Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly hope inheritance gets spent on care home fees?

120 replies

HelpInheritanceDilemma · 28/09/2017 14:37

Have NC and changed a few details as family members read this forum.
I have 2 dc, DD who is 9 and DS who is 4. Before DS was born and after FIL died, my MIL changed her will to split inheritance equally in 4 between DH, his DSis and DB and our DD. MIL stated that if we had any more kids, DD'S share would be split between her and however many more dc's we have.

We are now about 6 years on from that point and it seems MIL has no intention of changing her will to include DS. DH's brother is an executor of the will and he has tried to talk to her about it, only to be fobbed off or told that DS not being included is 'his issue'. MIL does seem to favour DD more than DS, this comes across in her actions in other ways, DD was the only GC for 4 years (BIL and SIL have no kids and don't want any).

I'm getting worried about the effects this may have on our family in the future and how it might all make DS feel. It's not a small amount of money - about 100k DD stands to inherit when she turns 21.

A part of me hopes it will all get blown on care home fees - whenever inheritance threads appear on mn, a large proportion of people mention that the person is unlikely to get their hands on any cash due to the possibility of this. AIBU to hope this is the outcome? None of MILs children would look after her themselves, they all have difficult relationships with her and can only tolerate her in small doses. She is in her 70s and in ok health.

OP posts:
Danceswithwarthogs · 28/09/2017 14:44

You can't make her change her will and what will be will be regarding care home fees. When your daughter is older, perhaps you could broach the issue with her (bearing in mind what MIL had originally said) and suggest, in the interest of family harmony, that she chooses to share her inheritance... otherwise could your dh make a gift to your son out of his inheritance share to make things fair.

Otherwise this could fester between them, when she finished uni debt free or can buy a nice house and he can't.

ChicRock · 28/09/2017 14:47

If she dies before your DC are 18 then I'd simply split dd's share with your ds, I doubt anyone will object or try and stop you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/09/2017 14:49

I wouldn't do a will that way anyway.

I'd have split it DH, DBro, DSis.

Maybe leaving the grandchildren a nominal sum, but not an equal inheritance.

So YABU imo.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/09/2017 14:50

In effect, your family is benefiting far more than her other two children are which strikes me as unfair.

PinkHeart5913 · 28/09/2017 14:51

Well on my Mums side of the family only women inherit. So when Granny died My Mum & her sister inherited everything and her brother nothing, and they have no rift between them they see each other weekly etc. The view my granny had was that men get an easier ride in life so can provide for themselves but women can and do struggle in this world.

The obvious thing here would be for your dh to give your ds a gift out of his inheritance & you explain to your ds the will was written before he was born and mil for whatever reason never changed it

PinkHeart5913 · 28/09/2017 14:52

But I also agree with others that mil will should only be split between the dc anyway not the grandchildren. As it is not fair to Bil who doesn't have dc

SteampunkPrincess · 28/09/2017 14:57

If she dies before your DC are 18 then I'd simply split dd's share with your ds, I doubt anyone will object or try and stop you.

except thats not legal....

FenceSitter01 · 28/09/2017 14:57

I'd simply split dd's share with your ds, I doubt anyone will object or try and stop you.

That would be theft and depending on the amount could irrevokably damage DDs relationship with her parents.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 28/09/2017 14:58

I don't know if I'm reading it wrong but you OP says your DD share will be split with however many more kids you have, so technically he is in it and getting a share, right?

SendintheArdwolves · 28/09/2017 15:02

I agree - I think that expecting your MIL's grandkids to have an equal share to her kids is a bit off. What if you had three sets of twins and expected the will altered each time to make sure the inheritance got split evenly?

Your MIL hasn't said that your DS (her DGS) gets nothing, she has said that the inheritance is split four ways - one share to each of her children, and one share to be split between her grandchildren.

Why do you feel like this is somehow going to cause a rift between your children? The MIL has stated "that if we had any more kids, DD'S share would be split between her and however many more dc's we have". It's nothing to do with not liking your DS - she made that call before he was born.

Easyonthetonic · 28/09/2017 15:03

Are you saying that DD's share being split with any subsequent children is not actually written into the will, just verbally stated by MIL?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 28/09/2017 15:03

SpareChange, that's what MIL said she would change her will to say. However, she hasn't done that and at present it says her estate will be split four ways, one share to each of her three children and the remaining share to her granddaughter with nothing at all going to her grandson. Recipe for disaster.

If your BIL and SIL are amenable, OP, I believe all beneficiaries could agree to vary the terms of the will so that your son gets a share. However, if they don't want to do that I would think it's down to your husband to hand over his share to your son. What very odd behaviour from your MIL.

honeylulu · 28/09/2017 15:04

After her death the beneficiaries can agree a deed of variation to distribute the estate differently even if this means including a "new" beneficiary. All must agree though, but it seems unlikely your bil and SIL would object to your dd's share being split with her brother. If dd is an adult she must agree, if not then the trustees of her share can decide.

sirfredfredgeorge · 28/09/2017 15:04

DH give his share to DS, your kids get the same...

NearLifeExperience · 28/09/2017 15:04

The OP states:
MIL stated that if we had any more kids, DD'S share would be split between her and however many more dc's we have

So how is sharing between OPs children illegal or theft? Confused

danTDM · 28/09/2017 15:04

I really hope this too with my M and D. We are no contact and they will probably have cut me out and left it all to my siblings who are relying on it.

I am the scapegoat of the family. It's a nasty thing to say, I am aware of that. But I agree with you OP and I also think it is very likely that carehome fees will eat up the money anyway.

NearLifeExperience · 28/09/2017 15:05

Oh I see, she hasn't changed it. Ignore me.

Missingstreetlife · 28/09/2017 15:07

Wills can be varied if all beneficiaries agree. In this case only dd would have to agree as the others are not affected. I presume the money will be in trust for her and trustees may have some authority
Agree it is unfair. Don't let it spoil your day, prob no point discussing with mil, anything can happen

User843022 · 28/09/2017 15:07

But your dh should share his inheritance with his dc, what if db and dsil have DC? How odd to have named one dgc in the first place.
You can't make her do anything, all you can do is encourage DD to share hers with her sibling.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 28/09/2017 15:07

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Oh ok, thanks for clearing that up :)

FenceSitter01 · 28/09/2017 15:08

O/t what would happen if ie you had X number of children, MIL died and you had two more OR BIL/SIL decided to start a family?

MIL has made her will and thats that. Whether the request is verbal for DDs portion to be split between all future grandchildren or whether its in writing is the issue . FWIW we sould probably sort our will out as ours names DC1, DC2 and any subsequent children to have equal shares - there are now three children so I suppose we should get round to naming DC3. Not that it matters as it's covered irrespective of whether he's actually named or not.

TBH I do find these thread a bit grabby. Simply its MILs money she can leave it where she wishes.

pallisers · 28/09/2017 15:09

I think that expecting your MIL's grandkids to have an equal share to her kids is a bit off. What if you had three sets of twins and expected the will altered each time to make sure the inheritance got split evenly?

She wouldn't need to change it every time. She simply makes the bequest to her grandchildren to be divided equally. Any future grandchildren would be included.

Are you certain this isn't what she did? I expect any solicitor would have advised her to do this if she only had one grandchild at the time and it was possible she might have more.

Otherwise, yes it will be terribly unfair to your ds and the only way I could see of remedying it is for you and your dh to adjust your own wills eventually to make up the discrepancy - while explaining to your dd why you are doing this.

honeylulu · 28/09/2017 15:09

Have you actually seen the will? There might already be wording which provides for dd's share to be split between her siblings yet to be born but born prior to mil's death. This isn't uncommon. Mine and my husband wills refers to "all children of our marriage" so we wouldn't have to rewrite it if/ when we had more (we did).

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/09/2017 15:11

It's possible to distribute the money differently after the person has died - IF all the legatees agree. Dh and his siblings reinstated a brother had been cut out - for valid enough reasons at the time, but which no longer existed.
They also made a gift to someone they felt should have had something, but who had been ignored.

MaxPepsi · 28/09/2017 15:12

Ask your DH to give his share directly to your son. That way both his children inherit equally.
As you hope it's all taken in care fees you obviously don't want your DH to inherit either.