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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To secretly hope inheritance gets spent on care home fees?

120 replies

HelpInheritanceDilemma · 28/09/2017 14:37

Have NC and changed a few details as family members read this forum.
I have 2 dc, DD who is 9 and DS who is 4. Before DS was born and after FIL died, my MIL changed her will to split inheritance equally in 4 between DH, his DSis and DB and our DD. MIL stated that if we had any more kids, DD'S share would be split between her and however many more dc's we have.

We are now about 6 years on from that point and it seems MIL has no intention of changing her will to include DS. DH's brother is an executor of the will and he has tried to talk to her about it, only to be fobbed off or told that DS not being included is 'his issue'. MIL does seem to favour DD more than DS, this comes across in her actions in other ways, DD was the only GC for 4 years (BIL and SIL have no kids and don't want any).

I'm getting worried about the effects this may have on our family in the future and how it might all make DS feel. It's not a small amount of money - about 100k DD stands to inherit when she turns 21.

A part of me hopes it will all get blown on care home fees - whenever inheritance threads appear on mn, a large proportion of people mention that the person is unlikely to get their hands on any cash due to the possibility of this. AIBU to hope this is the outcome? None of MILs children would look after her themselves, they all have difficult relationships with her and can only tolerate her in small doses. She is in her 70s and in ok health.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 28/09/2017 16:01

If the OPs' dd was to come on here in x years and ask about dividing her inheritance with her brother on her parents' say so I bet 3/4 of posters would be advising her not to do it.

Witchend · 28/09/2017 16:01

Are you sure the will doesn't say and share 4 split goes to Op's dd nless there are more dc in which case the 4th share is split between all grandchildren.

RavingRoo · 28/09/2017 16:03

In this situation your DH should just give your DS his share when the time comes.

Maryz · 28/09/2017 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

User843022 · 28/09/2017 16:07

'I find it strange the number of people saying that money shouldn't be left to dgc separately from the parents. '
Well of course they can but not like this divided by 4, the 3 dc and 1 dgc. Grandkids can and do have their own amount but it shouldn't be the same as the actual adult DC, which it is here unless I've misread. The only time it's the norm is when the adult DC has died and the amount goes directly to the dgc instead.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 28/09/2017 16:07

I think that when MIL passes away and the will comes out you just say to your DD that Granny had always said it would be split amongst other grandchildren and she must have forgotten to change her will. So that means that half is her brothers. Even if she is older/and adult she would hopefully accept this.

Don't do this, OP. I am not a lawyer, but surely a will is a binding legal document. If your daughter inherits before she is an adult, somebody will have to look after the money for her as her trustee(s) until she is of age. It is not open to DD's trustees to give away half her inheritance. It would be a breach of trust (legally, not just morally).

If DD is an adult when she inherits, it would be entirely up to her whether she wants to split her inheritance with her brother. Nobody can make her do it.

thecatsthecats · 28/09/2017 16:09

I have left nothing to my brother, and nothing to my older sister in my will. My other sister gets a chunk, though the majority goes to my DP currently.

The brother I've left out is a lazy misogynist (my mum never sees this), and the sister is very well off and also spends money like water. The sister I am leaving money is closest to me, and on a low income.

If I die before my parents, I know they'll be lived about leaving my brother out (they are NC with sister), and my other sister will think its unfair to leave our sister out.

I don't care. It's my last wishes, and I'd damn well expect them to be respected.

SerfTerf · 28/09/2017 16:10

But you can do it formally as a variation gaspode.

So you CAN " just say to your DD that Granny had always said it would be split amongst other grandchildren and she must have forgotten to change her will." Then apply for a variation to that effect and it's all sorted.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 28/09/2017 16:13

Again, I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know how this works in practice. However, surely it's not possible to get a variation if one of the beneficiaries is under age? Or do the trustees make the decision on her behalf and hope she doesn't sue later?

Is it possible for most of the beneficiaries to agree a variation for their combined shares if one person disagrees?

SerfTerf · 28/09/2017 16:16

I've seen it done from the sidelines three times now and it didn't seem overly complicated. Of course, if it's a "family at war" it's more likely to be difficult.

Maybe some advice from a probate specialist NOW would be wise to clarify it all in OP's mind?

Viviennemary · 28/09/2017 16:18

It's not that usual for the grandchildren to be left such a large sum. Most people leave bulk of their estate to their children and perhaps a smallish legacy to each of their grandchildren. I don't think you have anything to complain about here at all. But yet you want the whole estate to go on care home fees. Now that is really U.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/09/2017 16:21

I agree with PP - if you and your DH don't need the money enough to cope if it all goes on care fees, then at the time she dies (or just before so there's no confusion) , your DH tells his brother he wants his share to go to DS.

I'm pretty sure they can sort that out quietly, and unless DS asks to see the will, he would never need to know - plus, frankly, why would he ? He and his sister both get the same amount, are told that the estate was split in 4, his aunt and uncle got 1/4 each and he and his sister get 1/4 each, with his Dad's share "skipping" to them.

There is no need for her nastiness to be talked of again. You'll know, your DS and DD won't.

(please don't tell MIL you plan to do this in advance or she might cut out DH to give all his share to your DD)

CookieSue222 · 28/09/2017 16:24

Errr... I'm not getting why parental estates should only be divided equally between children, and not grandchildren.
A share of a parental estate is a gift/privilege - not a god given right surely? Should it not be down to the deceased as to who does or doesn't get what? Or whether the whole lot goes to the local dogs home?
That said, I still think your MIL is wrong, IF she has only left something to the DD as that may turn out to be extremely divisive.

WildRosesGrow · 28/09/2017 16:24

You can't do a deed of variation that affects the share of a minor without a court agreeing that it is in the minor's interest, which does not seem to be the case here.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 28/09/2017 16:25

Of course she's got something to complain about, Viviennemary! Her daughter stands to get £100,000 and her son to get nothing at all, if the OP's understanding of the will is correct. Not conducive to warm family relations in the future at all.

Re the variation - a few minutes on Google suggest to me that a variation affecting the inheritance of a minor has to be approved by the court.

If I've understood this correctly (by no means a given), your husband, OP, could agree to a variation that left his share or part of it to your son, and that would need nobody else's approval, but if you want your husband, his siblings and your daughters all to give up part of their share to your son they would all need to agree to it, and if your daughter is still a minor it would need court approval. I think.

Any lawyers about to comment?

pallisers · 28/09/2017 16:26

The OP can't just "get a variation" like it is picking up a dog licence.

Also, OP, I think I would want to know what are the terms of the bequest to your dd. Does she get the entire amount at age 18? No way would I want my 18 year old to get access to 100k at 18. She might buy a house - or she might piss it away. What a waste.

I wonder if your MIL is reaching an age where she hates thinking about disposition of assets because it is looming ever closer. Maybe that is why she won't discuss.

Viviennemary · 28/09/2017 16:29

The OP isn't even a blood relative and yet is making the most noise about unfairness. OP's family is getting a double share of the estate already. Twice as much as the other brother and sister who have no children. If she is that concerned about fairness then give their share to the other child. If it was my will and I got wind of this from an inlaw I'd be furious.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/09/2017 16:30

I would (assuming I wasn't financially challenged) give dh's share to ds. You won't miss what you've never had and much better than the care home alternative. That way both dc get a fantastic inheritance. Any savings you were saving for their futures yourself dh can then have.

kaitlinktm · 28/09/2017 16:30

It does seem that your family will inherit the bulk of the estate which doesn't seem fair to me. I wonder how your BIL and SIL feel about it.

If it helps, my parents set up some kind of trust fund when my DC1 was born, and when DC2 came along the rules had changed and you couldn't set up the same thing. It had to be in my name until he was 18. They added to it including monies they had intended for DC2 and when the oldest was 18, the money was divided up and DC1 was given his half and I hung onto the other half until DC2 was 18 - I did explain it to the DC, but it was never an issue that DC2 would end up with nothing.

This wasn't a will though - but surely any money left to your DD will be in trust (probably with your DH) until she is 18, at which point it can be divided between your children.

Tainbri · 28/09/2017 16:34

How do you know she hasn't changed her will and left the entire lot to the cats home? I don't think there is any point in speculating. If she does need to go into a home that will certainly solve "the problem". When my grandpa died turned out he had a secret family and had fathered three other kids and left it all to them as "they'd missed out". Oh boy did that one send my mother into one!!

minipie · 28/09/2017 16:37

Bluntly, if your DD is remotely decent, she will agree to share with her DS.

I was in a similar-ish situation to your DD - I was left some money by an elderly relative who seemed to have forgotten Dsis existed. It was obvious that I should share it with her, my parents said so and I didn't dream of disagreeing.

Witchend · 28/09/2017 16:43

I wonder how your BIL and SIL feel about it. That's the other issue-or indeed how you would feel if one of them then has 5 children and they all get left an equal share.

I wonder if one of them has turned round and said "that's not fair" Op's family gets currently half, add another dc and that's 3/5 they get-and I think most people would see their point.
So she's burying her head in the sand and hoping by not doing anything she can forget about it and not have an argument, not wanting to say to you "actually I've changed it and just my dc have an equal share" in case you get angry.
Or she may have changed it totally and not told anyone.

DD will be in trust (probably with your DH) until she is 18, at which point it can be divided between your children. I'm not a lawyer, but if money is left in trust, I doubt extremely that parents can just say "oh I'll give half to someone else" even if logically it would make sense. I suspect it may well be even harder to do it than if it is your own money.

Motherofterriers · 28/09/2017 16:50

I think either your OH gives DS his share, so both your DC inherit equally
Or your DD as an adult can choose to give half to her brother
You can't take half the money off her as a child, the trustees have to act in her best interests.

OnlyTeaForMe · 28/09/2017 16:55

There is some very sketchy understanding of probate law going on here!

As others have said, you can't just agree to split an inheritance a different way, especially if one of the beneficiaries is a minor, without a deed of variation, and this is unlikely to be agreed as it would not be in the best interests of the DD.

The problem with the suggestion that the DH 'gives' his share to the DS is that this would be a parental gift from the DH to the DS and there may be tax implications. For example, if the DS then earns interest from money given to him by his father, then he must pay tax on any interest earned above £100 a year at the parent's rate. I'm sure this would apply even if the money came from inheritance, as it would have 'become' the DH's money first?

MargotLovedTom1 · 28/09/2017 16:56

She doesn't sound like a particularly nice woman if she blatantly favours one grandchild over the other in day-to-day terms, as well as saying it's a four year old kid's 'issue' if he's excluded from the will.

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