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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss DDs birthday?

112 replies

PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 10:23

Would you do this?

I've had an excellent last minute opportunity come up at work to travel abroad for a week to somewhere I have long wanted to go. It would be good for my career as well.

But - I would miss DD's 6th birthday, as well as her party. I had planned a special day with just me and her which I had already told her about (it's next week) and the party cannot be changed either. I've traveled before but with more notice.

The grandparents/DH have resolved to make it a special day if I go but it's still enough to make me waver in my decision to go.

WIBU to miss the birthday?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 26/09/2017 16:28

Oh and for the posters saying she won't remember- I still remember my dad missing 3 of my birthdays between 6 and 12, purely because he wasn't there, I couldn't tell you much about the ones he was there for, but definitely the ones he wasn't
I'm the same. I could tell you about the Xmas play that my mum didn't up for when I was c6 - I remember that so clearly. All the things my father didn't turn up for. It's easier to remember the negatives because they hurt more. You've made plans with DD, stick to them.

ladyschwaggins · 26/09/2017 16:31

Def go! Party before and later. FaceTime on the day.

You'll be doing it for her in the long run

Dairymilkmuncher · 26/09/2017 16:37

No one knows on here how your daughter is actually going to react? I would just go, she's not getting put in a kennel she's going to have a lovely time with her family.

My eldest is seven and for the last four birthdays his DF has been working abroad over his birthday. We always make the party when we can all be there and he gets his birthday presents plus something amazing from the states that you wouldn't be able to buy here. It's a win/win for our son, he isn't one of these annoying people that think the world has to stop because it's his birthday. He gets it from me, because of when my birthday falls we always have my MIL up and stay in and watch the tv she likes and eat the cake she likes Cake

Original poster
PenelopeLane · 27/09/2017 02:34

Thanks for the advice! I decided not to go in the end after testing it subtlety with dd and watching her face fall. It's a decision that has settled well. I would have gone with more notice (it was next week) as if I'd had more notice I wouldn't have already made promises to dd about what we would do

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 27/09/2017 02:42

Glad you're not going :)

troodiedoo · 27/09/2017 03:04

Also glad you're not going, you made the right decision.

Original poster
PenelopeLane · 27/09/2017 03:46

She said 'if you're not with me on my birthday how will you know what happens?' Really sadly.

Aw. Also dh is not a very birthday person so I didn't quite trust him to make enough of a fuss (he thinks balloons and presents are wasteful etc)

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/09/2017 04:22

Glad you have made a decision that feels like the right one for you. I honestly don't know what I would have done. Tricky one.

With the extra details (only a week's notice, her little face falling, DH's non-birthdayness) it definitely sounds like the right thing.

My mum missed my 5th birthday I think but that was she had to attend her mum's funeral which of course is different.

CamperVamp · 27/09/2017 04:49

Oh, god, I remember that special excitement of 'this is the actual day' of birthdays and Christmas when you were a kid, and you got excited months in advance...

I am a ft wohm and have been, in a 'sought after' career, all my kids' lives. No way would I have gone in this trip had I made the promises etc. No way!

Good call, OP!

strawberrisc · 27/09/2017 04:51

(Puts on suit of armour and sturdy helmet).

Out of interest - this has been such a split opinion of responses I'd be really interested to know what the working vs SAHM response rate was.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 27/09/2017 04:51

Depends how close you are to your DD. For my DD her little world would implode if I wasn't there on her birthday but then her Dad isn't on the scene so we're v close.

BusyBeez99 · 27/09/2017 04:59

You made the right call. I wouldn't have gone. I remember every missed birthday and disappointment from that age.

(WOH mother here)

Original poster
PenelopeLane · 27/09/2017 05:02

Strawb I wondered the same!

OP posts:
CamperVamp · 27/09/2017 05:04

Strawberrisc: that's why I made a point of declaring my working mother condition.

As a f/t wohm I think it is important to be able to stick to prioritised and promised parenting moments, and keep an arrangement over a birthday with the same commitment I would make over a professional engagement.

I have travelled for work, have great opportunities, but a promise on a child's birthday is equally important.

itsstillgood · 27/09/2017 05:21

If the party and day out had not been arranged then I would say go, I don't believe you have to celebrate birthdays on the day. But as they have you don't cancel plans on a 6yo unless you really have no choice. This work trip sounds like you do have a choice though, not ideal to miss but work opportunities may well come round again, 6th birthdays won't.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 27/09/2017 05:23

Good call Op!

In the interest of you survey...single parent and working Mum here!

itsstillgood · 27/09/2017 05:26

Ahh sorry just saw your update. Good call, hope you enjoy the day out.

OuaisMaisBon · 27/09/2017 05:38

Before I read your update, OP, I was going to suggest you go, and have a second birthday celebration, telling your daughter she would be just like the Queen, with two birthdays! Double the fun!
I'm interested, reading your post, about how it looks as if the "working mother's guilt" has kicked in - I'm willing to bet that had it been your husband in the same position, he'd have gone off to improve his career prospects without a backward glance! Or maybe I'm too cynical, having suffered all my married life with a workaholic husband, who has always regularly travelled for work at a couple of hours' notice! Although, now I think about it, he was probably always there for our daughter's birthday party, if not on the actual birthday - thanks to him, we have a long tradition of celebrating birthdays several times, not just on the actual day! Any excuse for Cake is our motto!

Needalifeoverhaul · 27/09/2017 05:47

I think you're a lovely, caring mum OP Flowers I was one who thought you should go initially but can understand totally your decision based on dd reaction.
Incidently, was a working mum with my first but now a SAHM until my ds starts school.

Gorgosparta · 27/09/2017 05:52

I am working mum. Work full time and am quite senior in my field.

I dont think that really has anything to do with it. I wouldnt have gone. Because of the notice. Your dds birthday was planned, she was excited and you had spoken to her about what a special day you would all have.

My career means a lot to me and so progressing into being a director, which is my next step up. But in this situation my child would come first.

I wouldnt judge someone who made a different choice though.

Wonders71 · 27/09/2017 05:53

Nope not a chance I would miss my daughter's birthday! I may lack ambition and drive but i don't care! Put yourself in your daughters position.

Gorgosparta · 27/09/2017 05:53

And i know my dh would not have gone either.

rwalker · 27/09/2017 06:12

GO children should be brought up with a good work ethic .Just tell her you have to work do something special when you get back .Print out a kind of voucher with what you are going to do and when and put it in her birthday card to open on the day .This is the problem nowadays when people think things like birthdays are more important than going to work. No wonder we have a benefit culture .

whiteroseredrose · 27/09/2017 06:19

I still feel crap about having missed DS's first birthday even though he knew nothing about it. There wasn't an option not to go as far as work was concerned as it was training for a new product launch and was over 3 days. The bloody product wasn't launched in the end!

Made me realise about priorities.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/09/2017 06:21

I was coming on to say that i wouldn't have gone (working mum) - but - it wasn't necessarily the right decision. Just that I am perhaps disproportionately racked with motherly guilt. 🙄

DH missed one of DS's birthdays and I know DS was disappointed. But I am the one that does all the organising, thinking and planning and so for me to miss one would be a bigger deal.

I think you've weighed things up and made the right decision for you and your family.

Just as there will be other birthdays to celebrate, so will there by other work / travel opportunities.