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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
shinysinkredemption · 28/09/2017 08:45

Cross posted. I don’t understand how you can be so dismissive of someone’s struggle with infertility.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 08:45

I do agree with the suggestion that privately messaging the woman would of been more tactful

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/09/2017 08:52

I honestly believe she's posted the status not through her own heartache or 'reaching out', she's done it in an attempt to attention seek and fish for likes

Well you told her then didn’t you. She was using her infertility to get likes and attention seek in your opinion? Good for you, properly putting her in her place. How dare she do that and get wrecked on weekends. Doesn’t she know you’re the queen of social media and get to sit in judgement of all face book posts and life style choices..😳

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 08:56

Of course I didn't tell her she was fishing for likes and attention, like I said, I didn't attack her personally. I just pointed out that it's hard enough being a parent as it is without them feeling judged for having a moan on top.

OP posts:
steppemum · 28/09/2017 08:57

privately messageing her would have still been bitchy and unecessary.

You got to be a parent. Don't rub it in her face. She didn't get that choice.

shinysinkredemption · 28/09/2017 09:02

Steppemum I totally agree but it’s the less shaming option.
OP you seem to totally lack empathy as IMO the pain of a life sentence of infertility vs the pain of a tough days parenting are incomparable. It was inappropriate to respond with a tit for tat.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 09:02

You got to be a parent. Don't rub it in her face. She didn't get that choice

That doesn't give her the right to openly judge/criticise parents, it also doesn't make her this precious snowflake who daren't have her criticism challenged.

OP posts:
craigglen · 28/09/2017 09:11

Yes, I think you were a bitch. Infertility is something that alters someone's life forever. I haven't been able to have children, although I can't see a situation where I'd have posted a comment like your friend did but you were just nasty. I was always taught 'if you can't say something nice then say nothing'.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 28/09/2017 09:17

That doesn't give her the right to openly judge/criticise parents

It gives her the right to lash out on her own FB page and to be hurt.

A decent person would be aware that is what the status was about and move on without comment.

Really, what did you gain from it? A few seconds of smug satisfaction that you made someone who is already hurting feel a million times worse?

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2017 09:18

Op, I think maybe you need to stop posting, with every post you’re sounding worse and worse, judgemental, bitter and really unpleasant. This thread isn’t going to go any place good if your judgements of her keep getting harsher and harsher and start throwing in some insults of her for good measure.

It’s really not nice.

steppemum · 28/09/2017 09:19

but OP - she wasn't judging your parenting. She just said she wished parents would see how lucky they are to BE parents.

and to be frank, anyone who knwos she is going through fertility issues and still moans about their kids in front of her has no bloody empathy and needs a lesson in human kindness.

You seem determined that she needed taking down a peg or two because of her judgeyness. But in relaity what she needed was some of the people round her to shut the fuck up about their hard time as parents.

so
OP - was I a bitch?
eveyrone - yes you were,
OP - no I wasn't
everyone - yes you were

ete etc

if you don't want to be told you are wrong, don't post!

Capricorn76 · 28/09/2017 09:19

Oh dear the term 'precious snowflake' has been trotted out in an attempt to smear an infertile woman. OP I beg you please stop digging yourself in further. You are coming across terribly. Have you no self awareness at all?

GypsieQueen · 28/09/2017 09:24

I suffered infertility for years and it is a living hell. I understand her pain and you should have not said anything.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/09/2017 09:24

steppemum to be fair OP has said she is a bitch but she doesn't care

steppemum · 28/09/2017 09:26

MiddleClass - true Grin

PhelanGood · 28/09/2017 09:31

I don't think you were a bitch. You had a valid point and phrased it in a measured way. A lot of people aren't considering that the lady's post may well have been a passive aggressive personal attack on you or others you are close to, in which case it is not surprising that you replied defensively. You clearly are not a bitch with no conscience or you wouldn't have posted here asking others. When I was on Facebook, sleep deprived as hell, I ranted about my kids not sleeping all the time, two of the ladies who wanted a baby amongst my friends (neither had met the right man) actually publically thanked me for being so honest about parenthood and said it made them feel better... Though I appreciate neither were infertile.

I would have said something too, but would have probably added an apology in there to say sorry if I had ever inadvertently caused her pain thru my posts. And I'd block her from future posts about the kids.

fortheloveofpancakes · 28/09/2017 09:48

Obviously having fertility problems trumps everything else so you can’t win here OP.

I do not get why the OP shouldn’t have said anything? The woman was a bitch first and needed pulling up on that shitty comment. It worked didn’t it, comment was removed!

Don’t sweat it OP.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 28/09/2017 10:09

Obviously having fertility problems trumps everything else so you can’t win here OP

Clearly. I do find it funny how people find publically criticising others absolutely fine so long as you have fertility problems.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/09/2017 10:17

Op, her post was general. It was a rant which clearly was based in her infertility struggles. Your response was specifically attacking her. Can you not see the difference?

Yes of course she should not have posted it, but you do not need to sit as judge and jury of social media and what you’re being told is having some empathy and understanding on why someone posted something is the right thing to do. Even worst case, two wrongs don’t make a right.

You need to come off Facebook if you have got to the stage that you think it’s all about you whenever someone comments.

Worriedaboutboy · 28/09/2017 10:28

"I'm not friends with the girl."

So why are you friends on Twatbook? I'd have blocked you long ago.

SteppingOnToes · 28/09/2017 10:37

The post probably 'disappeared' as she blocked your bitchy arse! Talk about kicking someone when they're down

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 10:46

Just stop digging, OP. There was no need to make that comment at all, you're not friends with her so all you needed to do was unfriend her if her posts annoyed you. Or unfollow if you like having a long friends list.

You've only showed yourself to be an unpleasant person and you're progressively sounding worse.

Proudmummytodc2 · 28/09/2017 11:01

I actually agree with what you said and your weren't nasty.

Having children can be very hard work some days and we are allowed to have a min about that.

Yes I'm sorry for the woman who can't have children I know loads but none of them apart from one judged me.

The one I'm talking about told me i had no right to have children before her as I was younger than her and it was unfair, I then had my 1st and she went mad and said she told me not to have children before her (she only had one ovary so that's her fertility problem) and then I had my 2nd and all hell broke loose.

She told me I didn't deserve any more kids ect ect and that when I post pictures of them on Facebook I shove it in people likes hers face with my look at my super fertile body cause I've had 2 kids. I ended up blocking her.

She now take great delight in the fact I'm now ill and ca no longer have anymore children and she said to one of our mural friends that it "teaches me right for having kids before her and she's glad I can have anymore more to know what it feels like and I also have no right to be sad that I can have any more kids"

I get that it's hard but it's not right to rip parents to shreds because you can't have kids. Very unfair.

HostaFireAndIce · 28/09/2017 11:07

Moaning about your kids on Facebook isn't classy.

bastardlyandmutley · 28/09/2017 11:11

You were nasty, there is no moral high ground to be found. What did you expect, a chorus of how amazing you were to have socked it to the infertile woman?

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