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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss DDs birthday?

112 replies

PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 10:23

Would you do this?

I've had an excellent last minute opportunity come up at work to travel abroad for a week to somewhere I have long wanted to go. It would be good for my career as well.

But - I would miss DD's 6th birthday, as well as her party. I had planned a special day with just me and her which I had already told her about (it's next week) and the party cannot be changed either. I've traveled before but with more notice.

The grandparents/DH have resolved to make it a special day if I go but it's still enough to make me waver in my decision to go.

WIBU to miss the birthday?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 27/09/2017 06:26

I worked with the most devoted careerist super charged talented ambitious woman ever. In our job we were sent abroad with short notice. She was told to go overseas for a deal meaning missing her 6 year old dds birthday. She refused. Her immediate superior was furious with her. She went to the senior partner of the massive firm who was horrified at the superior - and said of course she couldn't miss the birthday they would have to work round it.

christinarossetti · 27/09/2017 06:33

I think it's the notice that makes the difference tbh.

I knew that I was going to be away the morning of ds's 6th birthday, and arrive home late that evening.

We built this into the planning and talking about it and it was fine, esp as it was a school day

It would have been very different to change plans a week before, for all of us, I think

Enjoy her day OP. Other opportunities will come up

Brokenbiscuit · 27/09/2017 06:40

I'm certainly not lacking in ambition, and my career is very important to me - not least because I'm the main breadwinner in our family. However, I wouldn't do this unless I really had no choice. I still remember my mum missing one of my birthdays when I was a kid (for family reasons, not work) and it was miserable. My dad and my mum's friends bent over backwards to ensure that I had a good time and that the party went smoothly, but I just wanted my mum to be there.

This situation actually arose for me when dd was younger, and I had to attend an event overseas the day before her birthday. I wouldn't have been able to get back until late in the day on her birthday, and I really didn't want to miss it. In the end, we arranged it so that DH and DD came with me, and we celebrated her birthday overseas with a party for her friends after we got back. Easier to do though as dd was only three at the time and the party hadn't already been scheduled.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/09/2017 06:42

I think mums are generally fairly dispensable, except when it really matters.

I do think many posters were effectively giving the OP permission to go by saying it was fine - and that is very lovely and supportive, which is what this place should be about. Flowers

Expat38matt · 27/09/2017 06:49

I recently went to my best friends wedding on my dds bday- I was missing the overseas wedding and had one opportunity to attend the legal wedding but it was her bday
She was fine as she was totally spoiled by her dad and grandparents and aunts so doubt she'll remember I wasn't there on the actual day
We'd already had a party with friends the week before
Sometimes you have to do something for yourself

QueenoftheBean · 27/09/2017 07:10

Let's not turn this into WOHM-v-SAHM debate. No way would DH miss DD's birthday for work.

StrawberryMummy90 · 27/09/2017 07:32

Dont be silly - GO. The people saying they wouldn't clearly have no ambition or desire to do anything interesting in life.

namechange what a load of bollocks. Did it ever cross your small little mind that those saying they wouldn't go may just care about their child's happiness and not want to disappoint them by putting work first?

CamperVamp · 27/09/2017 07:50

"This is the problem nowadays when people think things like birthdays are more important than going to work. No wonder we have a benefit culture ."

Don't be ridiculous! There is a long line on the spectrum between choosing benefits over work and choosing an optional work gig , at short notice, at the weekend (since a party is part of it) when you had already made other commitments.

This is the thing: a commitment had been made. The trip has been sprung in the OP. It covers non-working week time. Work culture also needs looking at. I would never criticise my staff for not going on this trip: I get better loyalty and commitment by engendering mutual respect.

raglansleeve · 27/09/2017 07:56

Lord I must be a hard hearted bitch - I would go and think nothing of it. She'll have her Dad and grandparents making a fuss of her, you can speak to her on her birthday and she'll have her party too. I certainly wouldn't be jeopardising work advancement for a 6 year olds birthday.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/09/2017 08:12

If the OP's worth her salt, the odd refusal won't 'jeopardise work advancement'.

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 27/09/2017 08:19

I would totally go. I have done the same and my children have all had second birthdays, in fact one still talks about the year she got 2 birthdays. I cannot see how she could possibly be bothered if she gets another amazing day with you.

Ohyesiam · 27/09/2017 08:29

Special days can happen any day, and then she'd have two celebrations.

YeahButNo · 27/09/2017 08:30

I don't remember my parents missing any of my birthdays because my birthdays were rarely celebrated anyway. I would totally go. There are 364 other days in a year that you can have an amazing time with her. I think people make too much fuss over kids' birthdays and Christmases.

Original poster
PenelopeLane · 27/09/2017 08:32

I think Mummy guilt did play a part in my decision, although as someone said up thread, it is also that I am the one that carries the burden of planning for birthdays and I didn't 100% trust it would get done.

Which, is a different issue I suppose ...

I would have gone if I had more notice but I couldn't break a promise with a week to go until the birthday.

I worked for her bday last year (although saw her of course before and after) but didn't mind as that had always been the plan so nothing was expected.

Also - to address other posts - I am a very ambitious career woman Grin I just have found one of my bottom lines I suppose

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 27/09/2017 08:32

You could try rearranging the special birthday day and sell it to her getting extra birthday days and treat it like it is her birthday the whole day. If you were a dad, I suspect no one would tell you no to go to the work thing.

ZoeWashburne · 27/09/2017 08:34

Go! My mum missed my 5th birthday because she was a journalist covering a major historical world event. I was upset at the time, but as I got older I LOVED that she was there, doing so well at her job.

Birthdays at that age are your world, but role models last a lifetime! I can't even really remember what I did for my birthdays under 10. Same party that everyone went to, every weekend, it all blends together. Sure I felt special and my birthdays were great, but you just get in the routine of clowns, cake, balloons etc.

But I will always remember getting a call from my mother whilst she was abroad as she was describing this once in a lifetime event to me and why it was important. It always stuck with me and has made me so driven to be successful.

That was the best birthday present!

Original poster
PenelopeLane · 27/09/2017 08:34

If the OP's worth her salt, the odd refusal won't 'jeopardise work advancement'.

I hope so!!

OP posts:
KC225 · 27/09/2017 08:34

I wouldn't. In 10 yeats time. You will not remember what this trip was bit she will remember you choosing work over her birthday and party. I speak from experience of the child. Opportunities present themselves all the time, A 6the birthday doesn't

rightsofwomen · 27/09/2017 08:37

I went to a conference at the end of March and missed both my boys' Birthdays (including my son's 18th). It happens. BUT I had plenty of notice and we planned later celebrations.

I would not have gone with just a weeks notice and if you not going effects your career in a detrimental way then I wouldn't be happy working for them.

Crumbs1 · 27/09/2017 08:44

I'd go, I think. Birthdays can be celebrated whenever. I think we tend to overstate their importance nowadays anyway. Bring her a nice present back and remember to call her on the day. My husband has missed birthdays and they've coped.

OliviaStabler · 27/09/2017 08:45

I would have gone without a second thought!

crrrzy · 27/09/2017 08:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Dutch1e · 27/09/2017 08:55

we arranged it so that DH and DD came with me, and we celebrated her birthday overseas with a party for her friends after we got back

This was the first thing that popped into my head as a possible solution.

OP I'm glad you feel at peace about your decision. That's all we can really hope for as parents

SendintheArdwolves · 27/09/2017 09:00

I agree that generally a father missing a child's birthday because of work is regarded as far more acceptable than a mother doing it. Both childcare and emotional/family labour seems to fall disproportionately onto women, and this is something that we should challenge and rectify.

HOWEVER the best way to fix this is not to:

Be a child's main carer
Take on the majority of planning/emotional support/day to day parenting
Plan a birthday surprise with said child
Suddenly announce you're going to miss the surprise because "men are allowed to act like this all the time".

If you want a more equable split of childcare/emotional labour/planning for special occasions/being close to your kids, then that is GREAT and definitely to be applauded. But you have to do this consistently and across the board, not at random times. Because the outcome of that will NOT be "a redressing of gender imbalance" but "a hurt and baffled child".

WhyteKnyght · 27/09/2017 09:47

Good decision.

It would have been different if this opportunity had come up before you had planned the birthday. Birthdays can be transferable to the nearest weekend or similar. But a pre-planned "birthday day" that can't be moved, for a 6-year-old who is hugely excited about her birthday, when you have already promised her that you will be there? No.