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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go out with someone who doesn’t pay maintenance?

138 replies

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 19:48

On account of their DC being abroad and the mother never asked for it.

That’s it really. I don’t know many details (and am too weedy to ask) other than he keeps in touch online but it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as having been on the other end.

OP posts:
Primamadonna · 27/09/2017 21:18

My DD has one of those dads too - I live in a not too distant 'other country' from him. I can imagine him being a sanctimonious twat about his non payment of maintenance...in reality he's as tight as two coats of paint.

existentialmoment · 27/09/2017 21:19

"there are more ways to be a father than giving money"

Yes, but they are in addition to the money, not instead of it. And how many ways are there really when they live in another country? Why praise him for being "hands on" when he is not in the slightest?

MsGameandWatching · 27/09/2017 21:19

I knew a man who walked out of his child's life when she was three months old. Apparently she and her family convinced him that with his job - forces - it was for the best. Years later when he was remarried he was entitled to a higher grade married quarter as he had a child. A child he hadn't seen or spoken to in fifteen years and had no intention of ever seeing. He took that larger, nicer house for him and his new wife. They never had kids but still took that house. It's been years since I saw him but I still Shock when I think about that.

gorygloria · 27/09/2017 21:21

Steady on mums! My ex doesn't pay maintenance because we came to an I pay for this/you pay for that arrangement and I earn 3x more. I haven't read whole thread so maybe OP has drip fed but from first post we know nothing of the circs as OP too wimpy to ask.

Lweji · 27/09/2017 21:23

He could be my ex, except we're just across the Channel from the UK.

In his case, there was DV, a criminal case and an ongoing child case that includes request for maintenance that he keeps dodging.
But I doubt even his family is fully aware of what went on. His mother was a character witness at his trial without having read the full accusation.

So, beware. Yours could be just as nasty.

PoorYorick · 27/09/2017 21:24

What sort of a father has to be asked to support his own children?

This is how he treats his own flesh and blood? I dread to think how he'll treat you.

I bet the ex is a crazy bitch, too.

Ellisandra · 27/09/2017 21:24

Oh I'd love to hear what these other ways are Hmm

I think that comment put me off him more than the fact of him not paying maintenance! Slimy little shit, isn't he?

My XH doesn't pay maintenance. And, genuinely - I never asked. I was the one who proposed our financial settlement, so I think he'd have a fair reason to think I was happy with zero maintenance.

Why didn't I?
Well, pride a bit - I don't want his money.
Practicality - I have enough money, and though it's 70/30 access he still has to maintain a home just as much as I do. Also we have flexible access around my work shifts. I just did not want to end up in occasional conversations about "actually I had him more last month..."

All in all, I decided to walk away from about £400 a month. He's a high earner, though I do OK too. I do expect him to pay £150 a month which is half of childcare.

So... I do believe that a woman can be happy not to ask. Especially if they're anyway the higher earner.

However... I have zero respect for my XH. Despite not paying maintenance, he doesn't put his hand in his pocket for a single one of her activities. If he had once texted "how much is swimming - can I pay it/half of it?" I would respect him a hell of a lot more.

I could not date a man who didn't have pride and decency.

Justgivemesomepeace · 27/09/2017 21:24

Says everything about his moral compass. Does it for with yours? If so you'll be fine together. I couldnt have any respect for him im afraid.

MyDobbygotgivenasock · 27/09/2017 21:24

Hopeful would be a really generous description dear op. You are worth more than this and so is this loser's poor child.
There are more ways to parent than just providing money but 1) you have actually do them and 2) also actually provide money. Unless his ex moved to Equestria where friendship is magic and everything is free?
His morals are non existent, how you didn't laugh in his face at that crock of shit I don't know, but why is this child's mother so apparently ok with him being very far away and having so little to do with their lives? Sometimes there's a not very nice reason for that. So no, I wouldn't touch him with somebody else's barge pole.

CosmicPineapple · 27/09/2017 21:26

He does not take his parental responsibilities seriously.

Dump him. He is not a grown up.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/09/2017 21:27

I never had a penny in maintenance but then I didn't need it. I'd not be so quick to judge .

mygorgeousmilo · 27/09/2017 21:28

LTB before it gets serious and you're stuck with a loser

Original poster
IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 21:28

He hasn’t been barred by the mother because she sends him the photos. He came to the UK because there weren’t many jobs there.

He was qualified in his country but had to start again here. So I admire him for that. But yeah, the maintenance thing did raise my inner head.

It’s ok. I’ve been single for ages and quite happy to be. I’m not going to throw it away and compromise because I feel I need to be with someone. Haha at least that is what I’m going to tell myself!

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/09/2017 21:29

I don't need maintenance but I believe exH should pay it, even if it's a pittance and it went straight to a savings account for DS.
Maintenance is for the child, not the parent.

waterrat · 27/09/2017 21:29

A good man would be throwing money at their child. That is all there is too it.

Taylor22 · 27/09/2017 21:31

So the only way he's a father is by his sperm meeting her egg?

Op I'm sorry for the shitty men you've had to deal with.

He's left his child in country that by his own admission suffers with poverty. That's pretty scummy.

Orlandointhewilderness · 27/09/2017 21:34

No.

Orlandointhewilderness · 27/09/2017 21:35

I mean no don't do it!

troodiedoo · 27/09/2017 21:36

My db has a child in another country. She left a few weeks before the birth. He goes over there once or twice a year but doesn't pay maintenance afaik. Because she named another man on the birth certificate. Which she had to do for visa purposes.

Db is not a bad person but it's all a big sad mess.

PurpleCrowbar · 27/09/2017 21:36

I'm a mum living abroad. Xh pays zero maintenance & there's jack shit I can do about it.

We manage fine - although it's irritating me mightily that just recently he made a big hooha to dd1 that he'd be paying 50% of her upcoming fancy y7 residential abroad. Payment deadline is today - no payment, ignoring emails. So that's a £500 deficit in my family budget this month. So I'll have to seriously economise for the next couple of months to pay it off .

I wouldn't judge you if you're dating my ex though. You have my profound sympathy because he's a cunt. & also because you sound perfectly nice & thoughtful.

But seriously, how is this not a red flag? I wouldn't go there. Not a good dad = not much of a man in my book.

LadyLapsang · 27/09/2017 21:37

I wouldn't. Every time they bought you a glass of wine or a meal, you would be thinking of the child they fail to support. No.

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2017 21:38

So he moved to a richer country to get work... and doesn't send any income back. He rarely visits because it's expensive. What possible other ways could there be to be a father apart from money time and love which is felt by the child. He definitely doesn't supply the first two, I can't really see how he supplies the 3rd. And the 3rd cant possibly exist unless it's backed up with everything in your power to provide - oh I love my child but I can't be bothered to contribute to them. As for that twatty smugface comment of more ways to be a father ....

Ellisandra · 27/09/2017 21:39

Taylor22 what a bizarre post.
You know there's poverty in the UK, too? But actually plenty of people are financially OK and even very OK.
You make it sound like he's abandoned his kids in a shanty town with no clean water.
Plenty of people move to another country away from family for economic reasons - and our immigration rules means it's not like he could have brought them too.

I've already posted that he wouldn't be for me, but I find your comment pretty odd!

I'd want a bloody good explanation for not paying maintenance - and the OP hasn't really asked him.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/09/2017 21:40

So he doesn't even spend the money on visiting his kids a few times a year?

When you say he's a good dad, what exactly do you mean?

Hidingalion · 27/09/2017 21:42

Be careful. You have one ex alreadywho doesn't pay. In the nicest, most supportive way, I would suggest your judgement and expectations are a bit off when it comes to men. You could perhaps do some soul searching about what you're really looking for and how to identify the kind of good man you truly deserve.