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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go out with someone who doesn’t pay maintenance?

138 replies

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 19:48

On account of their DC being abroad and the mother never asked for it.

That’s it really. I don’t know many details (and am too weedy to ask) other than he keeps in touch online but it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as having been on the other end.

OP posts:

Taylor22 · 27/09/2017 20:41

So how often does he see them?

luckylavender · 27/09/2017 20:43

Nope

OpalIridescence · 27/09/2017 20:43

Yes yabu to date him.

Rollercoaster strange post, I would certainly think the same way about a woman that never paid towards her children.

It's not about sex it's about moral compass and whether you would recommend dating a person without one.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 27/09/2017 20:45

there are more ways to be a father than giving money"

Yes, those ways involve actually parenting your children. Which I assume he isnt doing as they are not in the same country as he is.

PerfectPenquins · 27/09/2017 20:46

Yea thats grim it would make him repulsive in my eyes. More than one way to be a father? how does he think his kids eat and have a roof over their heads if he dosnt pay? Their mother is the only good parent in this situation. Does he visit them or does he opt for the lazy online only option? Yuck what a waster.

SusanTheGentle · 27/09/2017 20:47

"there are more ways to be a father than giving money"

Sure, there absolutely are, but that's the third most basic one, in my opinion, after 1) sperm and 2) full time involvement and love. Skyping a bit and not paying any maintenance is a bollocks way to parent.

My father did all sorts of wonderful (and the odd not so wonderful) things for us other than paying for stuff but he started there. Same as I see my male friends doing for their kids now. Not doing the basic thing of handing cash over regularly is shitty.

SonicBoomBoom · 27/09/2017 20:50

How did this come up, OP?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/09/2017 20:52

His ex will be you in a couple of years if you don't ditch him

expatinscotland · 27/09/2017 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

drquin · 27/09/2017 21:04

"there are more ways to be a father than giving money".

OK, so giving him the benefit of doubt for a moment ...... what would those ways be?

Those posters talking of DPs not paying maintenance because they actually look after / clothe / shelter / feed a child for half the week ..... that's probably not what your chap is doing, is it?

BewareOfDragons · 27/09/2017 21:04

I wouldn't have a lot of respect for someone who helped bring a child into the world and then didn't do anything to support the child for not good reason (disability and poverty of dad is really the only excuse I can think of....)

SummerflowerXx · 27/09/2017 21:08

Ah, my DD has one of those dads, but he is three miles down the road. Three miles or three thousand miles, not sure it makes a difference. No respect for the man. He is not parenting. At all.

headinhands · 27/09/2017 21:10

Little respect for him I'm afraid. Not an adult.

AmyGardner · 27/09/2017 21:11

This is how you give money to someone in another country:

Get their bank details and set up a standing order.

No excuse.

TwitterQueen1 · 27/09/2017 21:12

Oh what a prize you have in this man....

Do you really need to ask?

MsVestibule · 27/09/2017 21:13

I went out with somebody who paid a fair amount of maintenance to his ex-wife for his children. He also saw them every weekend and once during the week. So overall, a good, loving dad.

When his ex-wife's new DP moved in with her, my then-BF told me he was going to suggest to his ex that now she had two salaries going into the household, he could cut back on the maintenance.

I told him very clearly that his children were his responsibility, not that of his ex's new DP. And that was before I even had children of my own. If he had gone through with his plan, I would definitely have thought less of him. You've been in the position of the parent not receiving maintenance, so I don't really understand how this can not be a deal breaker for you?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/09/2017 21:13

No excuse - why does he require the mother of his child to ask for maintanance - surely he would just pay regardless or at the very least set aside money to pay each month into a savings account?

Does he visit his child or have any form of physical contact?

No - I wouldn't pursue a relationship.

headinhands · 27/09/2017 21:13

the mother never asked for it.

My children never ask me to but them uniform or pay the mortgage. Can I stop?

EverythingWillBeGreat · 27/09/2017 21:15

I'm surprised at the answers in this thread abit a man no one knows anything about, incl the OP.
So far we have no idea if he sees the dcs, how the split has been (the mother might well have buggered off and totally cut contact with him) etc etc etc.

The answer to the question, 'should I still see him?' cannot be anything else than 'no idea'

Talk about judgemental answers.

lalalalyra · 27/09/2017 21:17

It's not that he's being shifty. It's that he believes that "there are more ways to be a father than giving money"..I don' t think he was ashamed but I didn't want to pry further because I hate conflict and I could tell it might go that way if I did, given my own resentment and situation.

If that was true he'd have explained what those ways are.

"I don't pay weekly maintenance because when we worked out the cost of flights X times a year it balanced out so I agreed that X could take the kids abroad on that basis."

"I don't pay maintenance because ex won the lottery and said she'd rather I saved the money for flights."

Anytime maintenance comes in conversation in our group our friend is straight in explaining to people that he doesn't pay because he doesn't know where his ex and children are, and probably tells people too much about the efforts he's made to find them, because he's desperate that people don't think he's a shit Dad. The people that don't explain are the ones that don't realise they are shit Dads in my experience.

existentialmoment · 27/09/2017 21:17

I'm surprised at the answers in this thread abit a man no one knows anything about, incl the OP

We do know one thing about him: he has children that he does not pay maintenance for. What more do you need to know?

c3pu · 27/09/2017 21:17

Unless he's the victim of a very successful case of parental alienation, I'd be steering well clear.

OohMavis · 27/09/2017 21:18

Makes you wonder why she's never asked - there's usually a very, very good reason why women don't.

Original poster

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 21:18

Thanks to whoever reported Expat btw that was nice of you.

OP posts:

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