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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
BlueLagoons · 28/09/2017 13:29

Ducknose, I think you've essentially nailed it. OP felt defensive as this woman's status hit home with her. She got back at her in the lowest way possible.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 28/09/2017 13:29

As someone who has made a few Facebook faux pas in the past, I sympathise with both parties.

Nobody is right or wrong in this situation, just two hurt people expressing that hurt in ways that aren't terribly constructive.

This is the trouble with social media isn't it.

In your shoes, I'd have felt irked, but I would've seen she was upset too, given her some slack and scrolled past. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though isn't it!

So what happens now, will you talk to your friend and try and resolve things?

Zippydoodah · 28/09/2017 14:18

Indeed. She can go out and get wrecked on a weekend if she likes (as can mums so no need to be jealous!!) However, if she is partying hard, it would say to me that she is unlikely to be wallowing in a deep depression. I took her post to mean that it irritated her that some parents moaned when some people (i.e. her) thought they were lucky and weren't grateful for what they had.

And, actually, I knew someone who had fertility problems and was a party animal who continued in the same vein once her much wanted child was born. She did go on to moan about her on occasion (like those who didn't have trouble conceiving) and went on to involve her in her party lifestyle, meaning the child often went to bed too late on even on a school night.

So, the point is that infertile couples do not make theoretical perfect parents or actual perfect parents, should their problems be overcome, which does happen in many cases.

Perhaps it is insensitive to complain about your offspring around those who can't have children. However, if you have a friends list of 200, the chances of offending someone with anything you say are pretty high!

I don't see what OP said as being that bad. She corrected the friend for basically telling her to shut up in what is considered a public domain. If OP is told to scroll by on here, why couldn't the friend have done the same about the moaning posts? She saw fit to give her opinion and OP saw fit to challenge it and debate it. She wasn't rude about it as far as I can see - just making it plain how she felt.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 14:25

She saw fit to give her opinion and OP saw fit to challenge it and debate it. She wasn't rude about it as far as I can see - just making it plain how she felt

That's exactly how it is but trust some MNers to twist it into something it wasn't. I was not rubbing it in that I'm a parent and I wasn't attacking her infertility. Simple.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 28/09/2017 14:58

You're sure it was all fine and that you couldn't have been kinder.

Simple.

Why ask us then - I wasted at least 6.5 minutes of my life engaging with your OP.

JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 15:02

And the lady was just making it plain how she felt.

Christ on a bike if you get this offended over one post do yourself a favour and her, and just delete her.

JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 15:03

That's exactly how it is but trust some MNers to twist it into something it wasn't

No. They just disagree with you. Like you just disagreed with the lady on facebook.

The irony is tangible.

ShatnersWig · 28/09/2017 15:09

The OP is a gift that keeps on giving. Shame she saw fit to name change as I'd be fascinated to see what sort of poster she normally is.

user1499419331 · 28/09/2017 17:25

Do you think your feeling judged was more about you, or about her?

Katiekatjas · 28/09/2017 17:31

I don’t think it was very nice and she obviously really really wants kids. It’s true nobody is a perfect parent but I am betting if she had the chance to be a mum she would cherish every moment.

lloydee1983 · 28/09/2017 17:32

I don't think you were

Drivingmenuts · 28/09/2017 17:44

Don't say anything on social media you wouldn't say to someone's face.

Picoloangel · 28/09/2017 17:46

V v harsh of you IMO OP,. Totally unnecessary. When I was struggling TC comments like that gave me the rage. That said, I would never have posted that on FB

MenagerieMum · 28/09/2017 17:48

Ouch, that's twisting the knife I'd say. I've been in her place and I'm now (luckily) in yours (so reckon I'm qualified to react). In my pre-mum days I was very hurt by "being a mum is shit" posts and now, as a mum, I'm very careful about what I post. Not saying I'm a paragon of virtue, just think you could have seen it from her side...
#justsaying
Hmm

Rocketbuddies · 28/09/2017 17:52

YANBU.

I really hate when people do that 'grateful' buisness. Yes I do feel for people that cannot have children of course I do, but that doesn't mean that when you do have children you have to dote on them 100% of the time and remember how lucky you are.

In the same way that we don't think about everyone in a worse situation every second. If you break a leg you would get sympathy no one would say "be grateful you didn't break both" or when complaining about an awful meal in a restaurant you don't get a response on how lucky you are to have food at all.

Ironfloor · 28/09/2017 17:53

If she posted what she did as a reply to an original post by you, YNBU. But she didn't. You replied to her post. She had every right to post it and technically, so did you. HOWEVER, in your situation, if I had any doubt about whether or not she's fighting with infertility, I'd have refrained from commenting. I'd rather be the bigger person and let go if this petty victory than potentially hurt someone who is already hurting.

Realjournal123 · 28/09/2017 17:54

She was entitled to her opinion and had obviously heard something that had rattled her. It's probably her frustration surfacing. She does have a point also. I have a friend who complains constantly about only one of her sons and we all feel sorry for him.

Andiecat13 · 28/09/2017 18:03

Hmm ... ouch to both the post and your comment.

I struggled with infertility for 8 years and it hurt me deeply when friends complained about their kids. Especially when I had just had a miscarriage.

Now I'm a parent I get that you have bad days and you need to vent about your kids. I'm guilty of it. However I always try to not say anything to my friends who are still struggling with fertility issues.

I think this is a situation where your friend needed to vent & be supported. You know you didn't do that but I'm guessing you had a hard day.

If this person is a true friend of yours, maybe give her a call and apologise. See how she is going. Sounds like she needs some face to face support - not just the virtual type.

Ultimately this post is a reminder for everyone not to be too quick with their typing fingers on social media.

MissEliza · 28/09/2017 18:05

Couldn't you have just let it go? When I got pregnant with dc3, I had to let the instructor in my exercise class know. I knew she and her dh hadn't been able to conceive. She proceeded to make fun of and belittle me for the whole class. I was embarrassed but I let it go because I guessed all of that bitterness was the result of sadness. Of course I never went back!
Op if you love your dcs, can't you imagine how hard it would be without them?! Don't you have any empathy for this woman. If you did, you'd have let her vent.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/09/2017 18:09

Wow, what an awful comment to make to someone who is obviously struggling with things. You could have made your point much more gently and still be a supportive. Instead for some reason you wallow in your 'little victory' which basically kicking someone when they are down. You sound like a horrid person.

BrandNewHouse · 28/09/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollymere · 28/09/2017 18:17

I have one dd. It doesn't stop people telling me I should have more/try for another because they don't realize I was told my chances of getting and staying pregnant were slim. It is heartbreaking to listen to people grumble when you can't have kids. She had every right to say that and your post seems a little over the top and nasty, sorry.

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2017 18:20

I'd rather be the bigger person and let go if this petty victory than potentially hurt someone who is already hurting

This, this is the perfect way to sum it up. That’s it exactly. It’s better to be the bigger person than to hurt someone already hurting.

Sara107 · 28/09/2017 18:22

You were bitchy. To be honest, as a parent myself, I am amazed by the amount parents complain about their parenting. If you are going through a particularly difficult time, for example struggling with money or disability, or your child is going through a phase that's hard to cope with such as not going to sleep at night then it's fine to offload or look for advice or support. But there seems to be many people who just complain non stop about how hard it all is and how shit their life is and how they need to have wine or gin or something to cope with a day minding their kids. And I wouldn't post on FB about it, but I do find myself thinking 'why the fuck did you have 4 of them in 5 years if you find it all such a pain in the arse???'

steff13 · 28/09/2017 18:22

Based on her comment, it seems like she was struggling and lashed out. I'm sure we've all been there. A little empathy wouldn't have gone amiss.