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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go out with someone who doesn’t pay maintenance?

138 replies

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 19:48

On account of their DC being abroad and the mother never asked for it.

That’s it really. I don’t know many details (and am too weedy to ask) other than he keeps in touch online but it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as having been on the other end.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 27/09/2017 20:14

I'm a lone parent. Her dad lives abroad. Not a penny for 6 years. She never asked for it, yep sure, ok.

stitchglitched · 27/09/2017 20:15

Argghh stupid phone.

*I wouldn't date someone like this. Too many women give tacit support to men not supporting their children by having relationships with them anyway.

Tameagobairanois · 27/09/2017 20:15

Be wary. That's what my x would have said. Before I took him to court.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2017 20:15

How fucking pasive aggressive does someone have to be to trot out "she never asked for it"

MrsMeeseeks · 27/09/2017 20:16

I would give him the boot sharpish.

Wheresmytaco · 27/09/2017 20:16

So basically he either let her take his children abroad because he wasn't fussed.

He left them.

And then didn't pay.

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2017 20:16

Sounds like a prince.

What's the issue?

Ducknose · 27/09/2017 20:17

No. Lowest of the low as far as I'm concerned.
I'd be embarrassed to be seen out with someone who had failed at the most basic level of parenting.
I could not go out with him and see money being spent that should be going into his kids' mouths.

kittybiscuits · 27/09/2017 20:17

No chance.

lalalalyra · 27/09/2017 20:18

Has he put the money away?

The only person I would be ok with is a guy I know who has spent thousands on court action and then on investigators trying to find his kids after they were taken abroad. He puts the maintenance money he should pay into an account every month.

Ttbb · 27/09/2017 20:20

Yes. This guy hasn't really made any effort to support his children. In his position, my father would have prevented my mother from leaving the country and taking me with her/not left himself and would have fought to get as much time with me as possible. What a shitty dad.

Smartiepants87 · 27/09/2017 20:21

KH369 You post is disgusting maintenance should be paid on time not late totally unacceptable if a man can't afford it don't go fathering children then. Op I wouldn't touch him with a bar pole

CherriesInTheSnow · 27/09/2017 20:23

Does he do anything else for the DC?

My DH doesn't pay official maintenance as he is a SAHD but we have DSS 3 - 4 days a week, half the holidays, pay for all school lunches and uniform, buy him clothes and DH can pick him up from school therefore saving DSS's mum wraparound care.

If he is shifty about it though, I wouldn't assume he is doing any of these things. Is there a way to ask him without sounding accusatory about anything he does do?

existentialmoment · 27/09/2017 20:23

Just because he doesn't pay maintenance doesn't mean hes a crap dad etc.

it does actually mean precisely that.

Justanothernameonthepage · 27/09/2017 20:26

Nope. He obviously doesn't care enough about his kids to want to provide anything. Would assume if he treats his kids that way, he wouldn't treat anyone else any better.

Rollercoaster1920 · 27/09/2017 20:27

Maybe the mum left and took the children away against his wishes? Taking him to court for maintenance would require her re entering the country and potentially jailed for child abduction.
But this is Mumsnet where all men are evil....

You should question this guy more on the ex situation though and get some facts. Are they divorced? What was the formal childcare agreement? How does he feel about it?

SheldonsSpot · 27/09/2017 20:31

The specific reason this waster has given is "the mother never asked for it".

So yeah we can all dream up scenarios where her claiming maintenance could end up with her being in court for child abduction if you like.

I prefer to take what he said at face value. The mother has never asked for maintenance and therefore he's decided he doesn't want or need to financially support his own child.

Which makes him a twat in my book.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 27/09/2017 20:32

Taking him to court for maintenance would require her re entering the country and potentially jailed for child abduction.

Surely you don't need to be taken to court to feed and clothe your children? parents just do it, without being asked.

NotTheCoolMum · 27/09/2017 20:33

Yuck. Massive red flag

Slimthistime · 27/09/2017 20:34

there's another worry here - she might not have asked because she doesn't want to have anything to do with him.

run far away.

shivermytimbers · 27/09/2017 20:35

Just because he doesn't pay maintenance doesn't mean hes a crap dad etc.
So does this mean that if I stop buying food/clothes/paying bills for my children (who live with me) does that mean I'm not a crap mum?
Children cost money, whether you are them or not. It's not pay per view

Wheresmytaco · 27/09/2017 20:35

^Maybe the mum left and took the children away against his wishes? Taking him to court for maintenance would require her re entering the country and potentially jailed for child abduction.
But this is Mumsnet where all men are evil....^

You should question this guy more on the ex situation though and get some facts. Are they divorced? What was the formal childcare agreement? How does he feel about it?

Yeah he just forgot to mention that bit

If someone took your kids out of the country would you follow them around the world and go after them with every thing available to you? It's not legal to take a child out of the country and the government would support you in getting a citizen back

Or would you shrug and say well they're gone now.

Wheresmytaco · 27/09/2017 20:37

Why are people saying they don't pay maintance but take the child three/four days a week as though relevant to the OP? Obviously you don't need to pay maintenance if you've got custody. But if you haven't, you do.

Taylor22 · 27/09/2017 20:39

Ditch and run.

If someone took my children out of the country permanently without my consent you would see me on the news. A lot. I would be like a woman possessed. And then the only reason I wouldn't send money to their kidnapper is because I wouldn't have a way to contact them and I was ploughing every available penny into getting to my children.

So either he doesn't give a shit. Or he left.

So either way he's not good.

Original poster

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/09/2017 20:40

Oh gosh! the verdict is unanimous...

I'm being a bit of a hopeful muggles aren't I?

If he is shifty about it though, I wouldn't assume he is doing any of these things. Is there a way to ask him without sounding accusatory about anything he does do?

It's not that he's being shifty. It's that he believes that "there are more ways to be a father than giving money"..I don' t think he was ashamed but I didn't want to pry further because I hate conflict and I could tell it might go that way if I did, given my own resentment and situation.

OP posts:

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