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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there's no need for DH to "watch out" for me having an affair?

175 replies

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 10:27

Lots of context so no drip-feeding!

DH's brother was in our city for work yesterday. DH met him in town for a drink at about 6pm and I joined them an hour later and we all went for a meal.

DH and his brother have a bit of a strained relationship. They very rarely see each other (once every few years at family things) and only speak on the phone a couple of times a year. I've only met BIL about three times.

Random context but this is important: I don't wear a wedding ring, I didn't change my name when we got hitched, I refer to my DH as my "partner" when I'm talking to people.

Anyway, while in the restaurant last night a male ex-colleague walked in. This colleague now lives in Japan and I haven't seen him for about five years. We used to get on really well when we worked together. We spotted each other and he came over. We hugged and kissed (on the cheek) and I introduced DH and BIL briefly. We had a quick chat then he went and sat with the people he was with. As we were leaving, I went over to my ex-colleague, we kissed again and generally said how lovely it was to see each other, we should Skype soon.. yadda yadda

This morning, BIL has text DH saying he thinks DH should "beware" of me having an affair. He said that he noticed I don't wear a wedding ring, last night I introduced DH to my ex-colleague as "my partner" rather than "my husband" and I was too touchy-feely with ex-colleague. Apparently DH should "watch out" for me having an affair.

AIBU to think this it's completely out of order for BIL to text this to DH considering he knows nothing about me or our relationship? What's his game here do you think?

DH hasn't replied yet- he can't think of what to say. How do you reply to something like that?!

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 29/09/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

just5morepeas · 29/09/2017 10:31

I agree with the poster above - just make light of it, "oh don't be ridiculous" then if he carries on tell him to mind his own business.

430West · 29/09/2017 10:33

Well, I can see your point, but i would be pretty offended in your DH (P?) shoes if you made no acknowledgement to the outside world that we were married.

I can see why you haven't, and it would be lovely if society didn't judge women on their relationship status, but the fact is it does.

If you deliberately choose to eschew prevailing social norms, then you can expect a bit of fallout imo.

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 10:35

"He lives in Japan twat face"

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 10:36

Partner could mean partner of 20 years.

Husband could mean partner of three months.

Partner says serious.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 10:38

Wheresmytaco Grin That properly made me LOL

I think he was saying it more to express a concern with the way I am with colleagues/friends in general rather than this particular guy! I'm not massively touchy-feely but I'll give a hug and kiss to people I like (male or female) that I've not seen in a while.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 29/09/2017 10:39

It is understandable why all of those things combined may have made him a bit wary. It seems, given their relationship, a bit odd that he would try to warn his brother though.

2littlemoos · 29/09/2017 10:41

As long as your DH isn't concerned just laugh about it!

Out of curiousity though, why don't you wear a ring or refer to him as your husband?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/09/2017 10:45

Why do you call your husband your partner? Would he introduce you in the same way?

Mittens1969 · 29/09/2017 10:45

No need to give it head space really, your DH (P) clearly isn't. Your BIL hasn't been in your lives so has no right to comment.

But out of curiosity, why don't you refer to your DH as your husband? Seems odd, as you chose to marry him, he could have remained as your partner.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 29/09/2017 10:48

Your husband needs to send him the Hmm face and nothing else! Grin

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 10:49

Ttbb I think that's the issue really is that none of us really know each other. Last night was the longest time I've spent in his company since me and DH got together 13 years ago. So I think it's a bit cheeky for him to make that assumption based on the very little he knows about us.

2littlemoos I hate the historical implications of the word "husband" and "wife"- DH doesn't refer to me as his "wife" and vice versa. To us "partner" reflects our relationship better.

I don't wear a wedding ring because I wear different jewelry every day depending on my outfit and how I feel. It's really alien to me that I'd wear the same piece of jewelry every day forever. Plus, wedding rings are quite boring and I like, ahem, quite elaborate jewelry!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/09/2017 10:50

Ignore it

RB68 · 29/09/2017 10:55

Sounds like he is stuck in the 50's

There is no requirement to wear a ring, there is no requirement to have no interaction with other people at an affectionate level.

Personally if I was in your Partners shoes I would just message back that I have no trust issues, leave it at that and if he comes back just say its not his business and he has no real understanding of his relationship with you nor of you as a person so he is much better placed to make decisions about that. What does he want him to do anyway - shackle you

Roomster101 · 29/09/2017 10:57

You BIL is obviously a bit of a prat to make assumptions about you based on very little. I also often don't wear a wedding ring and haven't changed my surname but I do think it is odd to refer to your DH as your partner.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2017 10:59

"As long as your DH isn't concerned just laugh about it!"

Even if your dh is concerned laugh about it. In fact, laugh about it more.

And "Oh, don't be ridiculous" is the only possible response.

Viviennemary · 29/09/2017 11:00

Of course it was wrong of your bil to make a comment the way he did. But you did seem rather enthusiastic about your greetings for a mere colleague. Think about if a poster wrote and said my husband greeted a long lost colleague with hugs and kisses and them again on goodbye.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:01

To me, and this is only my personal perspective, the term "partner" suggests a completely equal relationship between two people of either sex whereas "wife" in my head is conflated with "housewife" which is a women financially-dependent on a man, confined to the domestic sphere with very limited life opportunities. That's why we choose to refer to each other as "partner".

OP posts:
FittonTower · 29/09/2017 11:03

My husband's friends used to say ridiculous stuff like this to him because I had male friends. They had no female friends and they also cheated on their partners fairly regularly. It probably says more about your BIL than anything.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:04

But I was rather enthusiastic. I haven't seen this guy for about five years and didn't expect him to show up in this restaurant. When we worked together there was a group of four of us who got on really well and became good friends. Giving people hugs and kisses on the cheek is my normal greeting for people I've not seen for ages who I really like. I'd do the same with women.

OP posts:
LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 29/09/2017 11:05

Ignore the twat OP.
ANd I'm with you on the partner/wife thing.

And it's actually pretty offensive to those of us in happy, stable, but unmarried partnerships to hint that if you are "partners" you are more likely to cheat.

I thought we'd got past the whole ring/no ring married/not married thing tbh.
It's a very old fashioned way of looking at things.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2017 11:05

Hmm, I am not sure I agree with your SAHM bashing rhetoric but you can call yourself what you like

Bananamama1213 · 29/09/2017 11:05

Your DH knows that's ridiculous right?

I have been with my DH 9 years, married for 2. I use partner a lot more as I think it sounds more professional.

I am young, early 20s. Sometimes when people find out I'm married, they give me a judgey look and I don't like it. Partner just comes out so easily.

DH calls me his wife, but he has done since before we were married. That's just his thing.

He always wears his wedding ring.. but I have to take mine off for a couple of weeks every so often because my finger blisters underneath so I have to let it heal.

He's never once been offended by me calling him partner, or not wearing a ring! Nobody even comments on it!

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 29/09/2017 11:06

Oh and I greet loads of my male friends very enthusiastically.
Think jumping in their arms and hugging type stuff.

DP is frequently there, finds it hilarious, because we trust each other and are secure in our relationship.

It's 2017 and we don't live in Saudi, women and men can interact freely, however they like.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/09/2017 11:09

I wouldn't even bother with 'oh don't be ridiculous' I'd straight up go for "Well after her orgy in the highlands in March things have settled down somewhat. Thank you so much for your concern."