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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
Danceswithwarthogs · 27/09/2017 14:48

Easier to block/ignore than get drawn into it.... FB is a nightmare for public moaning/ranting, click bait articles or the "#so blessed" photos which make everyone else feel rubbish by comparison. I just tend to look at the funny pictures of cats these days

Kewcumber · 27/09/2017 17:10

I am infertile.

Not infertile until the IVF worked or infertile for 15 years until my surprise baby but plain flat old fashioned life draining infertile.

I have had someone tell me how "lucky" I was to have adopted because breast feeding is hell and you get more sleep (ha bloody ha - 10 years on DS still can't sleep through the night). I could have told her that she shouldn't be moaning about breast feeding when I would have given my right breast for a baby at that point or told her off in some other way. But there were other people there and I chose to say "I'm sorry you're having a hard time at the moment". Because she was. It wouldn't have made me feel better to make her feel worse.

No she shouldn't have said it, but it's sad that you don't care that you might have hurt her more even though you feel she deserved it.

And no, like so many things, if you haven't been there you really don't know how horrible it is so don't trot out that platitude unless you want to make yourself sound like an insincere arse.

Mittens1969 · 27/09/2017 17:52

@Kewcumber, same with me, plain old fashioned infertile and I adopted my DDs.

And yes, the things people say, my DM being the worst (she never had any trouble conceiving), you haven't missed much, I didn't enjoy the baby stage. (I adopted my 2 DDs at 1 year old, they're 8 and 5 now.)

But the OP doesn't seem to care that she probably really upset that friend, which doesn't say much about her as a person. Although I agree that the friend's status update was rather rude, she didn't deserve the treatment she got from OP, who should apologise IMHO.

Sallystyle · 27/09/2017 17:52

She is grieving and clearly struggling. You were a bitch. Something clearly triggered her post and while I don't agree with people telling others they can't moan because they have something they can't have you make allowances for friends who are clearly acting in grief.

The fact that you don't care that you have hurt her is pretty telling. You think it is a victory that she took the post down? You need to take a good look at yourself because you're coming across pretty nasty.

BrandNewHouse · 27/09/2017 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumof56 · 27/09/2017 18:06

if you feel judged and felt the need to reply...maybe you should stop publically complaining about your children

TheSnowFairy · 27/09/2017 18:07

YABU.

Mean spirited and small minded.

So yes, a complete bitch.

Although on the plus side, your comment still stands on FB - so everyone can see how horrible you were.

loobybear · 27/09/2017 18:22

Should she have posted that message up? No.
Were you being a bitch to reply the way you did? Yes, you could have just let it slide and vented to someone else offline about it. What I think is awful though is your 'feeling of victory' over someone who is clearly hurting and that even now, you say you don't care.

I also find it strange how you saw her generic vent as being judgemental and felt the need to respond as you did, yet many posters here are quite clearly judging you for your specific actions and you haven't seem to have taken them personally.

Winosaurus · 27/09/2017 18:28

What I find weird is how people with infertility issues constantly post things about being offended on baby groups etc... yet people with other terrible physical struggles don't do the same?
You never see amputees, thalidomides, or paralysed people commenting on posts about marathons or skiing moaning that people are insensitive because they can't join in 🙄

Threenme · 27/09/2017 18:37

Wino that is not even comparable. Man dh was in army with lost limbs he's has done sky dives, marathons the who shabang! He takes pride in overcoming adversity. To say amputees are excluded from these activities is stupid.
If you can't have kids you are excluded from a whole world you are desperate to be part of.
Finally you have to be cold hearted not to sympathise with an amputee I don't know anyone who doesn't. Clearly those who can't have kids aren't afforded the same compassion.

Threenme · 27/09/2017 18:39

Whole not who. I also suggest you tune into the invictus games or watch the special Olympics on you tube!

ohhereweareagain · 27/09/2017 18:43

yes, you were a clueless bitch. her comments weren't aimed at you in a personal way. she was speaking from a broken heart due to her infertility issues. if you had struggled to get pg there would be more of a chance that you would have automatically known that so i am guessing you got pg effortlessly. i would have gone APE at you if you had said that to me although i would not have said what the other lady had, but still......

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 27/09/2017 19:14

Wino "Thalidomides"? Hmm

Kittykat93 · 27/09/2017 19:22

I do actually agree with you OP, however not sure id have said anything I'd have likely just scrolled on and ignored. As a pp said, I've lost both parents but don't get offended when I hear someone moaning about their mum, etc! Hate Facebook with a passion for this sort of thing !!

LynetteScavo · 27/09/2017 20:22

I agree with loobybear

Aria2015 · 27/09/2017 20:28

Have to agree with others posters I’m afraid. Her obvious heartache at not being able to have children does trump you feeling judged. I think it would have been more sensitive to just not comment.

sourpatchkid · 27/09/2017 21:06

Yep, you were are a heartless knob. Well done on your victory though. I hope she's on mumsnet

Ellisandra · 27/09/2017 21:09

Yep, you're a bitch. All the reasons as above.

EllaHen · 27/09/2017 21:21

I think you lack compassion.

Kewcumber put it well. You didn't think about her pain and at best that's thoughtless, at worst ...

sizeofalentil · 27/09/2017 21:25

Her post was a cry for help - and you responded by reminding her that no, she doesn't know what it's like to be a parent.

Right or wrong, you must have made her feel awful.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 27/09/2017 21:27

Congratulations!! 🎉🎉
You have won a victory by making someone else feel like shit.
Yes, you were a bitch.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 21:30

Yes you were !

Zippydoodah · 27/09/2017 21:36

I am with you, op, having had a family member go through this and make constant digs about my parenting to make herself feel better. She had nothing to achieve in doing so. It didn't make her feel better, it did nthing for our relationship and wrecked my confidence as a parent which in turn affected my relationship with my child.

You are not a bitch. You found her comment hurtful and you were right to pull her up on it. She won't have liked what you said but once calmer she may take some of it on board

opheliacat · 27/09/2017 21:38

I hate people bitching about their children, and I am a parent. I always feel sorry for their kids, so for that alone YABU.

Orlandointhewilderness · 27/09/2017 21:40

Good response.

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