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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there's no need for DH to "watch out" for me having an affair?

175 replies

PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 10:27

Lots of context so no drip-feeding!

DH's brother was in our city for work yesterday. DH met him in town for a drink at about 6pm and I joined them an hour later and we all went for a meal.

DH and his brother have a bit of a strained relationship. They very rarely see each other (once every few years at family things) and only speak on the phone a couple of times a year. I've only met BIL about three times.

Random context but this is important: I don't wear a wedding ring, I didn't change my name when we got hitched, I refer to my DH as my "partner" when I'm talking to people.

Anyway, while in the restaurant last night a male ex-colleague walked in. This colleague now lives in Japan and I haven't seen him for about five years. We used to get on really well when we worked together. We spotted each other and he came over. We hugged and kissed (on the cheek) and I introduced DH and BIL briefly. We had a quick chat then he went and sat with the people he was with. As we were leaving, I went over to my ex-colleague, we kissed again and generally said how lovely it was to see each other, we should Skype soon.. yadda yadda

This morning, BIL has text DH saying he thinks DH should "beware" of me having an affair. He said that he noticed I don't wear a wedding ring, last night I introduced DH to my ex-colleague as "my partner" rather than "my husband" and I was too touchy-feely with ex-colleague. Apparently DH should "watch out" for me having an affair.

AIBU to think this it's completely out of order for BIL to text this to DH considering he knows nothing about me or our relationship? What's his game here do you think?

DH hasn't replied yet- he can't think of what to say. How do you reply to something like that?!

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 29/09/2017 13:59

@purits, it wasn't passed by the government. As I recall, it came about in court, where a judge in the High Court judge, Lord Lane as I recall, upheld a rape conviction. The conviction was being challenged on the basis that the defendant was still married to the victim (they were estranged), but the conviction was upheld on the basis that being married didn't mean that his wife couldn't withhold her consent.

I don't remember the exact words obviously, but it wasn't an Act of Parliament.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2017 14:01

"If we could've had the same protections without being married, we wouldn't have bothered."

You could have done........

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 29/09/2017 14:04

Tell you BIL that wrapping your fanny round a cock that isn’t DH’s constitutes an affair not any of the stupid pish he’s spouting. What a bellend.

pandarific · 29/09/2017 14:05

I like the cut of your jib, op.

That is all I had to add. Grin

howthelightgetsin · 29/09/2017 14:10

He would say the same about a married man not wearing a ring I take it?

howthelightgetsin · 29/09/2017 14:14

Hope Tippz feels as strongly about men who don't wear rings also! (Which is most men > 50 that I know of).

Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 14:22

People always say that Bertrand but it's not actually true unless you're both British and never plan on leaving the country.

Don't be so defensive.
pot kettleGrin

Do you know what that expression means?Hmm

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 14:26

Bertrand How?

OP posts:
Wheresmytaco · 29/09/2017 14:30

Also inheritance tax for people who actually plan to leave something when they die.

-wasn't one of my concerns unfortunately--

MsGameandWatching · 29/09/2017 14:41

Hmm, it all sounds rather navel gazing to me but I have been divorced twice so what do I know?

Your BIL sounds like a tool but a lot of people do think that way. I would wonder why a person didn't refer to their husband as, well, their husband.

purits · 29/09/2017 14:46

Do you know what that expression means?

I thought I did. But then I thought I knew what' husband' and 'wife' means but apparently my "interpretation of things" is not right. Are we into Humpty Dumpty territory here? - "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean."

Firesuit · 29/09/2017 14:50

"If we could've had the same protections without being married, we wouldn't have bothered."

You could have done........

Marriage can give you a right to live in the UK that is otherwise unobtainable.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 14:51

purtis

Are we into Humpty Dumpty territory here? - "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean

No, we're into "within my private relationship, based on our personal opinions, me and my DH chose what we like to call each other and be called, which has absolutely fuck all to do with anyone else"

OP posts:
WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 14:57

Op has not said she is not legally her husband's wife. She just says "my partner" because he is technically her partner. Not in Humpty Dumpty territory but in the real world with dictionaries.

purits · 29/09/2017 14:58

within my private relationship, based on our personal opinions, me and my DH chose what we like to call each other and be called, which has absolutely fuck all to do with anyone else

OK. Maybe you've started a trend. I think I'll start calling my DH my aunt. That won't confuse anybody, will it?

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 14:59

If I call my Dh Sweetchops it is not a slight against those who call their significant others HoneyMuffin. You see?

Sistersofmercy101 · 29/09/2017 15:02

PrettyRicky I also think along similar lines regarding societal expectations of behaviour, gendered norms and marriage - so does my partner, which is why we will also be going against the tide too! (although we're doing the both having rings, double barrelled surname that we'll both be taking kind of way, but to each their own happiness!!)
Your BIL is clearly desperately insecure and has a deeply ingrained misogynistic attitude, sad really and I think your DP should message words to that effect back in reply. :)

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 15:04

You could, it would like a very strange sort of fetish though as he isn't actually your aunt.

The Dh is the op's partner. Partner is often used in, guess what, wedding vows too

kaytee87 · 29/09/2017 15:05

limited life opportunities Hmm

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 15:05

purtis That's not even remotely the same.

Your DH isn't your aunt, neither is he your uncle or your dad or your granddad so it'd make no sense to call him these things. But he is your husband, your spouse, your other half, your significant other, your partner so it'd make sense for you to call him any or all of these.

OP posts:
WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 15:09

5 pages of the OP getting it in the ear for something she didn't even bring up because other people have issues.

Original poster
PrettyRicky · 29/09/2017 15:09

Kaytee Yeah, that wasn't a great phrasing. I couldn't think of what else to say to describe what I meant! What I meant was women who are stuck at home at all day, do everything for their husbands, have no independent money, no job and so few opportunities to travel, meet new people, do something new, do something just selfishly for themselves.

I guess the stereotypical 1960s housewife waiting for DH to get home getting through the day on anti-depressants.

I didn't articulate it very well.

OP posts:
purits · 29/09/2017 15:20

5 pages of the OP getting it in the ear ...because other people have issues.

Who has issues? OP is the one who thinks that in 2017 'wife' is synonymous with 'housewife' which means "stereotypical 1960s housewife waiting for DH to get home getting through the day on anti-depressants." Like I said, get with the times!

Roomster101 · 29/09/2017 15:22

It seems a bit hypocritical to object to your BILs interpretation of the word "partner" (when used by you) when your interpretation of "wife" is quite offensive too.

BertrandRussell · 29/09/2017 15:24

I have absolutely no desire to be anyone's wife. Too much baggage.

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