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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there's no need for DH to "watch out" for me having an affair?

175 replies

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 10:27

Lots of context so no drip-feeding!

DH's brother was in our city for work yesterday. DH met him in town for a drink at about 6pm and I joined them an hour later and we all went for a meal.

DH and his brother have a bit of a strained relationship. They very rarely see each other (once every few years at family things) and only speak on the phone a couple of times a year. I've only met BIL about three times.

Random context but this is important: I don't wear a wedding ring, I didn't change my name when we got hitched, I refer to my DH as my "partner" when I'm talking to people.

Anyway, while in the restaurant last night a male ex-colleague walked in. This colleague now lives in Japan and I haven't seen him for about five years. We used to get on really well when we worked together. We spotted each other and he came over. We hugged and kissed (on the cheek) and I introduced DH and BIL briefly. We had a quick chat then he went and sat with the people he was with. As we were leaving, I went over to my ex-colleague, we kissed again and generally said how lovely it was to see each other, we should Skype soon.. yadda yadda

This morning, BIL has text DH saying he thinks DH should "beware" of me having an affair. He said that he noticed I don't wear a wedding ring, last night I introduced DH to my ex-colleague as "my partner" rather than "my husband" and I was too touchy-feely with ex-colleague. Apparently DH should "watch out" for me having an affair.

AIBU to think this it's completely out of order for BIL to text this to DH considering he knows nothing about me or our relationship? What's his game here do you think?

DH hasn't replied yet- he can't think of what to say. How do you reply to something like that?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 15:27

purtis I didn't say it was synonymous. "Wife" isn't a synonym for "housewife". I said very clearly that for me the word "wife" connotes a traditional "housewife" type of role which I absolutely am not.

I have said, again, very clearly that it's my personal perspective. Using "partner" rather than "husband/wife" works for me, it works for my DH. What other people do and say in their relationships is none of my business and I haven't been at all judgmental about it on this thread.

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 29/09/2017 15:28

I never changed my name when I married and dont wear a wedding ring same reason as the OP different jewellery.
"He lives in Japan twatface" perfect responseGrin

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/09/2017 15:29

Ricky I was with you until - housewife = women without children. I'm child free but I've never been a housewife. Hmm

VladmirsPoutine · 29/09/2017 15:32

PrettyRicky You really should have known this. Amateur mistake. I know what you mean but really.... you fucked up here.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 15:32

Roomster

It seems a bit hypocritical to object to your BILs interpretation of the word "partner" (when used by you) when your interpretation of "wife" is quite offensive too

Confused Confused

But I don't assume that the words people use to refer to their partner/husband/wife/spouse are in any way indicative of their love, dedication or inclination towards an affair. Even if I did, which I absolutely don't, I wouldn't be such a cunt as to text their other half citing it as evidence of a potential affair.

I'm not criticising BIL's interpretation of the language we use. I don't give a fuck what other people think of me not wearing a ring/not changing my name/not calling DH "husband". What I do give a fuck about is people taking those aspects of my relationship and making massive leaps and assumptions from them. So, I'm not criticising BIL's interpretations, I'm criticising his cunty chit-stirring.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 15:34

Why am I now getting the mental image of Michael Palin et al. all dresed in red, leaping into ths thread crying "Nobody expects the Spamish Inquisition!!!"

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 15:35

Alexa I didn't say housewife= woman without children. I don't have children. I was replying to a criticism about me, apparently, having a pop at SAHMs. I wasn't saying a SAHM is a housewife. SAHMs do an important job (which I think should be paid at market rate but that's another thread).

Vladimir
You really should have known this. Amateur mistake. I know what you mean but really.... you fucked up here.

Sorry, I'm confused. What are you referring to?

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 15:36

YetAnother Grin

Yeah, I'm bowing out now actually. BIL hasn't text DH back yet so nothing new to report.

I'll be back if he does text back but I'm getting tired of the same conversation which is irrelevant to the OP anyway.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 15:40

Can't say I blame you OP. time for a Wine ?

Roomster101 · 29/09/2017 15:48

But I don't assume that the words people use to refer to their partner/husband/wife/spouse are in any way indicative of their love, dedication or inclination towards an affair.

No, but you are making other assumptions about the use of the word "wife" which also a huge extrapolation. Saying that other people can interpret the word how they like doesn't make it less so.

Even if I did, which I absolutely don't, I wouldn't be such a cunt as to text their other half citing it as evidence of a potential affair.

I don't think anyone is denying that the BIL is prat.

Roomster101 · 29/09/2017 15:50

I don't give a fuck what other people think of me not wearing a ring/not changing my name/not calling DH "husband".

You do give a fuck about what other people think or you wouldn't do so much navel-gazing about how to refer to your DH when talking to other people in the first place.

NewDaddie · 29/09/2017 15:57

But out of curiosity, why don't you refer to your DH as your husband? Seems odd, as you chose to marry him, he could have remained as your partner.

This.

In my view we should be teaching them not to rely on being a 'Mrs' for one's financial future but instead to make sure that they are financially independent and don't need marriage to ensure this.

And this even more.

I'm pro marriage but for the 'right' reasons. Apart from immigration I don't know of any administrative reason that makes marriage a good idea.

Dw and I were financially linked long before we got married and to the best of my knowledge neither of us has anymore security than before we got married except for the opportunity to abuse our past. If I lose my mind and go on a cocklodger rampage or something else then I'll be able to abuse our relationship until she has the decree absolute. If she passes away I'll be able to have a champagne party with the OW. If I continue to be a loving husband and partner my marriage certificate really won't afford me anything that I wouldn't be able to obtain by being a nominated/secure qualifying partner.

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 16:01

No, but you are making other assumptions about the use of the word "wife" which also a huge extrapolation. Saying that other people can interpret the word how they like doesn't make it less so.

No no she's not. She knows the historical and cultural baggage and chooses not to use it. I doubt she was navel gazing when she decided to not use it.

More that she never felt the need to use a title she didn't want.

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 16:01

That's incorrect newdaddie but your posts so frequently are.

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 16:02

Are people being deliberately obtuse or are they genuinely dim?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 16:05

Hey Taco ... I think everybody has wandered off for wine because the circus is no longer entertaining ...

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 16:06

If you go abroad on holiday and something happens to your partner you're hoping the country you are in respect you are next of kin.

If you suddenly find yourself a victim of Brexit you better hope you are married.

If you are from seperate countries and want your relationship respected by both countries you need to be married.

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/tax/9324479/The-tax-advantages-of-getting-married.html

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 16:09

I think it must be like being a reception teacher Spartacus. 30 people saying "but why" and not listening to the answer

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/09/2017 16:13

:) I think a nice bottle of white is the ticket ... Time to hide the thread and let them get on with it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/09/2017 16:36

Calling your husband your partner is a bit misleading as it strongly implies you aren't married.

How? Would you cheat with someone with a long term partner but not someone who was married?

I’d call my DP my husband; if we were married and I referred to him like that - but I’d probably actually just introduce him as his name. And I’d wear a wedding ring. But I don’t care that OP doesn’t; or what she calls her DP.

The reasoning behind it is a little strange... housewives on antidepressants etc... but at the end of the day, OP doesn’t even need a reason.

Mittens1969 · 29/09/2017 16:39

I never realised that a 'housewife' didn't have children. I always thought it was a synonym for SAHM, which I am. (I much prefer the latter, 'housewife' does have negative connotations as far as I'm concerned.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2017 16:48

"Calling your husband your partner is a bit misleading as it strongly implies you aren't married"

Even if that's the case, why does it make a difference? Who would it be misleading?

honeyroar · 29/09/2017 16:50

Surely the only response needed to such a text is "Don't be so bloody ridiculous!" Perhaps with an added 😡?

But what a funny thread this has turned into! So many people believing they understand and are on similar lines, who then drop a "but why do you/don't you do X or Y? I don't understand that bit!

Everyone seems totally set in their own way and convinced they're right. On all sides of the fence. It's been quite amusing. It was interesting to learn the history of the words husband and wife. I find it fascinating to learn the roots of words, but it's just history to me.

I call my husband my husband, wear a ring (he does when not working - he has a messy, oily job) and finally changed my name after 9 years of marriage (when my passport ran out!). I don't care if others do or don't, it's up to them. I have gay friends that married and a lot of them call each other husband (as in both of them), others use partner. I haven't heard any say wife. What others do is up to them, it doesn't affect me, I don't care.

Roomster101 · 29/09/2017 17:01

No no she's not. She knows the historical and cultural baggage and chooses not to use it. I doubt she was navel gazing when she decided to not use it.

Choosing not to use to use the word "wife" will not reduce any "historical or cultural baggage" associated with marriage and considering that OP has actually chosen to get married it seems an unlikely reason not to use the word.

NewDaddie · 29/09/2017 17:26

Are people being deliberately obtuse or are they genuinely dim?

Both. BIL is obviously a twat but 150 replies in agreement wouldn't really be in the spirit of MN

That's incorrect newdaddie but your posts so frequently are.

Really? Care to elaborate? and I don't have anything better to do tonight