To secretly hope inheritance gets spent on care home fees?

[HelpInheritanceDilemma]

Have NC and changed a few details as family members read this forum.
I have 2 dc, DD who is 9 and DS who is 4. Before DS was born and after FIL died, my MIL changed her will to split inheritance equally in 4 between DH, his DSis and DB and our DD. MIL stated that if we had any more kids, DD'S share would be split between her and however many more dc's we have.

We are now about 6 years on from that point and it seems MIL has no intention of changing her will to include DS. DH's brother is an executor of the will and he has tried to talk to her about it, only to be fobbed off or told that DS not being included is 'his issue'. MIL does seem to favour DD more than DS, this comes across in her actions in other ways, DD was the only GC for 4 years (BIL and SIL have no kids and don't want any).

I'm getting worried about the effects this may have on our family in the future and how it might all make DS feel. It's not a small amount of money - about 100k DD stands to inherit when she turns 21.

A part of me hopes it will all get blown on care home fees - whenever inheritance threads appear on mn, a large proportion of people mention that the person is unlikely to get their hands on any cash due to the possibility of this. AIBU to hope this is the outcome? None of MILs children would look after her themselves, they all have difficult relationships with her and can only tolerate her in small doses. She is in her 70s and in ok health.

I don't understand why money isn't meant to go to GC. My DF has always been clear - his DC he has helped in their lives (he's been very generous with deposits for houses etc) but now we're grown and don't need help, everything except token amounts is being divided between GCs who are young and starting out. This always seemed fair to me.

onlyteaforme a deed of variation could be done that moved the DH to DS though, since it would not harm the minor at all, just the DH who would agree.

The answer is pretty obvious. You DH should just give his share to DS.

As pp have said, this would require a deed of variation, and because a minor is involved as a beneficiary a court would be involved.

It's not a big deal though, and whoever I said th executor can set the wheels in motion when the time comes.

We are going to have to do this in a similar situation - more kids have arrived, aged person now too far gone to change the will, even though we know it's what she intended to do.

I'm hoping the executor will honour her wishes and get the deed of variation sorted, but it depends upon all beneficiaries and the court agreeing. I've a horrible worry it won't get done and the later arrivals will be left out.

Well if you would rather have nothing that's up to you

Maybe my feelings on this are coloured by not having anything to inherit anyway, but I kind of think that a person should be completely entitled to leave their own money to whoever they like, however horrible, unfair, misogynistic, discriminatory etc it might be. If beneficiaries feel it to be unjust or unfair then the onus should be on them to decline their money rather than on the giver/the courts to change the allocation of the money.

So, for a common example - a grandmother has left her son's step child or adopted child out of their will. That's disgusting but her right. I would be very happy with the other children declining their inheritance in protest but not happy with the will being summarily changed against the knowledge of the grandmother to include the left out child.

In your case I think that, if your MIL is making a deliberate decision not to change the will, your DH should gift your DS his share or your DD should gift her brother half of or completely decline hers. Nobody should be changing wills or persuading MIL to do anything she doesn't want to do.

If the Executor knows that's what she said and intended then can he just split it anyway?

Jux, no, he can't. That would be open to very obvious abuse.

This is about fairness. She can split it anyway she wishes but actively leaving out one grandchild- if that's what she's done. Is incredibly unfair. If it was me I would say leave them both in or out but not just one. If she doesn't want to then she doesn't see the kids . It's that simple. You don't have to threaten that, you just have to do it. She is saying that she thinks one of your children is worth more than the other. Insane.

If the grandchild is over 18 when they inherit then they can give their money to their sibling of course without requiring an agreed will variation.

I think that it is unfair on the brother and sister who get 25% of the estate each whilst your family gets 50%. In my view it would be much fairer to split it three ways between the children.

Thank you for all the replies, once the kids are settled for the night I'll be back to reply to some of the questions.

@OP '...whenever inheritance threads appear on mn, a large proportion of people mention that the person is unlikely to get their hands on any cash due to the possibility of this.'

There are roughly 11.8 million people 65 and older in the UK. 291,000 live in care homes, about 4%.

It's rather less common than you might think.

Manic - finally someone who 'gets it'.
Rightly - or possibly in this case - wrongly, MIL has the right to dictate what happens to her worldly goods.
Yes, if MIL's will favours DD with nothing for DS that is completely wrong. However I really don't understand people talking about the 'proper' division of an estate, and what if one side of the family have more kids? That's totally irrelevant - children cannot inherit - it must go into trust - so they will be adults in their own right when they get their hands on it. Please remember it's not an entitlement - It's a GIFT!

"MIL stated that if we had any more kids, DD'S share would be split between her and however many more dc's we have."

so isn't that sorted already? apologies if being really thick.

But you knew this before you popped out a second child?

Errr... I'm not getting why parental estates should only be divided equally between children, and not grandchildren.

My DSS is his parents' only child, so will get everything from both his parents (his mum is loaded, has 2 houses with equity well in excess of £1m). DSS has already inherited £100k from his grandmother and bought a house when he was only 21. I have some savings of my own which I intend to leave to his children, either to help them get a house or pay for uni.

If DP pre-deceases me, they'll get our house as well.

We suspect we may have a similar problem as MIL favours one child over the other. We wont find out if either, one or neither are in her will until she dies. I prefer it that way I think!

Whether it’s morally acceptable or not, the fact is that a Will is just that, the will of the deceased person with regard to how their estate is distributed. I find people talking about their share or division before someone is actually dead really distasteful. The fact is, someone could blow through every penny they possess before they die and it’s their choice. Just as what they leave in a will is their choice. Even if it’s a cunty choice.
If your DD knows that her GM wanted her share split with any subsequent children, then that’s what she should do. Mithering the woman to change her will is not on.

Lakie - exactly that.
Everyone should be free to dispose of their own estates as they see fit. I am sure your SGC will appreciate your kind gesture in years to come.
Your DSS is very lucky/loved.

Yes - Notreallyarsed, that's it - talking about what is your proper share or division smacks of entitlement. Also the talk of how much goes to each side of the family - just yucky!

Agree that in the situation you describe a deed of variation is the ideal way to sort it out. My mother did that with her brothers partly to include the youngest cousin who was only a toddler compared with us in our late teens and our other cousins mid 20s. Where a deed of variation would be tricky is if the beneficiaries aren't likely to easily agree amongst themselves. Let the brother who will be executor know that you would want to do that in due course, and then you can all stop worrying about it until it is actually necessary to deal with it.

I think some people are cruelly ignorant about how their will can feel like the last statement their parent makes about them.

My friend was very hurt when her mother's will was revealed. She has two brothers. She has one son, one daughter, one nephew and two nieces. Her mothers estate was split into fifths - one to each of her brothers, one to her son, one to her nephew and the final one was split between "the girls". I'm normally one for "leave as you see fit", but I could see why she was hurt by that.