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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws moving house and didn't tell us - AIBU to be hurt

129 replies

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 17:14

In laws are moving house, completing in three weeks and just told us last night. It seemed they told us as DH has some of his old stuff there like a sleeping bag, backpack etc from student days at their house and they want to know what to do with it....

They have mentioned nothing, we went down to visit them in August, we are also moving and we asked them how they are, their plans for the future etc and they kept completely quiet. We have been completely open with how hard it has been for us to find a place to move - it took ages, told them so many details. I feel like a complete fool, like the relationship is completely one sided. We talk on Facetime every week, they had so many opportunities to tell us. DH has said he feels sick, though he won't say anything as he doesn't want to upset them. DH's sister and brother knew, friends, neighbours, everyone but us.

We have had issues with them before, when we bought our first flat they lent us 10K and then tried to charge 6% interest per month, we were trying to arrange our wedding at the time and we we ended up going for a really cheap wedding and paying their 10K back as quick as we could so we wouldn't incur interest. At the time , I told them I never want anything from them financially ever again. I am a very open person and they know all the details of our struggles with buying this house (multiple buyers pulled out for various reasons), we never asked them for anything as I mean it when I said I never want their 'help' again but I feel so betrayed that the most important thing that has been going on in their lives for the last 3 months and they've said nothing yet everyone and their dog knows.

AIBU to feel incredibly betrayed?

OP posts:

Parker231 · 29/09/2017 17:48

Seems all over dramatic - have you asked them why they didn't tell you?

MatildaTheCat · 29/09/2017 17:49

I'd find it pretty weird and hurtful. It does depend on certain factors, though. My parents move about once every 30 years so if they moved without mentioning it it would be astounding. Ditto inlaws.

Some people move very frequently and think far less of it.

I would definitely have asked them why they'd not mentioned it. The market at present means very few people have a quick and straightforward move. I suppose they may have been superstitious about jinxing the move?

Its quite odd.

Sisinisawa · 29/09/2017 17:49

I don't think you're being melodramatic. Not telling you they were going to move us really weird! I'd be very upset if my in laws or parents behaved like this.

Ginslinger · 29/09/2017 17:49

yep - I think it's weird especially when they've told everyone else.

honeyroar · 29/09/2017 17:50

Did anyone ask them why they hadn't told you?

GhoulsFold · 29/09/2017 17:50

Hullygully but they haven't moved yet, and they have told them. The move is still 3 wks away. OP are just pissed off they were the last to be told

Chestervase1 · 29/09/2017 17:53

In the current climate I wouldn't bank on the house sale going through, unlesss they have exchanged and have a deposit. Buyers are pulling out at the last minute because of uncertainty.

namechangedtoday15 · 29/09/2017 17:55

The interest on a £10k loan at 6% is less than £600 over a year (on the basis that you're paying the capital down), so an extra £50 max month. That (surely) doesn't make the difference between your dream wedding and a cheap wedding?

You say the back story is forgotten but its the first thing you add about them in your original post?! After you seemingly got stroppy with them telling them you didn't want their help previously and it presumably made things awkward for a while, maybe they thought you'd react negatively to their news for some reason? Or maybe they just didn't want to burden you with their dramas whilst you had your own?

Complete over reaction and the loan/interest story is completely irrelevant.

Mrsmadevans · 29/09/2017 17:55

Ahhh I am so sorry my dear yadnbu this is very upsetting for you and I can see why you are hurt, You are doing the right thing in never having money from them again , just hold your head high and you and dh comfort one another they are absolutely in the wrong !

happypoobum · 29/09/2017 17:58

Indeed chester and that may be why PILS didn't tell OP until they were more sure, because they didn't want to add stress to her sale.

Why are some posters acting as though PILS have moved without telling OP? As Ghouls pointed out, they have told OP weeks in advance, anything could happen yet. It really does look like hysteria because of being the last to know, when there's a perfectly understandable reason for it.

Original poster

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 18:01

Thank you for all your posts and Mrsmadevans you've made me feel a little better

namechangedtoday 6% a month not a year - they only told us after we bought the flat, previously they had said 'you can pay it back 'whenever''....it was such a stressful time. They weren't in financial struggles, they went on a round the world cruise at the same time, so wtf were they asking for 6% interest a month! I've never understood it

OP posts:

munchkinmaster · 29/09/2017 18:01

I think the op suggested the 6% was monthly which compounds into a ludicrous loan shark annual rate of about 70%. I'm sure she meant 6% a year???

TabbyMumz · 29/09/2017 18:02

But they haven't moved yet and they have told you? Perhaps they didn't tell you every detail up to now either because they like to keep stuff like that private or because they can't get a word in edgeways. (As you have clearly told them every single hiccup you have had along the way). Perhaps you have come across as a bit of an expert or they don't want you making suggestions to them. And finally...they don't have to tell you, plain and simple.

munchkinmaster · 29/09/2017 18:02

Sorry cross post they wanted £600 a month? In interest only?

dressinggown8305 · 29/09/2017 18:03

It's not nice that they didn't tell you and told everyone else.

I think that lending money to their son and getting you to pay it back with interest is awful.

Do you think they are trying to discreetly cut you anc DH out of their lives or minimise contact with you? Sorry to say that.

Outlookmainlyfair · 29/09/2017 18:03

I don't think you are being melodramatic. No they are not obliged to tell you, but it is bloody odd that they did not. The only hope is that they did not want to steel your thunder or along those lines.

It is also a little odd that nobody mentioned it even in passing.

For what it is worth, I disagree that it was your fault that you had a cheap wedding - paying back £10k because you were being charged extortionate interest was not what you could have reasonably predicted.

It sounds like a really difficult issue to navigate as it is just so odd - and also you are at one step removed and it your DH that is most affected.

dressinggown8305 · 29/09/2017 18:03

and*

Original poster

OneMoreFrog · 29/09/2017 18:04

Yes munch, that's why I said I never want anything to do with them financially again and we paid it off as soon as we could

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2017 18:04

Matilda everyone else knew

Wauden · 29/09/2017 18:05

It is really not helping to suggest that the OP is over-reacting/etc. She feels how she feels and it is raw.

Take some time out, only email, and sort out the sleeping bag etc. Could have been worse, though three weeks is a tad short, get on with your own house move and good luck all round

wornoutboots · 29/09/2017 18:06

In RL people's parents DO NOT move without telling them. Usually, quite some time in advance.

Mine did.
I found out a few weeks after they had moved out - I texted my brother to ask if he knew what was up with Mam's phone.

when I finally spoke to her some weeks later she claimed she'd texted me - she hadn't.
"oh I must have sent it to your old number by mistake" - no, coz I'd had my old phone charged for the 2 months I'd had the new one to catch the people who messed up with changing numbers, since it wasn't going to cost more than the electricity to charge it.

and finally "oh well I assumed someone would tell you...."

(I don't think any of my back-home friends would think to tell me my mother had moved house, tbh - they'd assume I would know)

It hurt like hell.

Ttbb · 29/09/2017 18:06

I can't believe that they would charge their own son interest! Why are you even talking to them? What unfortunate relations.

munchkinmaster · 29/09/2017 18:06

Well that sounds like a bigger issue than the address thing.

You'd have been cheaper with a pay day loan or a from an actual bona fide criminal loan shark

munchkinmaster · 29/09/2017 18:07

That is a 70% annual return. Why did you say yes? How did did they justify it

PaintingByNumbers · 29/09/2017 18:07

Very very weird behaviour, and hurtful. Your poor dh. Has he asked why they never mentioned it?

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