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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws moving house and didn't tell us - AIBU to be hurt

129 replies

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:14

In laws are moving house, completing in three weeks and just told us last night. It seemed they told us as DH has some of his old stuff there like a sleeping bag, backpack etc from student days at their house and they want to know what to do with it....

They have mentioned nothing, we went down to visit them in August, we are also moving and we asked them how they are, their plans for the future etc and they kept completely quiet. We have been completely open with how hard it has been for us to find a place to move - it took ages, told them so many details. I feel like a complete fool, like the relationship is completely one sided. We talk on Facetime every week, they had so many opportunities to tell us. DH has said he feels sick, though he won't say anything as he doesn't want to upset them. DH's sister and brother knew, friends, neighbours, everyone but us.

We have had issues with them before, when we bought our first flat they lent us 10K and then tried to charge 6% interest per month, we were trying to arrange our wedding at the time and we we ended up going for a really cheap wedding and paying their 10K back as quick as we could so we wouldn't incur interest. At the time , I told them I never want anything from them financially ever again. I am a very open person and they know all the details of our struggles with buying this house (multiple buyers pulled out for various reasons), we never asked them for anything as I mean it when I said I never want their 'help' again but I feel so betrayed that the most important thing that has been going on in their lives for the last 3 months and they've said nothing yet everyone and their dog knows.

AIBU to feel incredibly betrayed?

OP posts:
namechangedtoday15 · 29/09/2017 19:39

OP they really charged you £600 a month interest (and none of that was repaying capital)? And in discussing them lending you money (irrespective of whether they offered / you asked) you didn't talk about repayment terms before you accepted the money?

Creampastry · 29/09/2017 19:44

They sound like selfish arseholes. Hopefully they are moving far away!

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 29/09/2017 19:45

It's bloody weird, selfish and hurtful to exclude you both from this really big event. I can't believe people are saying you're being ott. You're not and YANBU.

AngelaTwerkel · 29/09/2017 19:56

It's massively odd and anyone who blithely asserts they wouldn't mind/you're being dramatic is lying. I'd be very hurt. Your poor DH.

DontbouncelikeIdid · 29/09/2017 19:56

YANBU. They sound bloody odd and unkind! I'd be rethinking the relationship with them.

CotswoldStrife · 29/09/2017 19:57

I commented further up the thread. I do see that it was hurtful but they did tell you before they moved and I was also struck by the fact that no-one else who knew about it told you. Have you asked them why they didn't mention it?

Motoko · 29/09/2017 20:00

I agree Nannyogg

OP it sounds like they don't like your DH very much, what with the interest and ignoring your DD as well.

Your DH has every right to feel hurt and I can understand how you feel too.

Perhaps it would be better if you all went low contact. It can't be very nice for your DD to be ignored by her grandparents.

Motoko · 29/09/2017 20:03

Oh, and I'm not surprised they insisted on loaning you that 10K, that was a nice little earner for them!

reallybadidea · 29/09/2017 20:06

I just wouldn't have paid the interest they asked for tbh, why would you?!

ChicRock · 29/09/2017 20:08

I'm on the other side of this. We are moving 4 weeks today and I haven't told my parents yet.

Mainly because they're so bloody negative about everything, I can predict the one sided conversation already "what's wrong with the house you're in now? You don't need anything bigger/different! Why do you want to live there? How can you afford it? What if you lose your jobs?" so tbh I could do with a few weeks less of that.

But also because much like the sound of the OP, a phone call with my mum goes...

Me "hi mum, how's things"
Mum "me me me whine me me me complain me me me moan me me me whinge me me me (45 minute monologue later) everything alright with you? Oh eastenders is about to start I'll have to go byyyyeeeee"
Me "...Hmm"

It obviously wasn't a big secret.

So I think you need to ask them why they told everyone but you.

And listen to their answer.

Haffdonga · 29/09/2017 20:13

Has your dh asked them why they didn't say anything?

BubblegumFactory · 29/09/2017 21:39

Well I read the first page of your thread and was perplexed by most of the "don't be so dramatic" replies.
Glad to see that normal people of sound mind have arrived to tell you YANBU in any way.
I find it very odd that they would say nothing and I too would be very hurt.
My mum and I used to talk every day on the phone when she was alive, she would phone to talk about what she was having for tea or what had happened on Coronation Street, so can't imagine such a massive episode being kept from you.
And 6% interest per month? When they knew you were struggling?
That would hurt, that my parents saw me as a money-making opportunity rather than a loved child they wanted to support.
Hope your DH is ok.

CalmanOnSpeeddial · 29/09/2017 21:50

I also can’t get past the 6% a month thing. How did the conversation go? “Oh about that 10 grand we lent you - the first month’s lot of interest is due on Friday. Do you just want to pay the 600 quid interest or do you want to start repaying the capital as well?”

And why is your DH’s response not “Are you on glue?!”

Original poster
OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 22:07

hahaha calman it was crazy! They literally went crazy after we moved in, previously it was all 'pay it back whenever you like', then they wrote long spreadsheets with the compound interest indicated, and said it would be between 3 and 6% depending on how much they could have got if there money had been in stocks and shares, it was sickening. They kept going on about it every week as DH didn't say it was completely ridiculous, he just said 'can we start paying it next month?' because he wanted to avoid having the conversation. In the end I wrote them an email and said I don't know how you can treat your child like this and that we have different values. They called him and said they thought I had acted terribly and his sister also said something along the same lines. I said I wanted nothing for the wedding, they wanted to pay for a Rolls Royce to our venue even though we had reception in a Harvester, it would have been so out of place. His mum then complained loads about 'why should have just eloped', and 'you should spend money on your big day'. It was if we'd embarrassed them in front of their side of the family

OP posts:
Original poster
OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 22:08

*we should have just eloped

OP posts:
Original poster
OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 22:16

Sorry for typos, clumsy fingers

OP posts:
sunseptember · 29/09/2017 23:23

Umm sounds very odd op. Perculiar perception of your dh to mine money out of him.

I wonder if they are in money trouble and not thinking straight perhaps in dire need they saw this as a life line
.. Lend you money you need and they get tons back.. Win win... And now they have moved because they have actually had to move and somehow blame you for it, because you wouldn't play thier game.. Sorry op clutching at straws here Grin

namechangedtoday15 · 29/09/2017 23:23

That's not the same as saying you paid £600 per month Hmm

There's obviously tension between you all stemming from this, so going back to your original question, yes, YABU to say you're hurt by it. Its their life, they've told you now but sounds as though the relationship deteriorated some time ago.

underneaththeash · 29/09/2017 23:29

Your in laws moving has nothing to do with you, unless you're very young.

I can't imagine informing my mum (unless its a quick chat) that we're moving. you have now become a complete u to with your DH and its your family decision when and if to move, you don't inform anyone else and they don't inform you. Its quite special.......its the world and us

Adarajames · 29/09/2017 23:41

People do do this in RL, my Grandparents moved numerous times without telling any of their offspring they were moving, or the new contact details, sometimes for months, and occasionally years, after they had done so; and they moved very very regularly (many many more times than your average person moves!) so happened lots of times

PrimalLass · 29/09/2017 23:43

Your in laws moving has nothing to do with you, unless you're very young. I can't imagine informing my mum (unless its a quick chat) that we're moving.

Odd. Unless there's a back story. I can't imagine not telling my mum. Just odd.

SquidgeyMidgey · 29/09/2017 23:44

It doesn't sound like a fantastic relationship so I won't say you shouldn't be upset but I will say I don't think you should be surprised. Possibly they didn't want to come over as smug when you've struggled to move, possibly they genuinely didn't think it was huge news to a grown up child- are they leaving the country?

Duck90 · 29/09/2017 23:46

underneaththeash genuinely asking. But would that apply to not mentioning you had a new job, expecting a baby, getting a new pet (for example). Is it just your mum, or do you tell friends about what’s happnening in your life?

2rebecca · 29/09/2017 23:48

Agree they could have told you but I do wonder if you do have one sided conversations as it sounds like you and your husband overshare the minutiae of your lives. Maybe do less sharing your stuff and more asking about their stuff. It also sounds as though you still resent them and don't like them much so as long as they're not moving next door does it matter if they're moving?

SquidgeyMidgey · 29/09/2017 23:52

Duck90, I don't share a lot with my mum either. She's similar to ChicRock's in that everything has to come back to being about her somehow and frankly I'm tired of her batshit crazy escapades. I also agree with 2rebecca, OP did say she's very open, possibly an over-sharer and the PILs just aren't.

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