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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly hope inheritance gets spent on care home fees?

120 replies

HelpInheritanceDilemma · 28/09/2017 14:37

Have NC and changed a few details as family members read this forum.
I have 2 dc, DD who is 9 and DS who is 4. Before DS was born and after FIL died, my MIL changed her will to split inheritance equally in 4 between DH, his DSis and DB and our DD. MIL stated that if we had any more kids, DD'S share would be split between her and however many more dc's we have.

We are now about 6 years on from that point and it seems MIL has no intention of changing her will to include DS. DH's brother is an executor of the will and he has tried to talk to her about it, only to be fobbed off or told that DS not being included is 'his issue'. MIL does seem to favour DD more than DS, this comes across in her actions in other ways, DD was the only GC for 4 years (BIL and SIL have no kids and don't want any).

I'm getting worried about the effects this may have on our family in the future and how it might all make DS feel. It's not a small amount of money - about 100k DD stands to inherit when she turns 21.

A part of me hopes it will all get blown on care home fees - whenever inheritance threads appear on mn, a large proportion of people mention that the person is unlikely to get their hands on any cash due to the possibility of this. AIBU to hope this is the outcome? None of MILs children would look after her themselves, they all have difficult relationships with her and can only tolerate her in small doses. She is in her 70s and in ok health.

OP posts:
Oldie2017 · 28/09/2017 15:12

It's a weird split. In our family it tends to be left to the direct children equally and I am doing the same with mine so not to grandchildren at all. There can be reasons why it is worth including grandchildren however eg to avoid inheritance tax if the etate is big enough for that or if there is a fear that your adult child might divorce and half your money might go to the wicked other spouse! Mind you your grandchild could divorce too.

Why not just persuade your inheriting child to split equally with all other siblings at the time and if she will not make sure in your own wills she gets the £100k less than her other sibling(s)?

danTDM · 28/09/2017 15:12

In Spain, whether you are NC or whatever, DC's inherit a third, split between them, 1/2 spouse, whether you get on or not, the rest you can choose. It's the law.

Missingstreetlife · 28/09/2017 15:14

Cross posted, at least we agree!
If mil was nice she could have left a portion to be divided between how ever many gc alive at her death, still unfair on any that come later.
Much better to have left just to her dcs and let them look after their own, maybe just token to gc.
What did will say previously, what did fil want?

Figment1234 · 28/09/2017 15:15

As long as all beneficiaries agree, you can do a post death variation of a will up to two years after the death. So I wouldn't worry about it too much.

permatiredmum · 28/09/2017 15:16

Maybe your DD will , when she hits 21 shre with her DB from her own conscience

Cheby · 28/09/2017 15:17

MIL is a bitch. You'd have to be an awful awful person to exclude one child.

There is some suggestion something similar might occur in our family; elderly relative excluding one of a number of grandchildren as not blood relative. Other beneficiaries have said that if this does turn out to be the case we will simply pool the inheritance and then divide by the total number of grandchildren.

Missingstreetlife · 28/09/2017 15:19

To avoid tax she should be giving some of it to people now, there are rules about it. Wouldn't mention that either!
Yano to feel it, but prob best to keep it to youself

SoupTroupe · 28/09/2017 15:21

I agree with a pp, why can't you put your husbands share into trust for your son? Then they both get a full inheritance rather than splitting the 1/4 share?

SofiaAmes · 28/09/2017 15:23

Why don't you just ask her to change it?

SofiaAmes · 28/09/2017 15:23

Or get your dh to ask her.

cluelessnewmum · 28/09/2017 15:24

I agree your MIL has potentially caused a family rift waiting to happen.

Really you will have to hope your DD ends up being a fair young woman at the age of 21 and realises she is effectively holding half of her brother's inheritance,and gives her brother half.

Another way of splitting it would be for you and DD to give a third each of your inheritance to ds. So if the amount is £100k you both give ds £33k and so everyone has £66k.

If your DD in the future is unwilling to do this then I suppose the only fair thing to do is give your share to ds but understandably you might not want to do that if that money would help you pay your mortgage off or whatever.

BTW, you don't mention any SEN in either child but if they are inheritance can be a barrier for accessing help / benefits later.

Lunde · 28/09/2017 15:26

My DM did it in fixed percentages - her dc got X% eachand then all grandchildren shared Y%.

However care home fees can rack up very quickly often around £50K per year

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 28/09/2017 15:29

That is a shitty way to handle it by your MIL.

However, if DD is much older when she inherits and knows about the situation, you cannot take the money away from her and make her give half to her brother. We have had this sort of situation twice in my family and it never really ends well. My grandmother left all of her money to my aunt and some step-relatives of hers, ignoring her two sons. There was some suggestion that my aunt should share the money out, but no-one could agree terms. DDad decided to stop arguing about it for the sake of his relationship with his sister. He never expected the money anyway and I don't think there was much of it. DAunt didn't use the money for herself in the end and put it in a trust fund for her own grandchildren. She isn't a mean person by nature and has helped lots of us out in lots of ways. The blame lies solely with my vicious witch of a grandmother.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/09/2017 15:41

My mother's will left most to her children, but something to each of her grand- and great-grandchildren.

However there were 2 more great-grandchildren born after that will was made, when she was no,longer capable of making a new one because of dementia.
My siblings who were executors simply gave the new ones the same - slightly smaller shares for the main legatees, but nobody had the slightest objection. . We knew it was what my mother would have wanted.

CookieSue222 · 28/09/2017 15:44

My MIL did just this. Gave a quarter to my DH, and 2 of his DS. Disinherited the 3rd (not so) DS. Split the remaining quarter between our 2 kids - really helped them at Uni (no where near as much as OP though), but the other 2 sisters were never arsey about 1/2 the estate coming to our house.
It was my MIL's money - SHE decided who should get what - it's the last 'right' that you have in this world. People saying it shouldn't go to DGC may do with their estates as they see fit, and allow others to do the same.
That said, I do think if correct this sounds unfair, and that OP should get her DH to try and find out the wording of the will, as BOTH my kids were named in full by my (much sadly missed) MIL.

SerfTerf · 28/09/2017 15:44

If it happens, you or your DD can apply for a variation.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 28/09/2017 15:45

My grandmother left money to her great-grandchildren, but named them because she didn't want one illegitimate great-grandchild to inherit (yes, she was a bit of a bitch at times). I have two children and my younger child was left out because she came after the will was made, although before my grandmother died. My father died a few years later and he left enough money to my younger child to equalise what my two children had.

We possibly could have done a variation of my grandmother's will, but, unlike in your case, my grandmother was very clear that the illegitimate great-grandchild should not get anything so nobody even suggested it. I'm not sure that a variation would be ethical as your DD would lose by it and she would possibly not be old enough to legally agree to hand over her assets, although there might be a case for the executors to do so as your MIL has expressed her intention to split your DD's current inheritance between the two children. However you could vary the will so that your DH's share of the inheritance is split so that your DS gets some of it.

Morestrawberriesplease · 28/09/2017 15:48

Well, how about you give your DH's inheritance to your DS so that when they are both 21 they have the same amount of money?Otherwise, 'unfair' as it seems to you - who as a family are actually way better off than the other siblings - you might just have to suck it up.Or speak with your DD, about is when she'd old enough to understand and say the intention was to split her money with other kids.

SemiNormal · 28/09/2017 15:52

Ask your DH to give his share directly to your son. That way both his children inherit equally.
As you hope it's all taken in care fees you obviously don't want your DH to inherit either.

THIS!

Personally think it's a bit of an odd split anyway as your family will be getting half of the money the other siblings a quarter each. Each to their own of course but with my grandmother hers is split between her 3 children then if those children wish to gift any to their offspring that is of their own accord. If you wish it to just be going on care homes I'm assuming you aren't in great need of the inheritence so just gift your son his fathers share surely that would be the best thing to do in the interest of 'fairness'.

BarbarianMum · 28/09/2017 15:54

How about you stand up to your MiL and demand that she treats your children equally if she ever wants to see them again (this would include the option of leaving thrm nothing, of course)?

No way would I or my kids have anything to do with someone who set out to be so divisive.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/09/2017 15:55

My mum did her will so that only her children got something (equal amounts). She said she loved and adored her DGC and DGGC but it felt unfair to allocate amounts to them when some of her children had no offspring Her view was it was down to her children to give some to their children if they wanted to. Funnily enough, my siblings and I actually thought it was a really fair way of doing it.

5rivers7hills · 28/09/2017 15:55

Sounds a shit way to do the will.

It would be ok to say all to my children equally. Then the children do as they wish with their children.

Or 3/4 to my children equally, and the remaining 1/4 split between grandchildren equally.

LemonBreeland · 28/09/2017 15:58

I think that when MIL passes away and the will comes out you just say to your DD that Granny had always said it would be split amongst other grandchildren and she must have forgotten to change her will. So that means that half is her brothers. Even if she is older/and adult she would hopefully accept this.

pallisers · 28/09/2017 16:00

So that means that half is her brothers. Even if she is older/and adult she would hopefully accept this.

But it won't mean half is her brother's. If the dd as an adult wants to split the inheritance, she can - but she should have her own legal advice before doing so. No one can do it on her behalf as a minor and if she doesn't want to split it, there is nothing anyone can do.

Joinourclub · 28/09/2017 16:00

I find it strange the number of people saying that money shouldn't be left to dgc separately from the parents. I think it's perfectly natural for a gp to leave money to a loved gc and inheritance from a gp will probably come at a much more useful point in life that inheritance from a parent.

All my friends with nice house got in the property ladder in their early twenties thanks to inheritance from gp.