Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss DDs birthday?

112 replies

PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 10:23

Would you do this?

I've had an excellent last minute opportunity come up at work to travel abroad for a week to somewhere I have long wanted to go. It would be good for my career as well.

But - I would miss DD's 6th birthday, as well as her party. I had planned a special day with just me and her which I had already told her about (it's next week) and the party cannot be changed either. I've traveled before but with more notice.

The grandparents/DH have resolved to make it a special day if I go but it's still enough to make me waver in my decision to go.

WIBU to miss the birthday?

OP posts:
StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 27/09/2017 10:22

I think the issue here is that you have the choice OP of going. Essentially it’s come down to whether this event or your daughters birthday you prefer to attend. If it was obligatory that would be different but it seems to me a little bit like you’re asking us all for permission to go away when actually you kinda know you probably shouldn’t. Only you can answer this.

However I also believe you can go away and return and make your dd’s birthday special.

There’s no judgment from me - I’ve been in your place and probably will again but for me personally I would stay for my dd’s birthday where I have that choice. In any case I defo wouldn’t ask her opinion cos I wouldn’t first want my child to think I had chosen to go away for her birthday no matter how special I made it after the event and secondly most little children will always want their parents around so I wouldn’t trust any other answer which said no mum it’s fine you go at her age.

Frazzled2207 · 27/09/2017 10:39

Pleased it's sorted. With more notice and being able to work around parties/ days out though I don't think it would be unreasonable to have gone. My son has just turned 4 and as long as he had a lot of fuss I don't think he would have minded what day it was on or who was there, whereas at 6 I imagine it's a bit harder.
Hopefully a similar opportunity will come up at a less awkward time.

scottishdiem · 27/09/2017 10:43

I totally would. The only thing you need to ensure is that any "replacement" activity has to be way better than the birthday. To be honest, the pandering to children on their birthdays is a comparatively recent phenomenon and generations of children have not resented parents not being their on their birthday. Many people resent that their parents didnt care but you do and you want her to remember it.

Basically try your hardest to ensure that she asks if you are going away again next birthday as she enjoyed her time with you after so much.

Mayhemmumma · 27/09/2017 11:05

I think that's sensible OP you'll be pleased you stayed I'm sure. Ultimately you can only go with your gut feeling. But nothing to stop you making plans for future trip!

MyDcAreMarvel · 27/09/2017 11:09

Your op reads like 80% I want to travel to that country and 20% it may be good for my career.
No way would I go , six is a crucial age for birthdays.

LuchiMangsho · 27/09/2017 11:11

I would have gone. And had a chat with my child beforehand and explained it. I have scaled down my career somewhat for both boys and spend loads of time with them, so I would have gone. As would DH who is also an extremely hands on father.
As it happens I missed Christmas last year because I was in hospital (not the same I know). It still brings tears to my eyes. DS...not so much!
But I would have trusted DH to have made an enormous fuss of DS1 (who will be 6 soon), and DS1 would also know that he and I would do something properly special when I came back. But he's also an independent little soul and while I don't travel much for work, when I do he's always excited about it, and asks for all kinds of details etc.

KERALA1 · 27/09/2017 13:13

I don't think choosing not to miss a child's 6th birthday, on short notice, after you have discussed and planned with them that you will be there, to go on a non crucial work trip is "pandering" to a child Hmm

Do you remember being 6 scottishdiem?

usernameavailable · 27/09/2017 13:17

Its my DDs bday on Sunday. She will be 10. She will be waking up at her dads. Honestly, the thought of it is already killing me. Even though she will be home for 11. I doubt I could go on a work trip. Whether work need me to go or would prefer me to go. Or if it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. My dd would be devastated if she never got to see me on her day. A day that is not just a celebration for her, but a celebration for me. The day I became a mummy to devote my life to her. So im going to say no.
However, i believe you know your child and what she would be ok with. I also believe from above comments and your op that you have made your mind up already. I feel you are looking for reassurance. If you go. It would not make u a bad person. Your DD would not resent you for it. She may even be proud when she looks back and think u chose a really hard option to further your career in turn creates a better life for her. I would just make a big fuss of her before and after u go.

usernameavailable · 27/09/2017 13:20

Just realised decision has already been made. I honestly believe u made the right decision

HelpfulHermione · 28/09/2017 08:54

Glad to her you're going to be there OP. Hope your DD has a lovely day.

To answer @strawberrisc post up thread - my response was an adamant "I wouldn't go" and I work ft. However, I run my own business from home purely so I can dictate my own hours. So maybe it's a different decision for someone like me.

I have never worked on my own birthday. Neither had my DH. When employed we would always take a days leave and now we juts down tools and go out somewhere. It kills me to have to send my DCs to school on theirs! I think some families are just much more into birthdays than others.

Butterymuffin · 28/09/2017 09:08

Good call. As you said, if there had been more notice and you'd been able to arrange the party and special day around the trip, it would have been different. But you were effectively asked to say to your 6 yo 'I'm ducking out on you and reneging on plans so that I can go on a trip abroad' and I can totally see why you didn't want to be that person. I do a reasonable amount of travelling for work, as does DH, and DS has got used to that. But we would both avoid that to make sure we were there on big days. If you are otherwise good at and committed to your job, you can manage occasions where your kids come first (provided your boss isn't an utter dick, of course).

KERALA1 · 28/09/2017 10:23

Don't think its always "wrong" to be away for child's birthday if managed, well, unavoidable etc.

But with these circumstances personally think good call OP.

Maybe I am the only saddo that really remembers my 6th birthday Grin. For my fourth birthday both parents were on an overseas work trip for 2 weeks leaving me and 2 year old sister. My mother still cries at the mention of the country they were in 36 years later!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread