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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there's no need for DH to "watch out" for me having an affair?

175 replies

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 10:27

Lots of context so no drip-feeding!

DH's brother was in our city for work yesterday. DH met him in town for a drink at about 6pm and I joined them an hour later and we all went for a meal.

DH and his brother have a bit of a strained relationship. They very rarely see each other (once every few years at family things) and only speak on the phone a couple of times a year. I've only met BIL about three times.

Random context but this is important: I don't wear a wedding ring, I didn't change my name when we got hitched, I refer to my DH as my "partner" when I'm talking to people.

Anyway, while in the restaurant last night a male ex-colleague walked in. This colleague now lives in Japan and I haven't seen him for about five years. We used to get on really well when we worked together. We spotted each other and he came over. We hugged and kissed (on the cheek) and I introduced DH and BIL briefly. We had a quick chat then he went and sat with the people he was with. As we were leaving, I went over to my ex-colleague, we kissed again and generally said how lovely it was to see each other, we should Skype soon.. yadda yadda

This morning, BIL has text DH saying he thinks DH should "beware" of me having an affair. He said that he noticed I don't wear a wedding ring, last night I introduced DH to my ex-colleague as "my partner" rather than "my husband" and I was too touchy-feely with ex-colleague. Apparently DH should "watch out" for me having an affair.

AIBU to think this it's completely out of order for BIL to text this to DH considering he knows nothing about me or our relationship? What's his game here do you think?

DH hasn't replied yet- he can't think of what to say. How do you reply to something like that?!

OP posts:

HerOtherHalf · 29/09/2017 11:09

If i was your husband i would be furious at my brother for daring to question my wife's character. I would reply sternly and phrases like "who the fuck do you think you are?" would no doubt be used.

RavingRoo · 29/09/2017 11:10

I can see where he’s coming from. I haven’t taken my dh’s name, don’t wear a wedding ring everyday, but I would not refer to dh as my partner to colleagues. If you don’t like to use husband you could use spouse. But ignoring your marriage or not referring to it in public would send alarm bells ringing for me.

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:10

AnyFucker I wasn't SAHM-bashing. I didn't mention anything about SAHMs. I said "housewives", which are to me women without children.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 29/09/2017 11:12

Your BIL sounds like an insecure person who is probably jealous of your DH (hence their strained relationship). I suspect this has a lot more to do with them and some hang ups from childhood than it does with you. Very likely (I would hope) your DH sees this too and knows it's a load of rubbish. If they don't talk much and aren't close, it's up to your DH if it even warrants a response.

I do wear a wedding ring and my husband and I call each other husband/wife, but I don't think either of those necessarily signal we are more committed than other people. It's just what we like to do and what makes us happy. There are loads of people wearing wedding rings and calling each other husband/wife who have affairs. That has nothing to do with it. But being warm and friendly with close work colleagues is a normal healthy thing. We both are and I don't think most people would think there was anything strange about that scenario.

What sort of relationship does BIL have? I suspect this is a lot of projection about his own anxieties and hang up, in addition to some jealousy of your DH.

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:13

RavingRoo

But ignoring your marriage or not referring to it in public would send alarm bells ringing for me

The thing is, our marriage actually means very little to either of us. It was an administrative process to make life easier. Neither of us particularly wanted to get married but things are a lot easier when you're married so we did. We love each other and we're dedicated to each other but we're not defined by our marriage IYSWIM

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/09/2017 11:14

I understand what you're saying about 'partner'. However, in our society being married (quite laughably given the divorce rate) is still seen as being 'permanent' whereas 'partner' is not, it has a much more of a 'casual' feel to it.

Your DH should text back 'Thanks for that. I've found a private investiagtor for a reasonable price, he's can tail her when we are not together'.

Second text.

'I've given him your number, he's happy for you to pay directly'.

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:16

mind

Hmm, it's hard to know really because DH and BIL don't speak much. We get snippets from PILs. I think BIL is a bit of a miserable bugger- apparently he's very snappy and grumpy with his children (like their dad was when they were kids).

I think there is some jealousy from BIL towards DH which is the source of the strain really because DH feels he has to walk on eggshells and not talk too much about certain things because BIL can get quite bitter.

OP posts:

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:16

Annie and Vladimir

These are brilliant responses

OP posts:

Fantasticmissfoxy · 29/09/2017 11:18

BIL is shit stirring, probably to exert some sort of superiority over your husband and to make him feel insecure. If (as you say) they don't get on, he is baiting your husband - it's nothing to do with what you did or do. Point this out to your husband and suggest that he replies to his brother that he has no concerns over his marriage thank you, and to mind his own business.

Brahms3rdracket · 29/09/2017 11:18

Why did you marry op? I've been very happily unmarried to dp for 23 years and never found the need to administratively improve things, bar writing wills and having joint mortgages and bills.

Your bil is clearly an insecure dick btw. Your dh/ partner, whatever, should tell him to mind his own business. Very strange thing to raise with someone you're not close to and rarely see.

minipie · 29/09/2017 11:19

It probably says more about your BIL than anything

Yeah this.

You mentioned your partner. Doesn't really matter what you call them, it was clear you weren't single. Someone who is out to cheat wouldn't mention their OH at all (I presume).

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:21

Brahms We didn't have wills at the time, we both had death in service on our contracts and needed to sort of next of kin, we had a complex situation with regards to our mortgage. Most of these issues seemed to be solved by getting married.

OP posts:

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:22

OP posts:

Increasinglymiddleaged · 29/09/2017 11:26

DH hasn't replied yet- he can't think of what to say. How do you reply to something like that?!

Fuck off seems likes the most obvious response to me.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 29/09/2017 11:28

he thing is, our marriage actually means very little to either of us. It was an administrative process to make life easier. Neither of us particularly wanted to get married but things are a lot easier when you're married so we did. We love each other and we're dedicated to each other but we're not defined by our marriage IYSWIM

It is absolutely none of anyone's business how you refer to DH. As long as the two of you are happy.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/09/2017 11:28

I don't think your decision to not take his name or refer to him as 'husband' is radical or really anyone else's business tbh. Each to their own. I worked with a man once whom was just so in love with his wife. Her ring probably cost more than my mortgage but lo and behold he struggled to keep it in his pants and at work-dos when she'd be swanning around telling everyone how proud she was of her husband, we all knew the elephant in the room. He'd shagged - to my knowledge - the two young women at reception, at least. This is quite an extreme illustration but the point is; it matters not what couples choose to do with their relationship. Key words being 'their relationship'.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 11:29

Not married because I've never had to (and I can see why you did choose to marry OP), but if I did I'd not bother with a wedding, I'd certainly not change my name, I'd not wear a ring or any other signifier and I'd continue to call my DP my 'partner'.

How many men change their names and wear rings? And how many are actually expected to as some gendered expectation?

guilty100 · 29/09/2017 11:30

Your BIL is a shit-stirrer.

IrenetheQuaint · 29/09/2017 11:41

Reply:

Hi, just to fill you in, we've been looking for a threesome partner for a while and we reckon X fits the bill perfectly. Hence the excitement!

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:45

Irene

I've given him all these hilarious suggestions to reply but he's replied with "Don't think so mate". Such a boring twat

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 29/09/2017 11:46

"Don't think so mate"

purits · 29/09/2017 11:47

"wife" in my head is conflated with "housewife" which is a women financially-dependent on a man, confined to the domestic sphere with very limited life opportunities.

I don't understand this.
MN is forever discussing language. Whenever someone tries to lay down a grammatical law, someone else will some and say "language evolves, doncha know. Pedantry is dead." Yet others cling to this wife-has-historical-connotations malarky.
Why can't the words "husband" and "wife" evolve? I am a wife; I don't feel demeaned by this fact. Am I supposed to?

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 29/09/2017 11:53

Your BIL was shit stirring. I think your DH reply was perfect. Very disinterested and shut it down.

Original poster

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 11:53

purits

I think language evolves and language is subjective. That's why I was clear that it's my personal reading of the terms. It's absolutely not me trying to "lay down a grammatical law"

OP posts:

senzaparole03 · 29/09/2017 11:53

Your partner should simply reply

'thanks, but no need. I trust her. We trust each other'

The. End.

The msg from the BIL was so patronising and superior!

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