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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there's no need for DH to "watch out" for me having an affair?

175 replies

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 10:27

Lots of context so no drip-feeding!

DH's brother was in our city for work yesterday. DH met him in town for a drink at about 6pm and I joined them an hour later and we all went for a meal.

DH and his brother have a bit of a strained relationship. They very rarely see each other (once every few years at family things) and only speak on the phone a couple of times a year. I've only met BIL about three times.

Random context but this is important: I don't wear a wedding ring, I didn't change my name when we got hitched, I refer to my DH as my "partner" when I'm talking to people.

Anyway, while in the restaurant last night a male ex-colleague walked in. This colleague now lives in Japan and I haven't seen him for about five years. We used to get on really well when we worked together. We spotted each other and he came over. We hugged and kissed (on the cheek) and I introduced DH and BIL briefly. We had a quick chat then he went and sat with the people he was with. As we were leaving, I went over to my ex-colleague, we kissed again and generally said how lovely it was to see each other, we should Skype soon.. yadda yadda

This morning, BIL has text DH saying he thinks DH should "beware" of me having an affair. He said that he noticed I don't wear a wedding ring, last night I introduced DH to my ex-colleague as "my partner" rather than "my husband" and I was too touchy-feely with ex-colleague. Apparently DH should "watch out" for me having an affair.

AIBU to think this it's completely out of order for BIL to text this to DH considering he knows nothing about me or our relationship? What's his game here do you think?

DH hasn't replied yet- he can't think of what to say. How do you reply to something like that?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 12:50

guilty I wanted to make that link and talk about the unfair treatment of black people in the USA as a legacy of slavery but I couldn't find the words to do it. You've summed it up perfectly, thanks.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 29/09/2017 12:54

Rape within marriage wasn't a crime until 1991.........

Butterymuffin · 29/09/2017 13:00

It's actually quite a bit more complicated, and expensive, to replicate the 'piece of paper' outside marriage.

Good reply though. BIL clearly shit stirring. I was going to suggest 'Mate, we're fine, I'm not worried :) ' but your DH already had it covered on pretty much the same lines.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 13:02

I find that 'wife' still carries certain social connotations. People treat you differently once you become a 'wife'. So many people I know fell into normative gender roles upon marriage - she took on 'wifely duties' and generally put his career first, etc. In some cases, I could see subtle pressure to do this based on married status - for example it being assumed she would move with him for his job etc. To some degree, this has been expected of me in my now 20 year relationship by my family, his family and him as well as friends (that's a guess - I can't actually remember when we got together) but I have always said 'fuck off, I'm doing what benefits ME'. Case in point - he once moved over a thousand miles away for work and everyone started assuming I'd follow (not that he would stay for me / my job). No way hosay! I was staying with my salary, career path and financial independence, not to mention I didn't like the place he moved to. Anyway, I don't need reasons, I just don't personally want to be a 'wife'.

purits · 29/09/2017 13:02

Rape within marriage wasn't a crime until 1991.........

Well done to the Tories for passing that piece of legislation.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2017 13:03

"It's actually quite a bit more complicated, and expensive, to replicate the 'piece of paper' outside marriage."

Well, I suppose it depends how complicated and expensive your wedding is. But it really isn't that complicated or expensive to sort out the legal stuff if you're not married.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 29/09/2017 13:07

Actually just to throw a bit of etymology to support OP’s argument “wer” and “wyf” were the Old English words for husband and wife both meaning “man” and “woman” respectively. But then husband replaced “wer” and means “master of the house”. It comes from the Norse “hus” for house and “bondi” for peasant who owns his land.

I guess it depends if you think the origins of words and traditions actually matter any more. But I don’t think the OP was trying to judge anyone.

Talkietalk · 29/09/2017 13:11

I would laugh and tell him to ignore it - if their relationship is strained, he might be trying to stir things up between you. If your husband isnt bothered just leave it. Its up to you if you want to wear a ring etc.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 13:12

IfYouSee That's absolutely fascinating. I love etymology Grin

I absolutely wasn't trying to judge anyone apart from my nosy, shit-stirring BIL.

Everyone makes their own choices. I was just saying about the "partner" thing and no rings etc. to give some context to BIL's suspicions about me being a bit of a loose woman Grin

OP posts:
Eryri1981 · 29/09/2017 13:14

When I was with exP who was in the Army, the thought of marrying him and becoming "Major Dicks Wife", sat very uneasily with me and I had a fear (possibly unfounded) of losing my own identity. So I can totally understand OP view on Wife being tied up with old fashioned values and subordination. However on marrying DH our relationship is very equal and balanced, and I now use Wife and Partner interchangeably.

I also don't have a wedding ring (neither of us do), I have never liked wearing jewellery, and constantly fiddle with it if I do. I also don't like the idea of being "branded", as I see it. The fact that me and DH are married is our business and ours alone, and therefore I don't need to display any visible sign of the commitment I made to him.

I took on his surname, in so far as I double barrelled it with mine. Did this largely so that I will have a shared surname with DD when she arrives. I won't be lumbering her with the double barrelled name, she will just have DHs.

Planning the wedding I did question a lot of the traditions and their historical connotations. I cut some of them out, and kept some in. Dad walked me down the aisle :-) (which was important to us both as he was terminally ill), best female friend did the one and only wedding speech, I had no veil (more because I think it would have annoyed the hell out of me!!).

OP BIL just sounds like a bit of a Twat. I sure OP DH is well aware of her tendencies to hug/kiss as a greeting after 13 years together. The rest is all personal preference, and therefore no one else's business.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 13:14

It comes from the Norse “hus” for house and “bondi” for peasant who owns his land

I'm getting the mental image of a bunch of Vikings hanging around a beach in Australia tilling the sand now.

elevenclips · 29/09/2017 13:14

Hmmmmmmm
I can kind of see BILs point of view.

Calling your husband your partner is a bit misleading as it strongly implies you aren't married. If you don't like the words husband and wife then you should refer to him as your spouse or people will think that you are hiding the fact you are married just as your BiL thought.

Re the ring. Fine don't wear a ring if you don't like rings. I don't wear a wedding ring as I don't like rings. However. If you wear any other rings and not a wedding ring then again socially and realistically it comes across as concealing the fact you are married. Did BiL see other rings on your fingers?

The name change - fine keep your name that's not something for BiL to be concerned about.

The touchy feely business - well that's personal preference. but people who are very touchy feely make me cringe a bit.

Roomster101 · 29/09/2017 13:17

Considering that you feel there are advantages to be married why would you want to give the impression that you don't think it is a good idea because that is what you are doing whether you realise it or not.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/09/2017 13:18

Sounds like your BIL is a) shit-stirring and b) uneasy about the idea that a woman won't accept being owned and publicly marked as property.

Marriage is a legally-binding contract, nothing more, nothing less as a point of fact. What marriage means to the participants in a particular marriage is up to them (though it's useful if they both assign the same meaning to the term, obviously.)

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 13:24

What's the problem? It's a statement of fact, it describes the relationship. Do you also dislike mother, sister, daughter, aunt, niece

Bloody hell. Leave it already. Other people's interpretations of things are not a reflection on you. Don't be so defensive.

Many people myself included would have preferred the option of a civil partnership entirely.

guilty100 · 29/09/2017 13:29

"Calling your husband your partner is a bit misleading as it strongly implies you aren't married. If you don't like the words husband and wife then you should refer to him as your spouse or people will think that you are hiding the fact you are married just as your BiL thought. "

Let's unpack the BIL's logic, shall we:

  1. You're not wearing an outward symbol of marriage because you choose not to
  2. This means that you're unfaithful, indeed actively looking for other partners and definitely out to have an affair

Can you not see the HUGE leap between 1 and 2 there?

And are you seriously telling me that, every time I've left the house without a wedding ring on, or possibly wearing gloves, I've been looking to have it off with any bloke I meet? Because I assure you, if you actually saw me in my marigolds and scruffs scrubbling out the wheelie bin, I'm pretty sure that would be the last thought on your mind.

purits · 29/09/2017 13:29

Don't be so defensive.

Pot. Kettle.Grin

tippz · 29/09/2017 13:35

@PrettyRicky

I can't get past you not wearing your wedding ring, not calling him your husband. That's in addition to you not taking his name.

I know a few women keep their old name, (I don't undertaker why but each to their own!) But not wearing your ring or calling him your husband. No wonder he is insecure. That doesn't sound like someone who wants to be married, or who loves her husband.

Very weird.

Maybe you are not planning an affair, but it sure sounds like you don't want to be married.

The thing is, our marriage actually means very little to either of us. It was an administrative process to make life easier. Neither of us particularly wanted to get married but things are a lot easier when you're married so we did.

This ^ is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Sad

KurriKurri · 29/09/2017 13:35

Maybe your DH could reply 'Now you've shit stirred, piss off and lick the spoon'

tippz · 29/09/2017 13:36

@PrettyRicky

I can't get past you not wearing your wedding ring, and not calling him your husband. That's in addition to you not taking his name.

I know a few women keep their old name, (I don't understand why but each to their own!) But not wearing your ring or calling him your husband. No wonder he is insecure. That doesn't sound like someone who wants to be married, or who loves her husband.

Very weird.

Maybe you are not planning an affair, but it sure sounds like you don't want to be married.

The thing is, our marriage actually means very little to either of us. It was an administrative process to make life easier. Neither of us particularly wanted to get married but things are a lot easier when you're married so we did.

This ^ is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Sad

guilty100 · 29/09/2017 13:37

Oh, here we go, tippz the resident MNet substitute for a MRA.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 13:40

Bloody hell. Leave it already. Other people's interpretations of things are not a reflection on you. Don't be so defensive

Well said where'smytaco.

corythatwas · 29/09/2017 13:42

tippz, I haven't worn my ring on a regular basis for the last 20 years: I find it brings on my eczema

however, dh and I have been very happy for 35 years now

but as a matter of fact, the reason we did choose to get married was because it was the only way I could get residency so we could actually be together in the same country

my relationship to dh means everything in the world to me

the actual marriage was something I went along with because it was convenient and pleased elderly relatives

there's nothing sad about that as far as I'm concerned

being able to live with dh was enormously important and making elderly relatives happy didn't seem like a bad idea either

BitOfANameChange · 29/09/2017 13:43

tippz Fri 29-Sep-17 13:36:33

I can't get past you not wearing your wedding ring, and not calling him your husband. That's in addition to you not taking his name.

I know a few women keep their old name, (I don't understand why but each to their own!) But not wearing your ring or calling him your husband. No wonder he is insecure. That doesn't sound like someone who wants to be married, or who loves her husband.

Most men I know don't wear wedding rings. So why should a woman? The ceremony only mentions the giving and receiving of a ring, not that you actually have to wear one.

And having read the OP's posts, I can see why she doesn't call him husband. And more importantly, her husband is NOT insecure and appears completely onboard with it.

And I have to say, your comments are a good illustration of the sexist thinking that still surrounds marriage.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 13:53

tippz

It's not that I don't want to be married. I'm just not that bothered about being married. It doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't define me. If we could've had the same protections without being married, we wouldn't have bothered.

Like cory my relationship is really important to me, it means the world to me but that has nothing at all to do with being married or not.

OP posts:
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