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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 11:12

@Proudmummytodc2, I'm so sorry, that woman was horrible to you. So wrong. Being unable to conceive doesn't give a woman the right to be a bitch basically. Angry

BlackeyedSusan · 28/09/2017 11:18

I can understand her point of view a bit. irks me when mum of four moans about having so many...

but then I have two kids that I moan about sometimes.. especially when autistic behaviours are in full flow...

to be fair a lot of the moaning is about the extra work of disability... especially aorund sorting out schools.

steppemum · 28/09/2017 11:19

But Phelan - in your example, you ranted from a point of despair/pain etc, which is fine.
If someone had come on and said "how dare you complain about your kids sleep, be thankful you have kids at all"
You would have been crushed. That is exactly what the OP has done in reverse.

So in your scenario above, I would say anyone with a bit of humanity would not sit with you and tell you what a wonderful sleeper their dd is, and how she slept through the night at 6 days etc etc. It is just not nice and not necessary to rub someone's face in it.

When someone is upset and expressing that through a rant on FB, they don't need nasty comments.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/09/2017 11:30

No the difference with Phelan was that Phelan wasn't talking about other people. She was ranting about her own circumstances but not calling out other people like in OP's example.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/09/2017 11:33

If Phelan had said "it makes me so angry when I hear parents with children who sleep moaning about the one offs when they don't sleep" it's provocative and aggressive.

Kewcumber · 28/09/2017 11:53

Ummm... OK well with subsequent posts I think you might have answered your own question.

JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 12:00

That doesn't give her the right to openly judge/criticise parents, it also doesn't make her this precious snowflake who daren't have her criticism challenged.

Neither does being a parent give you the right to tell infertile women how they are/aren't allowed to feel. Which you did with your little victory comment. Confused

JKR123 · 28/09/2017 12:04

I've been on both sides of the fence. I went through years of infertility before I could have DC1 and needed fertility treatment to conceive. I now have two DC and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have them. Yes there are some days when they are difficult but trust me all the tantrums, messy nappy changes and lack of sleep does not even compare to the misery that infertility brings. It was such a miserable lonely time. I think you were mean with your comment to be honest.

Threenme · 28/09/2017 12:07

It took me years to get my kids there is no worser feeling. I moan about them now. If someone who couldn't have kids pulled me up on it, I'd take it on the chin and my heart would go out to them. I'd never set about someone having a general vent. Obviously they are hurting.

Montsti · 28/09/2017 12:17

You sound lovely....such an unnecessary reply...

Mia1415 · 28/09/2017 12:20

You were being completely unreasonable OP. You have absolutely no idea what is going on in her life. The fact she goes out at weekends is irrelevant. It might not even be her that is infertile, but someone close to her. Just scroll past!!!

Mumof56 · 28/09/2017 12:33

I just pointed out that it's hard enough being a parent as it is without them feeling judged for having a moan on top

Change parent to infertile in your post. or are only parents allowed to moan? Hmm

septembersunshine · 28/09/2017 12:37

Can you message her privately and apologies, just say you were having a bad day? I think she is in pain herself with infertility. I would have let her go, there are so many rubbish posts on fb. Just learn to ignore them. But this, this is a cry for help I think.

JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 12:38

I know right Mumof56. It's a bit hypocritical isn't it? Parents are allowed to moan but not infertile women.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 12:52

Parents are allowed to moan but not infertile women

Where have I said that? People can moan as much as they like just don't criticise others whilst doing it. There's a difference between 'I'm sick of all these appointments, I just want a baby' and 'I'm sick of parents complaining about their children, you should think of us who cant'

OP posts:
Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 12:53

Love how some of you are trying to paint a picture that I'm somehow against 'infertile women' 😂 Typical MN!

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 12:57

where have I said that?

In the opening post and throughout the whole thread. Confused

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 12:59

There's a difference between 'I'm sick of all these appointments, I just want a baby' and 'I'm sick of parents complaining about their children, you should think of us who cant'

No. I generally go by the rule of 'its never wise to be one of those knobby people who gives someone a public dressing gown on social media about what they are / aren't allowed to judge/complain about.'

But then I usually unfollow people like that as I dont see peoples deleted comments / statuses as personal victories.

JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 13:00

*down not gown.

People are welcome to give me fluffy dressing gowns at any point!

onceisok · 28/09/2017 13:03

Infertility can warp you so badly.

A friend of mine has just had her fourth IVF (that's bankrupting them) end in a miscarriage and she's pretty much suicidal.

Why on earth couldn't you just leave it?

Very mean.

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 13:12

I think it's because you have come across as very unfeeling, OP, seeing your comment as a small victory and not caring if you upset her. You seemed to be enjoying coming across as a bitch, so you shouldn't be surprised if posters take you to be one.

You obviously don't like this person so why have her as a friend at all?

JonSnowsWife · 28/09/2017 13:13

Love how some of you are trying to paint a picture that I'm somehow against 'infertile women' 😂 Typical MN!

Yes. Wherever may some MNers have got that silly idea from?... Hmm

onceisok · 28/09/2017 13:14

Your following comments make you look even more unpleasant. Glad you aren't my 'friend'.

Who needs enemies with a friend like you?

Worriedaboutboy · 28/09/2017 13:16

Bore off. You've realised you were probably a bitch yet you're still harping on.

Ducknose · 28/09/2017 13:17

Her post irked you because you could relate to it even though it was directed at no one. Hmm.
So to 'retaliate', you gleefully rubbed her nose in the fact that you are a parent and she isn't.
Yes you were a complete bitch.