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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss DDs birthday?

112 replies

PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 10:23

Would you do this?

I've had an excellent last minute opportunity come up at work to travel abroad for a week to somewhere I have long wanted to go. It would be good for my career as well.

But - I would miss DD's 6th birthday, as well as her party. I had planned a special day with just me and her which I had already told her about (it's next week) and the party cannot be changed either. I've traveled before but with more notice.

The grandparents/DH have resolved to make it a special day if I go but it's still enough to make me waver in my decision to go.

WIBU to miss the birthday?

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 26/09/2017 10:31

You're unclear about what the opportunity actually is.

Is it actually FOR work? Or loosely related to work?

I don't think I'd miss my DD's 6th birthday just to visit somewhere I've always wanted to go to.

Original poster
PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 10:34

Sorry to clarify - it's for work so a good career opportunity, as well as being to somewhere I've always wanted to go. I could say no, but I know work would prefer me to say yes.

OP posts:
Nuttynoo · 26/09/2017 10:37

Go and have your special day with her later. At the end of the day this work opportunity will benefit her too.

manicinsomniac · 26/09/2017 10:49

Yeah, I'd go on the work trip.

Your daughter still gets all her birthday activities with your husband and parents plus she'll get an extra special day with you at a later date. She doesn't need it to be her birthday itself.

You have a life too and deserve to be able to take opportunities to a) enjoy yourself and b) further your career.

A birthday's just a day - not worth making sacrifices like that for imo.

Dancinggoat · 26/09/2017 10:50

Go. Rearrange the day before you go so she can see it's going to happen. She'll be preoccupied with her friends at her party.
Leave her a treasure hunt for a present from you. Face time her on your H phone first thing on her birthday and give her clues to find it. She'll love that.

PinkHeart5913 · 26/09/2017 10:53

Well I don't agree a birthday is "just a day" especially not when you are 6!

Having said that I see nothing wrong with you going and having a Day out just you & dd either before you go or when you return so you can still mark the birthday and she'll no doubt have a lovely dad with her dad and grandparents while you are away

OtterlyNutty · 26/09/2017 10:54

Can you celebrate with her when you get back - two birthdays Grin

KityGlitr · 26/09/2017 10:57

Go! You'll be a great role model for your girl, seeing her mum putting herself out there for work and having a career, my mum just had jobs not a career but it instilled me in a real work ethic and belief that women should be out there working and being independent. That's way more important than a birthday happening on a specific day.

Explain it to her and have a special day when you return. I know mums tend to feel indisposable but she'll have just as wonderful a time with the rest of her family. It's just a day. At six as long as I was made a fuss of and given a cake to blow out i wouldn't have cared who was there specifically!

underneaththeash · 26/09/2017 11:09

I wouldn't go..my 6 year old would be devastated if I told her we were doing something special for her birthday and then I pulled out for a work trip. You'd basically be saying that work is more important than her. Your family should come first. (And yes I'd be saying that if it was your DH rather than you).

They'll be other work trips.

SouthWindsWesterly · 26/09/2017 11:15

Do you know what, I would have been in the court of she's 6 and it's highly importanr.

But my DH has missed my DC's birthday due to work. It's wasn't malicious, it was just circumstance. If your DH and family are willing to step up in the day, then go. Make a big deal of a day out with her later. Nails, high tea and just some time for you - have a fab day later on

Idontevencareanymore · 26/09/2017 11:16

Have you asked your dd? It's her day and surely what's important to her also?

Personally I couldn't. But I hold birthdays dear whoever they are.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 26/09/2017 11:23

Would you consider not going because of her birthday? How long would you be gone for? Would this opportunity, in this location, come up again or is it a one off?
I would talk to my daughter and explain this opportunity has come up. It will give you an indication of how much it might bother her. She might be sad that you will miss her birthday but be ok to do something fab the first weekend you are back (do pick something worthy though) or she might be absolutely devastated.
It will give you an indication, in any case. If you decide to go and she is inconsolable you won't be doing any irreparable damage, so don't worry. I do like to involve my daughter in things that concern her though, so that would be my approach (doesn't mean she gets to decide).

MrsOverTheRoad · 26/09/2017 11:25

Idon'tcare it would not be right or fair to ask a 6 year old for her opinion because at 6, she would naturally prefer her Mother there at her birthday celebration but if OP asks her, she may sense that her Mother wants to work instead.

Which puts her, at 6, in a tricky position.

OP....I wouldn't go myself but it's up to you. If you can do it and not feel guilty then fair play to you. Go for it.

Original poster
PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 11:29

I would go in an instant if it wasn't for the birthday, especially as I had just recently told dd we'd have a special day together. Dd is really excited about birthdays at present- they mean a lot to her

I'm finding the decision really really hard

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 11:30

If I did go I would take 2 -3 days of leave when I get back for some good one on one time

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 26/09/2017 11:33

I would be really fucked off if DH did this so I wouldn't do it myself. But I am probably bitter....

KityGlitr · 26/09/2017 11:35

I think asking the six year old for her opinion would be tricky, if you're gonna go either way. She doesn't need the responsibility of feeling like it's her decision. Just tell her it's happening and you're sorry to miss he day but will make it up to her when you get back. If you make it out to be a massive tragedy she'll respond like it is. It's not a huge deal, work and providing for family comes first imo, few dads would consider missing a work trip cos it falls on a child's birthday!

Lavabravacava · 26/09/2017 11:35

I'd go. A poster above listed some lovely things to do.
I would be heartbroken, but mama's got to work and it's an easier childhood if you're not worried about paying bills.

Mayhemmumma · 26/09/2017 11:36

I wouldn't, my DD is almost 6, we've got nice plans we're looking forward to. I could pretend it was on another day but I'd feel a bit rubbish. And i'd be hurt if DH went so I couldn't on that basis.

geekone · 26/09/2017 11:42

I think you need to go but you need to manage her expectations really well. The getting two birthdays would win over my DS (7) but he gives me the guilt trip if I go away with work (in sales so often lol). My DH has had to work 3 of 7 DS birthdays no one bats an eyelid at that. Your future is important too, your DD will remember that year she had two birthdays so bonus 😘

ASmallBlueberry · 26/09/2017 11:50

I wouldn't.

The excitement and special fuss for their birthdays only has a short window really, it's different when they are older. For me, these special times with DD are the memories I'll hold dear for the rest of my life.

You can travel to that destination another time and there will be other work opportunities, but she won't have another 6th birthday.

If you were at risk of losing your job over it, that might be different but it doesn't sound as if that's the case.

AngeloMysterioso · 26/09/2017 11:59

I'd go. As a kid I'd have been happy for any excuse to extend my birthday, and it's not like she's going to remember it for years to come

whoevencares · 26/09/2017 11:59

@PenelopeLane I’ve been in this exact situation before as I used to travel often with work.
It wasn’t easy but I went on the trip.
We had a nice family meal before I went, FaceTimed numerous times on the Birthday day and then had a special day when I got home. My daughter wasn’t too happy at first but admits {a bit to my dismay} that she had such a fun day on her birthday with her friends that she didn’t even really notice I wasn’t there!!!
Your little girl is young, she’s got many more birthdays ahead of her so I would go on the trip. It sounds like a great opportunity for you which will, as others have said, hopefully benefit your family in the long run.
x

namechangefordummies · 26/09/2017 12:05

Dont be silly - GO. The people saying they wouldn't clearly have no ambition or desire to do anything interesting in life.

Your DD is only 6 - she wont be traumatised by this in the long term. In fact, she'll get two birthdays this way! Make sure you skype her on her actual birthday and tell her how much youre looking forward to X activity with her when you're back to celebrate.

You'll regret things like this later in life if you don't do them...

Sugarcoma · 26/09/2017 12:05

I hate to say it but just being honest, I still remember when my mum missed my 10th birthday (and in fairness it was to visit her sick father in another country). So to say she won't remember probably isn't true.

My DH and I take birthdays v seriously so it sort of depends on your household but I don't think I would (although I can totally appreciate how difficult a decision it must be for you).