In laws moving house and didn't tell us - AIBU to be hurt

[OneMoreFrog]

In laws are moving house, completing in three weeks and just told us last night. It seemed they told us as DH has some of his old stuff there like a sleeping bag, backpack etc from student days at their house and they want to know what to do with it....

They have mentioned nothing, we went down to visit them in August, we are also moving and we asked them how they are, their plans for the future etc and they kept completely quiet. We have been completely open with how hard it has been for us to find a place to move - it took ages, told them so many details. I feel like a complete fool, like the relationship is completely one sided. We talk on Facetime every week, they had so many opportunities to tell us. DH has said he feels sick, though he won't say anything as he doesn't want to upset them. DH's sister and brother knew, friends, neighbours, everyone but us.

We have had issues with them before, when we bought our first flat they lent us 10K and then tried to charge 6% interest per month, we were trying to arrange our wedding at the time and we we ended up going for a really cheap wedding and paying their 10K back as quick as we could so we wouldn't incur interest. At the time , I told them I never want anything from them financially ever again. I am a very open person and they know all the details of our struggles with buying this house (multiple buyers pulled out for various reasons), we never asked them for anything as I mean it when I said I never want their 'help' again but I feel so betrayed that the most important thing that has been going on in their lives for the last 3 months and they've said nothing yet everyone and their dog knows.

AIBU to feel incredibly betrayed?

DH's parents moved house, area, job, phone, the works. Without telling us. We're not in regular contact, and after 3 months DH had to track them down. They hadn't even realized that they hadn't heard from us.

His mother also had cancer & a full mastectomy without telling us for several months.

She fell out with her sister and cut out the entire extended family as a result and didn't tell us for 10 months.

His step-dad was in hospital and dying, but she didn't tell us until it was too late for DH to visit.

So, I get how you feel. If something 'big' is happening in someone's life it just comes up in conversation, doesn't it? You chat about it. Maybe they had just talked about it so much to other people that they didn't want to keep going on about it, but it still feels like being deliberately cut out, as if they want to keep you distant.

So sorry for you, what sad people your inlaws are and their loss. In terms of interest on the loan, they would only get a about 1%, if that, on savings in a standard savings account. I would bend over backwards to help out my family financially, as you can't take it with you. Their loss.

Thanks dressing gown, Wauden, Outlook and all others that have been supportive

And thanks for the insights from others also, it may have been a case that they thought they couldn't get a word in edgeways, me and DH have talked a lot about our house move as it has been so stressful, but we did always ask them how they were too, maybe not enough I don't know

I don't think you've been dramatic. It's plain weird that they didn't tell you.

How did they manage to sell the house without having a for sale sign outside. They seem very sneaky. I agree with you OP but at least you now know where you stand with them.

In a normal relationship with people communicating of course people would mention a huge thing like this move. Sounds like it is one sided and they are punishing dh..
Just retreat a little, lower expectations, comfort dh... I agree the loan business shows a type of character who would do that!! Don't share as much with them, don't feel obliged to do anything esp not Xmas and I would also question.... Exposing your dd to grandparents who... Ignore her!!!

It is weird not to tell you. Some people are though I guess. I think you can conclude sadly though that you are not a priority in their lif

Life!

Thanks for all advice, sunseptember that's great advice, I think I will do a lot of that...it's hard as my nature is to be a completely open book and I'm naturally quite chatty but I'm going to have to bite my tongue and yes comfort DH, poor man is feeling so left out

I think its weird not telling you. How long had they been living there? Worse if it was childhood home. I would go and see them and tell them face to face that you were both incredibly surprised and a little bit hurt that they didn't share such exciting news. At that point perhaps you could offer your services on moving day and after so they can see you'd like to be involved.

One more I was like this with in laws, they loved it as they used it back as ammunition to be nasty. I try and keep quiet now even if it means which invariably it does silence.

In all honesty if you're getting this worked up about it I can see exactly why they didn't tell you.

I'm still reeling from the 6% a month. 6% a month! As others have said that's over 70% a year assuming you managed to pay them the usurious 600 quid a month interest and it didn't end up being added to the loan...

But in the context of having done that (loan sharking your own child!!), the secret house move thing is weird but not unexpectedly so. You know? Awful people do awful things.

My ex inlaws did this when DS was about a year old. We spoke to them every week ok the ohone, met up in town every week and they never mentioned a thing.

We only found out when we took a detour home and dropped in unexpectedly and found the sold sign outside their garden and the house full of packing boxes. They were moving in 3 weeks, increasing the distance between us from 20 mins to almost 2.5 hours.

When my ex asked why they'd never said they were moving he was told, he'd never asked. He made sure to ask every week for the next 4 years though! " Hi dad, it's me - is the house on the market ? are you moving?"

I swear to God there are posters on here who watch and wait, ready to pounce with ridiculous, contrary opinions. Either just because they can, or because they really are twats. Or both.

OP, YANBintheslightestU

Was it you DH's childhood home? Because I'd have felt pretty annoyed with my parents if they had left the place I grew up in and failed to mention it until so soon before it happens. Still doesn't mean they would be obliged to tell you though. Having said that, it does seem odd not to tell their son when they seem to have told everyone else. If they were estranged then yeah, but if you all speak every week - you'd think it would come up in conversation, as it's quite a major event.

Yes it is strange they never told you or their own son when told other family members and other people. You are not over reacting

Of course it is hurtful, they are treating your DH differently to his Siblings. It's a slap in the face, or rather a slap down, so he knows were he is in the pecking order.

I would start with is Brother and ask if it was put to him, as a secret. Do they not speak?

I think that your DH has nothing to lose by asking them outright why he was the last to know.

They sound like people who you've got to make sure that you have got the story straight, as in the loan carrying interest. That is a despicable way to treat your children.

Has your DH asked why they didn't mention this?

I think it’s very odd.

I admit I’d be hurt if my parents did this - though thankfully there’s no chance of that as they are lovely and even DH thinks they are great.

I can only think that maybe they didn’t say anything as you were stressed with your own move and they didn’t want to add any additional pressure to you both grasping at straws here.

Given they’d told his other siblings is this a theme? Do they have a better/different relationship with them?

Upshot is they didn’t have to tell you, but I think it’s very thoughtless and can fully appreciate why you are upset. It’s such a strange thing to keep a secret tbh - or even just not mention in passing.

Thanks everyone, it wasn't his childhood home but it was his home for about 15 years..