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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a cheeky fucker on my hands, don't I?

147 replies

JustHereForThePooStories · 27/09/2017 23:59

I work in a field that touches a lot of peoples' lives (not in the emotional sense; the work I do relates to activities a lot of people need). I'm in a senior, specialist role, and also have additional legal qualifications relating to the area.
I'm not self-employed. I work for a company so am paid to focus on these activities for my employer. They also pay for further education and support CPD in my field.

At least once a month, I have someone contact me asking for my advice on a personal capacity.

In the past, I have helped but have found that many people-
A) Don't appreciate it and expect you to be at their beck and call once you engage
B) Don't give you the full story so the advice I give is moot/unsuitable
C) Make a point of not taking the advice when it doesn't suit them, almost to the point where they argue with me about doing the opposite of what I recommend

This week, a distant family member who I haven't seen in ages sent me an email saying that his friend from work is looking for advice and he will call me tomorrow to talk me through it.

I replied to say "Hi X. Good to hear from you. I'm on holiday at the moment so not available for phone calls, I'm afraid. I don't like advising people I don't know on such matters as it's difficult to get the full picture and I'm not comfortable with it. I'd suggest your friend contacts for assistance with her issue.
Hope all is well with .
Hope to see you before the year is out.
Poo"

He replied, CCing his friend saying-
"Hi Poo.

I have CCed in . , can you please email Poo directly with the "full story" so she can see what she can do to help before you go to the trouble of contacting ?"

I've replied to both to say I'm not contactable as I'm on holiday, will not be checking emails after today, and am unavailable to assist, as mentioned in first email. I've also emailed relative directly on the back of that to say if appreciate it if he didn't share my personal contact information with strangers.

This is just beyond bloody cheek, isn't it?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 29/09/2017 05:26

A GP friend used to get this a lot.

Eventually when someone (accountant CF friend) came to ask to have stitches removed because she was too busy to go during the day to her own practice, GP friend had had enough.

She sorted out the stitches then popped upstairs and brought down her box file and asked if CF could sort out her tax return for her!

I don't think CF did it but it made the point.

SonicBoomBoom · 29/09/2017 05:50

I almost think this is less Cheeky Fuckerism, more complete disregard for you and your time, because it's a whole next step to reply to a very clear email (well done) with what he did, complete with a tone of annoyance especially with the "go to the trouble of contacting " line. Because he's decided that you should be inconvenienced instead of his friend.

Men who do that give me the creeps because I can't help but wonder when else they don't accept a no.

sukitea · 29/09/2017 06:02

I read that as you literally worked in a field and I was wondering what legal profession would set up office in one

rumbelina · 29/09/2017 06:09

sukitea so did I Grin

Peachyking000 · 29/09/2017 06:13

Yes they are a CF!

I think you should be more vociferous in your response - replace "I don't like advising" with "I don't advise" friends and family

blackteasplease · 29/09/2017 07:51

ence why on earth would the legal profession, of all professions, "throw a bone"? Lawyers are in more trouble than most for giving out bits of advice that may or may not be based on the full facts, and why is their time worthless?

I get requests for advice because of my job all the time OP. I won't give bits of advice Willy nilly both because it's my job and my time, and perhaps more importantly because people NEVER give you the full story. It's always skewed to get the advice they want to hear.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 29/09/2017 08:03

I'm forever getting rants and requests for advice about things connected to my industry. There's one family member who I only hear from when they need advice or something explaining - literally no contact from her otherwise!

Friends and family know what I do and I keep advice to a minimum. If I'm meeting strangers then I just tell them that I work in an office doing something boring. Safer that way Grin

PickAChew · 29/09/2017 08:09

CFs go with the territory of having any skill or knowledge whatsoever. DH works in software, therefore is an expert in all things computer related, as far as family is concerned. They all had him building desktops for him, back in the day. I persuaded him that it was ok to not be put upon with the maintenance etc and to point them to somewhere they could buy a half decent pc with a good warranty!

He has ok DIY skills, so the same CFs now contact him when they can't afford to spend their days and takeaway budget on an electrician or someone to put a fence up etc. He now directs them to where they can source the materials themselves and simply tells them what they are likely to need.

PickAChew · 29/09/2017 08:10

Days = tabs

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2017 08:28

DH is a highly specialised and sought after IT consultant who works for many big names and public bodies
Friends and family seem to think he should spend his weekends fixing their printers or "sorting out their wifi"
He's too nice to say no but as he's so busy and hard to get hold of the requests usually come to me and I have no issue with telling them he's unavailable.
Now if they approach direct he usually says " not sure what we re doing this weekend, ask Hopping"

LazyDailyMailJournos · 29/09/2017 08:51

An effective way that I've found is to ask for them to provide a reciprocal favour.

Here's your advice, now can we talk about the kind of cake that I want/curtains that need hemming/cleaning I want doing/planning application/weeding etc. If they mention money then I laugh and tell them that I thought we were doing each other a favour. For those who are particularly thick-skinned and who point out that they don't work for free, I give them a huge smile and say "Neither do I".

LakieLady · 29/09/2017 08:54

I'm happy to help friends and family with benefit or housing matters, both of which are part of my job.

I used to extend this to friends' family members etc. Most were hugely appreciative and would often demonstrate this with a small gift, eg flowers, bottle of wine.

About a year ago, I did a 32 mile round trip to help a friend of a friend with a PIP form. I was at her house for 90 minutes. She didn't even offer a cup of tea. When I got her an outstanding PIP award (higher rate of both components, so £200 pw after adding the premium, and her arrears payment was over £3k), she didn't even pick up the phone to thank me.

I'm a lot more circumspect about who I offer to help now. Some people are just pisstakers.

You did right, OP.

Bertsfriend · 29/09/2017 09:00

I teach A level maths, I am always being asked to 'just spend an hour' with various friends teenagers leading up to their GCSE or A levels. It drives me mad, and I hate having to explain why I don't want to (it's never just an hour). I can even tell when someone's about to ask me and I get the 'gut drop' because I know it'll be really awkward and change the friendship. My longest term friend is a hairdresser, I have never asked for a free cut or colour, and I'm apparently the only friend who hasn't. I'm baffled by the CFs.

MonkeyJumping · 29/09/2017 09:00

I used to be a lawyer and the number of people expecting free detailed advice for themselves, their friends, their family was ridiculous.

In the end I took to replying to any of those requests with the very blunt truth: "Hi X, it would take me at least 3 hours to brush up on that area of law, speak to your mate and give them my thoughts, and tbh that's not a good use of my time. If they're interested in hiring a lawyer let me know and I'll send over our fee schedule. See you soon!"

It did put a stop to it pretty quickly.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 29/09/2017 09:08

Can I just add that it isn't just a problem for professional careers?
I'm ex retail. I have had to listen to a number of people having a bit of a rant about the shop I worked in. Bad enough when I'm actually working, but just plain depressing when you're not.
Oh and then there was the guy who wanted me to take care of the parking ticket he got using the car park next to the shop.
Never mind I only worked the tills and never mind that the car park was actually owned by a separate company and he'd stayed 4 hours in a 2 hour only car park…
Having explained three times that it was precisely nothing to do with me I had to just walk away in the end.
I think it just comes down to some people being assholes.

Willow2017 · 29/09/2017 09:26

cigars in that instance it was just someone who is as thick as mince. 😉

Ohyesiam · 29/09/2017 09:29

I usually say my professional body doesn't allow me to give advice outside the clinical setting ( I'm not sure what you do, but you could adapt to your profession), or that I'm not insured to give advice outside of work. Both are which are almost true.
I have a draft email saying the above that I c&p.

Your response is good op, and it might save you time in the future to have a standard " it's all out of my hands " response.

TheHandmaidsTail · 29/09/2017 09:31

I had the undertaker bring up a tax issue he had, whilst arranging my dad's funeral Shock

What a time to pick!

PovertyPain · 29/09/2017 09:36

That made me laugh, Cigar and reminded me of when I was a union rep. A fellow staff member, asked me to take her uniforms over to the sewing room, across town, in a different hospital, and get them to swap them. She had been sent the wrong size, but when I asked her why the heck would I do that, she responded that "you're the union rep! It's your job to help staff!" 😮🤔😂

RhiannonOHara · 29/09/2017 09:39

That's extreme cheeky-fuckerness, but well done OP for the way you handled it!

Can't believe he gave out your personal details. I'd rip him a new one for that.

ElsieMc · 29/09/2017 09:48

There is a CF in every family. I wouldn't engage any more op. I stopped years ago and it was my SIL.

She never changes and recently she asked my dd2 to assist (write) an application for her own dd to a large organisation. Not only did she demand she do this, but she demanded a time was set immediately for my dd to attend at her home to complete this task eg"Make a time NOW". My dd has a responsible, busy full time job.

I should add her dd is perfectly capable but it is her entitled, greedy behaviour that puts everyone's backs up. SIL "delegates" tasks to family members and I think this is why everyone gives her a wide berth to the extent on family/work occasions there is always a squabble as to who has the misfortune to sit by her.

This email has the same tone. Get rid.

ParanoidBeryl · 29/09/2017 09:57

I really admire your confidence ...

The only real comeback to that is 'Thanks, if you need help working on your self esteem I'm more than happy to point you in the right direction.'

like off a cliff

ParanoidBeryl · 29/09/2017 09:57

Sorry - completely wrong thread Blush

guilty100 · 29/09/2017 10:05

Totally cheeky!

I think you need to reply more firmly

"Dear X,

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. I am afraid I don't do private advice or consultations any longer , because I've realised it can actually hinder someone more than it helps. It's much better for the person affected - i.e. you - to build relationships in an official way, through the proper channels so that you have someone who is properly able to focus on your case and give it the full attention it deserves. I hope you understand. I wish you all the best for the future. Best wishes"

nakedscientist · 29/09/2017 10:13

OP you are brilliant!

Black "I get requests for advice because of my job all the time OP. I won't give bits of advice Willy nilly both because it's my job and my time, and perhaps more importantly because people NEVER give you the full story. It's always skewed to get the advice they want to hear"

I laughed at this because it happens A LOT, I suspect, in AIBU! (not aimed at this OP BTW)