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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 28/09/2017 00:27

Now you just sound petty. Why shouldn't she go out and enjoy herself? Are you jealous she can do this while you're stuck at home with bratty children?what should she be doing, sit at home crying because she can't have children...oh you don't approve of that either

Carouselfish · 28/09/2017 00:48

You believe she was judging women who complain about their children by saying they didn't know how lucky they were to have them basically.

You then said she had no right to an opinion because she didn't know how hard it was to have them. Which, according to your definition is judging, no?

You both expressed an opinion based on generalisations. No different to each other really. You both have the 'right' to do that.

The other factors were that it was her fb page and her infertility is likely more emotionally painful than your annoyance over your interpretation of her comment.

craftsy · 28/09/2017 00:53

Yes a total bitch. She was clearly hurting and you made her feel worse. Well done.

HiJenny35 · 28/09/2017 00:57

Yep 100% bitch, you've already said that you don't care so pretty pointless post. And while on the subject I can't stand people who go on Facebook and bitch about how hard it is to be a parent so I think her actual post was correct too!

QueSera · 28/09/2017 01:07

She wasnt being judgmental at all - obviously her comment came from a place of pain.
Wow you are so self-absorbed that you couldn't see that? And so nasty that you had to go further and publicly crucify her, when she's already suffering so much?
You owe her a massive apology. And you need to acquire some compassion and emotional intelligence.

Beansonapost · 28/09/2017 01:11

Meh... just because you want something and can’t have it doesn’t mean other people can’t complain about having what you want.

The strange thing with life is that everyone thinks their burden is the heaviest...

YWNBU.

cambodianfoxhound · 28/09/2017 02:11

I think you need to apply the 'Is true, is it necessary, is it kind' filter to your social media posts in future. You failed on the second two criteria here.

We all do stuff in anger we regret though and I imagine you are asking here as there is some regret involved. If it was me I would send her a personal message apologising explaining it hit a nerve as you are struggling yourself and that you wish her the best.

emmyrose2000 · 28/09/2017 04:56

In answer to your thread title, yes, you are a bitch. Each subsequent is so nasty that it just keep confirming that.

Anyone who thinks it's okay to feel victorious over a nasty post/comment towards a person suffering infertility needs professional help.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/09/2017 06:04

Yep, bitch. Nasty reply, at least she has the dignity to delete the post and not respond to you.

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2017 06:15

Yes this girl may be infertile but honestly I see it as an attention seeking post for some likes. Scrolling through her fb, she's a young girl who's usual posts are about getting wrecked on the weekend.. Definitely no regrets now!

Are you deliberately trying to come across as mean spirited and lacking in any empathy? It's almost as if you want people to attack you.

AnneTwacky · 28/09/2017 06:20

I think you know what you did was mean or why would you try to get validation from us.

Technically you're right, but the noble course of action would have been to realise that she's was hurting and ignore her post, even if you didn't feel it was fair.

PetalMettle · 28/09/2017 06:29

Yes ywbu and your follow up comment is super bitchy. Maybe she doesn't normally post about it as she's worried people will attack her for her opinion. So you've now just removed an outlet

RiseToday · 28/09/2017 07:27

It sounds like you were in Mumsnet mode when you posted that message.

It's the kind of thing you might expect to read on here, anonymously.....not on a friends FB page.

So yes, you've made yourself look like a bit of a wally to say the least. Don't be surprised if she deletes you.

Capricorn76 · 28/09/2017 07:30

There's a woman I know of (GF of my friends DB) who gets pregnant at the drop of a hat. She had a stillbirth through smoking and taking drugs. She's pregnant again and still smoking and doing drugs...she makes me so angry as I know other women who would love to be parents but can't.

Maybe OPs friend knows of people like this too and just wants to scream at the heavens about the unbearable unfairness of it all? It's her Facebook page, let her vent. She wasn't judging you in particular, she's just very down. Maybe she even just lost a baby or an IVF has failed?

Personally if it was my friend, I'd be concerned about them, I wouldn't embarrass them.

Wheresmytaco · 28/09/2017 07:51

Scrolling through her fb, she's a young girl who's usual posts are about getting wrecked on the weekend.. Definitely no regrets now!

Can you explain why a woman shouldn't be allowed to go out and have fun if she isn't required to stay home to look after a child?

I don't understand the above. It just sounds like you're bitching about a person's potential parenting ability which you'd never do. Obviously.

Wheresmytaco · 28/09/2017 07:52

Also why are you friends with people you clearly know nothing about?

Kintan · 28/09/2017 07:55

I think you know you've been a bitch and feel terrible about it - why else would you keep coming back to justify yourself? 'Definitely no regrets now!' sounds like you are trying to convince yourself. Hopefully some of your mutual friends saw your response and are wiser to the type of person you are.

pigeondujour · 28/09/2017 07:59

Scrolling through her fb, she's a young girl who's usual posts are about getting wrecked on the weekend.. Definitely no regrets now!

Crikey. Hmm

Worriedaboutboy · 28/09/2017 08:08

I struggled with infertility for years and I felt exactly like the person who posted on your FB feed - frustrated about how people moan about their kids. It was so hard to watch the bump, babies and scan pictures. And then to read people moaning about raising their kids. It hurt so much. But I would never have and didn't post anything similiar on Facebook.

I now have two beautiful children under three and it is such hard work. I wouldn't chnage it for the world but I feel like I cannot moan in my position as I'm one of the lucky ones. I've put so much pressure on myself with this thought that I'm now back in ad's and trying to be a super mum.

I don't agree with her initial post. But she's using social media as an outlet. She sounds very unhappy and I know what that sadness and frustration feels like. Your reply was unnecessary I think and if I'd have received that, I'd have been gutted. In fact somebody said to my face once about how hard raising a child was and I was lucky I had the freedom to do what I wanted. This hurt so much. I think you should hAve left the comment and not replied. Why want that "small victory"? Seems very lacking in understanding on your part, immature and frankly not a nice thing to do. Until you've walked in somebody's shoes, you cannot understand at all.

ShatnersWig · 28/09/2017 08:12

Were you being a bitch? Possibly.

Are you a bitch generally? Based on your follow ups, definitely.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 28/09/2017 08:22

I get it now. You're jealous of how you perceive her life to be and thought you would take her down a peg or two, clearly latching onto her hurt about her infertility was the only way to go.

Well done op, you should feel very proud of yourself Hmm

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2017 08:31

Scrolling through her fb, she's a young girl who's usual posts are about getting wrecked on the weekend.. Definitely no regrets now!

That’s really unpleasant. What’s her social life got to do with it? You sound horribly judgemental.

I guess you don’t like her, that’s the nub of it, so you just found any reason to attack her and hurt her.

Go you.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 08:39

Honestly I think most of you are overanalysing the situation 😅 I'm not friends with the girl, we once worked together. I don't dislike her at all, neither am I jealous of her life.

She said something, it pissed me off and gave her my opinion. I didn't attack her personally at all. Like I said, when you openly judge others on FB you have to expect someone to give you their opinion.

I honestly believe she's posted the status not through her own heartache or 'reaching out', she's done it in an attempt to attention seek and fish for likes. Not the best way to go about it.

OP posts:
shinysinkredemption · 28/09/2017 08:41

Yes this girl may be infertile but honestly I see it as an attention seeking post for some likes.

I would infer that in all likelihood she really is distraught about her infertility and isn’t using it to get a few likes - wtf!!

You should have ignored it, or messaged her privately putting your POV much more kindly if you really couldn’t let it go.

steppemum · 28/09/2017 08:43

Op - yes you were a bitch.

I love my kids, and sometimes complain because parenting is bloody hard, but if I am around people who have struggled with infertility, I am careful what I say, because however hard parenting is, I am a parent and I had that choice and they didn't.

It doesn't matter if she is young, or gets wrecked every Saturday. I bet she would give all that up for the chance of being a mum.

You were a bitch to reply to a hurting person by hurting them more.