need their money but they insisted. We didn't overstretch ourselves, we factored in paying them back the 10K but not with such high interest payments

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 29/09/2017 17:42

They've told you though. Three weeks before it happens. I agree with everyone else you sound quite over-dramatic. Maybe if that is how you usually talk they didn't want to talk details with you and risk getting stressed out by it all. Especially if your house move was stressful and difficult.

I know people whose parents have moved without telling them like others on this thread. Turn up on the doorstep and door opened by strangers. That's something to feel betrayed about!

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:43

Fair enough that the language I used is a bit dramatic,I guess it only happened yesterday so it feels a bit raw but in a few days I wouldn't use such dramatic language. But it does hurt to know everyone knew except us for both me and DH, yes DH often talks on Facetime to them alone and by email, phone...

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 29/09/2017 17:44

Why on earth are they obliged to share this with you?

WTF? No one is saying they're "obliged," but this is just plain bloody weird. And yes, very hurtful.

YANBU, OP. Flowers

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:44

And DH said 'he feels sick' himself...

OP posts:
OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:47

Sorry to hear how much more shit some of your experiences are on here, the mind boggles

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 29/09/2017 17:48

It's about as weird as my dad and his wife sending me a 'We have moved card' and their new address. We spoke every couple of weeks, well, at least every 4 weeks, when I would ring them, make polite chit chat with the wife, ask to speak to my dad and be asked 'What do you want?' every time.

That really was the end for me, after him not having told me about my Nanna dying.

It is not about jinxing it, if they have told the world and his dog, OP! It is very odd!

Hullygully · 29/09/2017 17:48

Oh ffs.

I can't believe all these people saying the OP is unreasonable and "over-dramatic."

In RL people's parents DO NOT move without telling them. Usually, quite some time in advance.

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