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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out with someone who doesn’t pay maintenance?

138 replies

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 19:48

On account of their DC being abroad and the mother never asked for it.

That’s it really. I don’t know many details (and am too weedy to ask) other than he keeps in touch online but it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as having been on the other end.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 27/09/2017 21:48

I agreed no child maintenance from ex because I could afford not to have it. But the main reason is because it meant he couldn't use it to control me. I live abroad and to take your kids to a different country from one of their parents is pretty damning on at least one of the parents. Add those together and it doesn't look great.

Original poster
IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 21:53

I would suggest your judgement and expectations are a bit off when it comes to men.

Grin the understatement of the year.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/09/2017 21:55

I kinda agree with expat.

I don't agree that you are one because your asking the question and it sounds like he's not for you but I do often wonder, because there are a lot of them about.

I know so many women whose currents ex is a shit mum and a money grabbing git and why should he pay her anything, yet a few years down the line they work out that the problem is him

seven201 · 27/09/2017 21:59

Does he have spare cash? Sounds like the mother might be struggling financially? If she's actually got no money worries at all then maybe I'd be ok with it. But if his child is suffering because of his tightness, then he needs to be ditched asap. At least he was honest with you!

Taylor22 · 27/09/2017 22:01

@Ellisandra Do you know him?

He's said he had to leave a country that has poverty and no jobs supposedly because he needed to make money to live.

Yet he doesn't send any money back to his child who is in that country.

How exactly is that an odd statement?

Tameagobairanois · 27/09/2017 22:02

Even if she can get by, why shouldn't the financial sacrifices of parenting be equalised!? If he doesn't feel responsibility then he views his child like a pay per view movie. It's a VERY common phenomenon though. Among absent dads. If the child isn't under their roof then they feel what am I getting out of being a father.

PutUpWithRain · 27/09/2017 22:06

What LadyLapsang said. Finding out my non-maintenance paying ex had taken his new partner away for the weekend whilst I was accepting charity from friends & family finally booted my arse into sorting out CMS officialdom.

I judge both of them, tbh. Him for not paying towards his children, and her for accepting all of the treats he paid for, knowing he wasn't contributing towards his children.

Not saying OP is like that at all, btw! Just that not paying maintenance should always be something to be considered as a reliable indicator as to fuckwittery (individual circumstances apply disclaimer)

grannytomine · 27/09/2017 22:07

If someone took your kids out of the country would you follow them around the world and go after them with every thing available to you? It's not legal to take a child out of the country and the government would support you in getting a citizen back Depends where they are, there are countries where you have no chance of getting a visa to see them and the British Government will tell you there is no chance of getting them back. Happened to someone in my family.

corlan · 27/09/2017 22:09

Anyone that decides not to support their children financially is utter, utter scum.
You say you've been on the other end of this. How can you even look at him, let alone go out with the arsehole?

Ellisandra · 27/09/2017 22:12

@Taylor22 no, I don't know him.

But I don't think it's fair to call him scummy for leaving his child in a country with poverty and low job prospects (for him) to work abroad for economic reasons.

Just because there is poverty in his home country (as there is for some people in the U.K.) does not mean that his child is living in poverty. Even if his child is living a poor (in monetary terms) life, it does not mean that they are not living a happy and fulfilling life, in their native country.

Working abroad in a wealthier country does not mean that you earn riches untold.

He could be just getting by on a low wage in the U.K., instead of earning nothing back home. No spare money.

I said upthread that I wouldn't date him, more for his "there are other ways" comment than the lack of maintenance - because we don't know why that is.

I think we have the same low opinion of him.

I just disagree that it is "scummy" to leave your children in a country with a low average GDP.

Taylor22 · 27/09/2017 22:16

Then that's your opinion and I respect your right to that.

But to me the definition of scummy is leaving your child to pursue a life of more money and better opportunities, then never see that child. Then never send any money back.

Original poster
IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 22:26

Gah! For once I wIsh MN did have a hive mind cos the opinions are getting mixed. So do I?

A. LTB (we’re only at the seeing each other stage, not DTD)

B. Ask for more details: exact number of times visited, financial well-being of mother, circumstances of split-up,etc?

It’s going to be A isn't it?!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/09/2017 22:27

I want more info before I judge on the lack of money home.
I totally agree with you that it's all levels of scummy never to see his child.

But there is such scant detail here.

What is the XW and child have enough money and he is only just covering his costs here. Can't afford to travel back, but the long term plan is that a couple of years here will see him promoted and then he'll be sending money back, travelling back himself for visits, and estabilishing a home here with the intention that his children can live with him here and study at university?

I appreciate that I'm making up a whole scenario here. But there's so little to go on. I don't know why the OP didn't ask him.

That said - I'd expect him to explain what he is doing to the OP because who wants to be seen as a deadbeat scummy dad?

On balance with him not explaining, I'd say most likely deadbeat scum.

Ellisandra · 27/09/2017 22:31

Oh well I'll throw this one in: does his ex know she's an ex?
Because I'm the cynical type.

But: A

For the hedging "more ways..." shit, instead of openness. There are more ways to be a good parent than sending money. But he needed to tell you those. Otherwise his comment is just bullshit.

mumtri · 27/09/2017 22:34

A

InSearchOfAPear · 27/09/2017 22:35

It sounds like a little more background information would be useful to be able to offer an opinion.
Grin

corlan · 27/09/2017 22:36

the opinions are getting mixed
No, not really. The vast majority of posters have told you this guy is no good.

It's like you still want to deny what's right in front of your face.That should tell you that your judgement is way off. You've got enough sense of self preservation to ask the question, but not enough to accept the answer.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/09/2017 22:37

I've a close friend who doesn't get maintenance from her ex.

As part of allowing her to return home with their dc after their divorce he made her agree to not claim maintenance for their child from him.

She had no family or friends here really who could support her and she desperately wanted to go home. So she agreed.

She's wealthy, thankfully and her child wants for nothing.

I think her ex is scum.

PurpleCrowbar · 27/09/2017 22:38

Honestly, as I said upthread, I've got an ex like this & it's nothing to me who dates him. My ex would be big on wining & dining you, & he can be superficially very entertaining. You'd probably be having fun & you wouldn't be depriving my dc - if he didn't have a woman to show off to, he'd be playing Billy Big Bollocks to his mates - his kids wouldn't be seeing any support regardless.

If you're looking for something long term, though, this isn't the sort of bloke you're looking for. Massive fail in adulting/being a decent human.

LilyMcClellan · 27/09/2017 22:39

No matter whether the mother was a trustafarian or a well-paid CEO or whatever, if a man blithely admitted to me that he didn't feel the responsibility to pay towards his own child's wellbeing, my vagina would snap shut like a bear trap, never to be prised open.

Hellothereitsme · 27/09/2017 22:39

A

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/09/2017 22:40

however we have a joint account so 9/10 times its me transferring the money and me who gets harassed by the mother if its a day late

You'd be happy if your employer paid late? Would your various creditors be happy if you paid late?

There are more ways to be a father than giving money

Oh so easy to say when it's not you paying full time childcare for 3 children so you can work, or having to say no to a school trip cos you can't afford it, or going without a meal or two so your children don't have to, isn't it?

mumtri · 27/09/2017 22:47

I wish I still had that vaginial ability lily, sadly three kids have put paid to that!

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/09/2017 22:52

When my Ex decided to move abroad for work the first thing he said was that he would pay more maintenance. It has been even more important for my son that his father pays since he moved because his dad isn't around to do "the other ways of being a parent than giving money".

Dumbo412 · 27/09/2017 22:52

He is obviously devoid of any moral responsibility. What a get out! She didn't ask for it! But did she ask him to NOT pay maintenance?
Even if she did he should be saving the money he should be paying for his child if it's ever needed. So many useless arses use the same excuse. Funny that, if their exes ever needed anything for the children they share- they'd soon get a "not my problem"

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