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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
KrytensNanobots · 27/09/2017 12:14

Sorry, but I'm going to go against the grain here. People saying OP shouldn't have said anything, was nasty etc.
Yes, if you can't conceive, that must obviously be awful. However, is nobody allowed to post anything anymore?
I might for example put up a tongue in cheek post about "argh, they're doing my head in, roll on bedtime!" or something like that.
For a friend to put up a status berating others for being horrible and unthinking to others, isn't the friend doing the exact same thing as she says she's cross about? People not thinking, being horrible?
Maybe the mum she has in mind during her rant at mothers is struggling too. Did she ever stop to think that sometimes it's not all homemade play doh and walks through buttercups and daisies? Both have a right to express. Otherwise we'd never post anything in case someone, somewhere, takes offence or gets upset.

PurpleDaisies · 27/09/2017 12:17

Yes you "won", but what a hollow victory. If I saw someone behaving like that towards someone obviously in a horrible place, they would seriously go down in my estimation.

NannyHJ · 27/09/2017 12:22

YWNBU and not being a bitch. Her post sounds like a cry for "U OK hun?" responses. Oh, and I've cried many, many tears over the years regarding my childlessness. That has never left me feeling entitled to publicly judge perfectly normal parents and their occasional frustrations.

ConciseandNice · 27/09/2017 12:26

Firstly it's her fb page so she can say what the hell she likes. Secondly she's obviously in a bad place and there was no need to say anything like this. You were more judgey than she was.

BlueLagoons · 27/09/2017 12:32

As mentioned previously on this thread, I struggled to conceive my first child and suffered years of testing, appointments, invasive treatments etc before finally conceiving. I felt like the woman on your FB feed, OP. I didn't say it aloud and certainly wouldn't have put anything on FB about it, but I thought it. Then I had a child and there were days that were trying and I was permanently exhausted but it was never harder than the long infertility years. Then last year, 2 years after starting to try to conceive our second child, a woman I know put up a FB status along similar lines to your friend. She was saying she'd been suffering with infertility for 5+ years (can't remember the exact number now). She was complaining about some parents and how they take what they have for granted. I felt irritated like you did because from my POV it wasn't taking their kids for granted. It was just living life and sometimes kids are a real handful and each day can last 100 years. And then I thought about where her head was and why she would take to FB to rant about something like that and the sadness that I felt for her washed over me and reminded me of that place that I had spent many years in and that I (at that point) was still living within. I could see both points because I was living both having been infertile and currently struggling to conceive again, but I had a child as well.

The point I'm making is that she shouldn't be putting that kind of thing on FB where it was going to piss some people off, but more importantly, you didn't need to respond and certainly not in that fashion. The fact that you aren't showing any remorse and you don't regret being so hurtful to someone who is currently living their own hell is what is pissing people off on this thread. No, infertile people shouldn't be given a 'get out of jail free card' to be rude to others based on their infertility, but in this instance she wasn't being directly rude to you. She was frustrated and angry at her situation and aired this in the wrong way and in the wrong place. You took offence based on your current state of mind. She ranted due to her current state of mind. The difference is she felt remorse/embarrassment at the exchange and deleted the status, where as you don't. You feel entirely justified in being condescending and unpleasant to this lady.

Alexkate2468 · 27/09/2017 12:32

Let me translate your friends post for you.
" I'm so desperate for a baby and don't know how to direct my feelings. There are reminders everywhere of the fact that everybody else seems to have a baby and I don't and it really hurts."

I don't think for one second your friend actually believes that people don't ever complain about their children or that having children is hard. She's hurting and hurt can be difficult to express and it is often misdirected. Unfortunately, that day was probably a shitty day for her and her feelings came out in that post.

I can see why it would irritate you but if you read behind the words to your friend's feelings, perhaps it wouldn't wind you up so much. I think riding above your irritation and scrolling past would have been better. Better still, checking in with her to see if she's okay might have been an option, if you have that sort of relationship with her. Your irritation at her post will pass, her pain from infertility won't.

I'm glad you've not experienced infertility. It's horrendous. I can't really describe it. Someone who can empathise with you on your worst days is a gift.

Damnthatonestaken · 27/09/2017 12:34

No i don't think you were being a bitch, i personally wouldnt have said anything buti dont think you said it to be mean or nasty at all. I get how her post could be upsetting if you were having a really hard time yourself.

bianglala · 27/09/2017 12:35

Listen people, OP 'doesn't care' okay? Grin

Knob.

BlackSwan79 · 27/09/2017 12:41

Being unable to conceive is so incredibly hard, absolutely heartbreaking. I struggled with infertility for years before I was lucky enough to conceive through IVF. Being a parent is hard at times but there has not been a single day since being a parent that has been even close to how hard not being a parent was. YWBU and you should apologise.

WorldofTofuness · 27/09/2017 12:42

Coming here from a perspective of never having been on FB, never seeing the point, and in all the grief that seems to keep erupting over it feeling well out of it... Grin

To me, it would depend a bit on context. A one-off "poor me" comment, aimed at no-one in particular, let it go. Someone who is always making such comments, yes they should be told.

It being OK to lash out at others because you feel hurt is something that ends in toddlerhood. As someone faced with childlessness until 2 years ago, I resentedand still resentthis idea that being a Woman With an Empty Womb is so uniquely tragic that it gives you licence to be nasty to others...who are quite likely to have their own tribulations. Apart from anything, it reduces the moral agency of WomenWaEW.

Yes, there are ways the childed should be tactful. Unless you know they're OK with it, don't moan about your kids to (or in front of) someone you know has fertility woes. Don't joke about their advantages of being childless. Don't share scan pictures with people who didn't ask for them. In return, though, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that someone doesn't launch attacks on a class or individuals, just because their own circs are a bit shit.

flumpybear · 27/09/2017 12:44

It may have been letter to say everyone moans about things they love from time to time, it doesn't negate the fact that they're loved to pieces and as parents we still feel very privileged to have kids - sorry you're struggling with infertility, for what it's worth we all have problems but I do sympathise with you

Or something like that

Octopus37 · 27/09/2017 12:47

I don't blame you, would have been tempted to do the same

MayCatt · 27/09/2017 12:48

You felt a small victory when she deleted her comment Hmm

She's clearly going through something incredibly painful. If you haven't been there you can't possibly understand how all consuming it is.

Rather than show her some compassion and understanding that you chose to hurt her even more, tried to publicly humiliate her and then gloated about it on here. Just awful.

Threenme · 27/09/2017 12:53

Least you know you're horrible and you don't care so what's it matter!

danTDM · 27/09/2017 12:57

Yes, totally you were.

Littlechip · 27/09/2017 13:17

I'm with you OP and I think your response is fair enough. If she didn't want people to engage with her post she shouldn't have posted it. I'm getting bored of Facebook being a place where you can only post nicey nicey positive responses but never any counter argument or challenge, as I think it's shifting discourse in a way where you only see one side of a topic when people say things like that. Someone I know posted something absolutely cretinous recently, and I had to sit on my hands, but I actually regret not replying to it now.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 27/09/2017 13:20

Just after my dd died I was speaking to a woman who had no children. She told me I should be grateful , that was lucky to have had the couple of weeks I had because she would never even have that much.

I had every right to rip her head off but I didn't. I was hurting she was hurting. Both of us acting like dicks would have solved nothing and caused more pain.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

TakeMe2Insanity · 27/09/2017 13:20

Yes you were.

florafoxtrot · 27/09/2017 13:35

I know it's horrible for women who can't have children

No. You clearly don't know. And you clearly aren't interested in the opinions of others on this thread as you've dismissed everyone.

I don't agree with airing of all the grievances of life on Facebook, but I also don't agree with kicking someone when they are down - which is 100% what you did.

Amaried · 27/09/2017 13:53

Honestly anyone with an ounze of empathy would have read that and just felt pity, Of course she was unreasonable but she was venting from a bad place. Why couldn't you just have let it go instead of making her feel worse.
You are clearly proud of yourself so not sure why you posted but I hope you know most of your mutual friends who saw that will think way less of you, I know I definitely would have.

coffeekittens · 27/09/2017 13:54

A pretty nasty victory for you OP what are you 14?

Having been told that the chances are I'd never be able to successfully pass the first trimerster of pregnancy, I would often type status's like that (but delete before posting) and I was never judging an individual, I'd have just read something that provoked extreme heartache and needed a quick rant to ANYONE that would listen. I now have a wonderful child and always think carefully about how I post.

You should have scrolled on and forgotten about it, instead of making someones shit day even worse.

PandorasXbox · 27/09/2017 13:55

I wouldn't have commented. Fairly often Ill see something in FB that makes me raise an eyebrow but I carry on scrolling.

Not worth getting into an argument imo.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2017 13:58

You were unkind.

Mittens1969 · 27/09/2017 14:07

I wouldn't have commented on it, but I do agree with you, and as someone who is infertile and adopted so I understand where she was coming from. But now I find myself complaining about my DDs when I've had a hard day. We should all feel free to be fed up sometimes!

Being infertile doesn't give you the right to be a bitch. But neither should you have attacked her in reply imo, she's obviously struggling. (But it would have been ok to inbox her and point out, gently, that she was being unreasonable, I think.)

beCreativeInitiate · 27/09/2017 14:13

I'd have either posted what you had or removed her as a friend.

I've no room in my life for moaners and nor am I good at letting nonsense go unchallenged.

She's the one with an issue; post something for people too see and expect responses.

Fortunately, through a heavy-handed 'culling of social media contacts, I tend to not come across this stuff too much.