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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws moving house and didn't tell us - AIBU to be hurt

129 replies

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:14

In laws are moving house, completing in three weeks and just told us last night. It seemed they told us as DH has some of his old stuff there like a sleeping bag, backpack etc from student days at their house and they want to know what to do with it....

They have mentioned nothing, we went down to visit them in August, we are also moving and we asked them how they are, their plans for the future etc and they kept completely quiet. We have been completely open with how hard it has been for us to find a place to move - it took ages, told them so many details. I feel like a complete fool, like the relationship is completely one sided. We talk on Facetime every week, they had so many opportunities to tell us. DH has said he feels sick, though he won't say anything as he doesn't want to upset them. DH's sister and brother knew, friends, neighbours, everyone but us.

We have had issues with them before, when we bought our first flat they lent us 10K and then tried to charge 6% interest per month, we were trying to arrange our wedding at the time and we we ended up going for a really cheap wedding and paying their 10K back as quick as we could so we wouldn't incur interest. At the time , I told them I never want anything from them financially ever again. I am a very open person and they know all the details of our struggles with buying this house (multiple buyers pulled out for various reasons), we never asked them for anything as I mean it when I said I never want their 'help' again but I feel so betrayed that the most important thing that has been going on in their lives for the last 3 months and they've said nothing yet everyone and their dog knows.

AIBU to feel incredibly betrayed?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 23:59

i think you are right, there are so many uncomfortable silences with DH's parents so I partly think we talk a lot to fill in the blanks, think we should just stop that. TBH I'm starting to think it's a good thing, we won't feel like we have to visit a lot as they are moving two hours away rather than an hour and twenty minutes which is how far they are right now. We could limit it to birthdays and Xmas, and cut down the facetimes, I don't even want to talk to them that much, it's liking getting blood out of stone

OP posts:
SquidgeyMidgey · 30/09/2017 00:01

Can't choose family Flowers

Duck90 · 30/09/2017 00:03

squidgey sorry I may not have been clear. I wasnt sure if the pp that I asked the question to, didn’t tell anyone about their life changes.

I do recognise that not everyone has a good relationship with their mum.

kateandme · 30/09/2017 00:16

Don't want to be horrid but did theyr think du would want more money ie share of house.since Uve borrowed b4 and currently struggling

emmyrose2000 · 30/09/2017 01:08

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at some of the ridiculous replies on here.

In a normal, healthy relationship, telling your family that you're moving is the most normal thing in the world. I have to assume from the replies here that a lot of people don't have normal relationships with their families.

OP, your in-laws sound thoroughly unpleasant and nasty. To not tell their son that they're putting the house up for sale is just not normal, and it certainly isn't nice. Combined with the other things you've said about them, especially about ignoring your DD, I'd completely drop the rope. I wouldn't initiate contact with them at all. And I certainly wouldn't inform THEM if I ever decided to move house again!

notangelinajolie · 30/09/2017 01:41

But they have told you - exactly how much notice would you be expecting in this kind of situation - only we sold ours the day it went on the market and we were out 5 weeks later.

Tatiannatomasina · 30/09/2017 02:47

Its kind of like you are on the outside looking in. Tbh they dont sound like very nice people, at all. They clearly have different values to you and i see no harm in pulling back from them. If they notice tell them they are moving 33 % further away from you, and factoring in the cost its not worth visiting.

Colabar · 30/09/2017 04:33

My Sil and Bil did this. They were selling their house and moving without telling us. We only lived a few streets away and saw them most weeks. The funny thing was in the weeks they were moving without us knowing we happened the be busy with other invites. Bil came around a few times to see where we were as they were about to move, this was before mobile phones, but we were always out. When he finally caught up with us we were moving overseas (which they previously knew about) and didn't take up their invitation to see their new house.

SIL was pretty bitchy anyway, she gleefully told me one day when she was at work at a charity shop and her friend came by with her four year old. The little girl desperately needed to go to the toilet but my SIL told her other people weren't allowed to use the toilet. She thought it hilarious that the child would have wet her pants.

I wonder if these are your inlaws, they sound so similar. She said how she charged her son full board while he still lived at home when he was away on holiday. She always said she didn't want to be spiteful like her mother..... Hmm

MsPassepartout · 30/09/2017 05:18

It seems very strange to be moving house and not even mention it to your DS and DIL in passing. I'd be very hurt by that. It's the sort of thing you'd expect to be told about if you have a normal healthy relationship with someone and you speak regularly. Did either of you ask why they'd not mentioned it before now?

Is it at all possible that they thought they'd already told you?

orangeowls · 30/09/2017 05:45

They sound really nasty. We keep DHs family at arms length now due to previous hurt they have inflicted. Id just go for the seeing them at Christmas option and cards on birthdays etc.

OnionKnight · 30/09/2017 05:53

Your in laws moving has nothing to do with you, unless you're very young. I can't imagine informing my mum (unless its a quick chat) that we're moving.

Don't be ridiculous.

Seriously, why are people posting contrary views just for the sake of it?

If my parents or my in-laws moved without telling us we would be incredibly hurt.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 30/09/2017 06:00

Yanbu I would be hurt. I think you should ask them why they didn't tell you. Get it all out in the open m.

PaintingByNumbers · 30/09/2017 06:10

Good thread for showing how bizarre posters on mumsnet have become over the years.

sandgrown · 30/09/2017 06:20

Sounds like they insisted on lending you the money for your house as they could get a higher rate of interest than in the bank! I would not dream of charging my kids interest. I can understand your DH being hurt if his siblings knew.

WheresMyTaco · 30/09/2017 06:25

OP, you say told them so many details so tbh I'm wondering if it is more a case of you talking and them not getting a chance to say anything

Hmm not once?

Did they never speak then? Not even to say pass the butter?

'We're moving too' takes one second

AnotherLegoBrick · 30/09/2017 06:39

A perfectly reasonable AIBU with the most ridiculous replies. I really don't understand the parallel universe some of you live in...

borntobequiet · 30/09/2017 06:43

The moving house thing is a bit weird. But the loan thing is really weird. How much were you actually paying them per month, what with the £600 interest and all?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2017 07:00

I'm surprised your relationship survived the 6% pcm fiasco. You are right to step back. Your dh has you now and the two of you are your main priority. They sound incredibly weird.

blueberrypie0112 · 30/09/2017 07:00

Is it possible they thought you knew about it since everyone else knew? I mean, it is not like they told everyone not to tell you and your DH. For so many people to keeping secret from you tells me there is something definitely up and I think it could be either about money or your DH is a worrier and would have stopped them from moving

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/09/2017 07:07

YADNBU. Sounds exceedingly odd to me. We knew every last detail
when both my folks and dh's moved. As for the interest, that just sounds as mean as hell. No wonder you're both upset.

blueberrypie0112 · 30/09/2017 07:10

Or the third is they don’t think they are important to you so they don’t bother sharing information. OR worst case scenario, you are not important to them. Which makes me wonder if this is the case since they charged you interests. Who make a profit off of families????

Gorgosparta · 30/09/2017 07:45

Maybe they just did want ti say anything until they knew it was a done deal.

I do think both you are your dh are being dramatic.

Behindthedoor · 30/09/2017 08:08

The interest/spreadsheets scenario and the ignoring of your DD are just horrible - I'd have taken both these situations as red flags.

Sounds like they have no respect for your family for some reason - what's the relationship like between you and DS's brother & sister, and what do they think about all this? Could one of them be stirring the pot?

We had similar treatment which resulted in our gradual withdrawal of diplomatic relations over the years. They tell us nothing, we tell them nothing, long silences when we do see them, but hey ho, just talk about the weather!

BrieAndChilli · 30/09/2017 08:17

My mum told me she didn't come and visit and wouldn't ever come and visit as she found the 2 hour straight up the motorway drive too much to handle.
Fair enough. That's a valid reason for an aging woman.

Within the next 12 months of her telling me that she went to Florida, hired a car and drove around, drove to butlins which involved 3 hours and lots of dodge lanes, and then the icing on the cake Drove all the way to Ireland which involves driving the 2 hours up the motorway and driving past my house (well about 1/2 a mile away)
I couldn't believe it and came to realise I'd want that she didn't want to drive 2 hours, it was she didn't want to drive 2 hours FOR ME!! Relationship quickly declined after that.

CheshireSplat · 30/09/2017 08:29

There's obviously a lot more to this than just the house move. For example, after the interest conversation you sent them an email telling them what you thought. Maybe that's a conversation your DH should've had face to face.

I do think in normal families it would be usual to have a conversation about thinking about moving but this is obviously a family which doesn't communicate well.