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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
clearingaspaceforthecat · 27/09/2017 21:48

'Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary' J.M Barrie

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/09/2017 22:01

Wino I'm disabled and my very active husband has a group of very active friends who, on the rare ocasion I am forced to socialise with them, bore on about their very active stuff, despite me obviously having nothing to contribute to the conversation.

Believe me in my head I am saying, "For fucks sake give it a rest you insensitive git."

jojowilko · 27/09/2017 22:02

Given her comment wasn't personal you could have scrolled on.

LilyMcClellan · 27/09/2017 22:16

After reading a few and taking in what people said I agreed with them saying I was horrible etc. But that didn't change the way I felt about what was posted.

Yes, what she posted was judgemental. Pretty much every mother around would read that and think, "You have no idea how hard parenthood can be, and that's understandable, because I had no idea either before I became a parent."

She's going through a shit situation, and she doesn't get it because she can't.

You can try telling her how even parents who adore and desperately wanted their kids have days when they wish they could just go to the toilet in fucking peace for once, but she won't really get it unless she goes through it herself.

I know quite a few mums who have been through fertility struggles and have admitted to being judgemental in exactly this way before they had their own child. Eventually they come to the personal realisation that they were being unreasonable before.

But possibly your friend will never get the chance to learn that lesson, and man, that would suck so much worse than feeling a bit judged by someone who hasn't walked a mile in your shoes.

So in this circumstance, yes, YWBU. It doesn't cost you anything to shake your head and quietly think, "Honey, I hope one day you get the chance to learn what a dumb thing that is to say."

Ontheboardwalk · 27/09/2017 22:16

Yay hi five for your small victory - not

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 22:19

'Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary' J.M Barrie

Ah I don't normally like quotes but that a good un!

Witchend · 27/09/2017 22:20

You never see amputees, thalidomides, or paralysed people commenting on posts about marathons or skiing moaning that people are insensitive because they can't join in
Did you watch the Paralympics? My dd's an amputee and she would be very insulted by your implication that she can't do the above.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/09/2017 22:22

I know it's horrible for women who can't have children

Well that's a lie isn't it. You have no idea.

Dahlietta · 27/09/2017 22:59

When DS1 was a toddler, we met a lady in the park who had two beautiful dogs with her. DS1 asked if he could stroke the dogs. It was all very nice and we had a chat about how gorgeous they were. Then she said to me, "These dogs are like my children because I couldn't have children. Even when your little boy is driving you mad, try to remember how lucky you are." Still makes me well up a bit.

I didn't turn around and tell her to mind her own business because parenting is bloody hard. She was right and I think about how lucky I am every day.

SD1978 · 27/09/2017 23:06

Whilst I understand why you said it, there wasn’t a need to post on her post what you said. If it had been your rant, on your page, and she’d replied, fair enough. But obviously something had happened that day to make her say it- I personally would have scrolled on and said nothing to make her feel worse.

Beachmummy23 · 27/09/2017 23:09

I suffered from infertility for five years. I know have a two year old being a parent is hard but not anywhere near as hard as infertility. You were very unreasonable.

Notonthestairs · 27/09/2017 23:10

So a random generic rant on FB upset you sufficiently to post a bit of a rant yourself.
And then you decide to post on AIBU?

She clearly wasn't your friend and, as you said, you don't give a rats arse as to whether or not you were bitchy.
Completely pointless thread but it seems to have perked you up no end.

CatsOclock · 27/09/2017 23:28
  1. She was writing on her own wall, to her own friends, about her own thoughts and feelings.
  1. You could have simply scrolled passed or unfollowed, with no drama or unpleasantness at all.
  1. Of the 2 of you, who was the most likely to have left the interaction in tears?
  1. Why would you want to kick someone when they're already down?
Zippydoodah · 27/09/2017 23:31

I agree with those who say these kinds of posts are not for Facebook. You have a wider audience than you think and the differing opinions you will get will reflect that and shock you. Best to share your most private thoughts with close friends and family. I think she made a massive error of judgment posting that.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 27/09/2017 23:33

Are you sure she deleted her post OP or simply restricted you from seeing it? I'd have put you on my restricted list.

Liadain · 27/09/2017 23:34

Yes, congratulations to you - clearly Being Right On The Internet meant a lot. It also made a woman struggling with infertility feel shit, but shur, that's only a minor speed bump on the all important road to you Being Right Online, isn't it?

God forbid you show a little kindness to a woman who could be going through battles with ivf, miscarriages, struggling to get pregnant...

And your wheeling out of your anxiety and depression has nothing to do with the situation. In fact, I actually feel less sympathy to you because of it. Imagine if you were struggling, you made an FB post, and someone trots along with a snotty nosed post. Bet it doesn't feel so good, bet it'd hurt your feelings, you might even delete the post...oh wait - whoops.

Icantstopeatinglol · 27/09/2017 23:40

You were awful! Why did you need to say anything? I can't imagine how hard it must be to be unable to have children. Even on really bad days with my dc I can still look at the end of the day at my dc and know I love them so much. That poor woman doesn't have that. I hope your little dig at her made you feel good!

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 23:45

Honestly the way most of you are harping on, you'd swear I'd ripped her a new one by attacking her personally, when I didn't.

Yes this girl may be infertile but honestly I see it as an attention seeking post for some likes. Scrolling through her fb, she's a young girl who's usual posts are about getting wrecked on the weekend.. Definitely no regrets now!

OP posts:
Theycalledmethewildrose · 28/09/2017 00:00

You sound charming OP.

FWIW I keep my FB fairly lighthearted but there are days (usually anniversaries) where I might write something that has some meaning for me.

I suggest you remove her as a friend tbh.

KrytensNanobots · 28/09/2017 00:06

Honestly the way most of you are harping on, you'd swear I'd ripped her a new one by attacking her personally, when I didn't.

Hey, I'm with you. That there are some overly harsh responses on here, and if you (generic you) posts about how some mums are shit because they post moaning about their kids or crappy day when said kids have been playing up that doesn't make you not grateful for your kids or that you love them any less.
Sometimes you need to vent. That works both ways. She was being mean judging others. Whether you're judging non mums for not having a clue, or judging parents whether they're doing it rightly or wrongly.
If everyone stopped the judging and just started being nice to each other would be a start.
Scrolling through her fb, she's a young girl who's usual posts are about getting wrecked on the weekend.. Definitely no regrets now!
This though? You're being mean. If she really is having trouble conceiving/or knows she never can why shouldn't she go out and get wrecked? Maybe she wants to let her hair down and take her mind off it.

FiveShelties · 28/09/2017 00:11

A young girl who is going out and getting wrecked on a week-end yet is already struggling with infertility?

LilyMcClellan · 28/09/2017 00:12

It's interesting how you're so sensitive about being judged when you're clearly super-judgemental yourself.

FiveShelties · 28/09/2017 00:13

Posted too soon -

It is really horrible to not be able to have children and you were mean, but as you say you do not care so enjoy your small victory.

RedForFilth · 28/09/2017 00:18

I thought you were unreasonable in your original post. But after your latest post I actually think you're really nasty.

MinorRSole · 28/09/2017 00:24

She's a young girl? I presume you mean woman but either way, yes I think you were a bitch and anyone who read it will think you were too.

Grow up and scroll past stuff like that, like the rest of us manage to