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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss DDs birthday?

112 replies

PenelopeLane · 26/09/2017 10:23

Would you do this?

I've had an excellent last minute opportunity come up at work to travel abroad for a week to somewhere I have long wanted to go. It would be good for my career as well.

But - I would miss DD's 6th birthday, as well as her party. I had planned a special day with just me and her which I had already told her about (it's next week) and the party cannot be changed either. I've traveled before but with more notice.

The grandparents/DH have resolved to make it a special day if I go but it's still enough to make me waver in my decision to go.

WIBU to miss the birthday?

OP posts:
hannah1992 · 26/09/2017 12:09

My dh works away Monday to Friday most of the year and so far he has only seen our dd1 on her birthday and missed dd2 first birthday last year however it's work and if he doesn't work then there's no money (self employed). We just made the weekend before or after special. He got each of them a gift just from him which they were aloud the weekend before he went. My eldest thinks this is amazing because she has "2 birthdays". Also my eldest has had partied for the passed 3 years and I don't think she even realised I was there for any of them! Go and make it special either before you go or when you come back

carefreeeee · 26/09/2017 12:20

Tricky one. Don't ask her though just say you have to go if that's what you decide. I think it would depend on how she is likely to feel - if she can have a great time without you no problem, if you are the favourite parent and need to be there for her to enjoy it, I perhaps wouldn't go. Also is she used to you going away for a week? That in itself might be difficult for her to deal with unless you've done it before

IndianaMoleWoman · 26/09/2017 12:27

I wouldn't go. Birthdays are such a big deal at that age. There's been lots of talk on here about being a good role model who goes to work, but I think the message that work comes before family is an unhealthy one.

If you do decide to go, make it clear that you don't have a choice and couldn't say no. If I'd have known that my parent had the option not to miss my birthday but chose to anyway, I would be very upset.

KERALA1 · 26/09/2017 12:27

I wouldn't because it's 6.

Younger they don't have a clue would go if under 4. Older they understand more, work role model blah blah. But 6. Nah.

WeddingFever · 26/09/2017 12:30

Go!

No one would bat an eyelid if it were daddy going - just make sure you bring an extra special pressie back

AmyGardner · 26/09/2017 12:32

I've been in this situation, and went but came back a day earlier than I would have preferred, so that I was there in the morning when she woke up on her birthday. I couldn't miss her birthday.

At 1, she'd know no difference. At 6? No way.

HelpfulHermione · 26/09/2017 12:35

Personally, I would move heaven and earth to not miss my child's birthday. Because I know it would make them sad both on the day and it would remain a lasting sad memory (they always remember the bad stuff!) but also because nothing in the world would give me enough pleasure to make the guilt worth while.

But that's me.

You need to make your own decision. All I would say is make the decision that will be easier for you to live with.

Cath2907 · 26/09/2017 12:36

I would, I travel for work plenty and LO is used to it. It would cost me big in an extra present and a special mummy/daughter day but she'd understand. Hubby would manage fine. It would be inconvenient that is all.

Cath2907 · 26/09/2017 12:38

Isn't she in school? My LO is normally in school on her birthday these days. We tend to do parties on the weekend so not on her actual birthday anyway. so she'd miss me being there for morning pressies and after school tea. I could phone. Mine wouldn't be upset.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/09/2017 12:48

it's not like she's going to remember it for years to come

I dunno. I still remember my mum missing my seventh birthday. I spent it with the parents of a school friend of mine. It was pretty miserable, and I got pretty severely guilt-tripped to say that it was fine and I didn't mind. But then, my dad being there wasn't an option, so perhaps if he had been around it wouldn't have been so bad.

I think you have to be honest about what the variables are:

How much is this GENUINELY for work, and how much of it is because this is a place you've always wanted to go?

Honestly, what will you regret missing more? Your daughter's sixth birthday, or the opportunity to visit this place? You don't have to tell us, but you do have to be straightforward with yourself.

Muddlingalongalone · 26/09/2017 12:56

Personally I wouldn't go unless I actually had to and my job was dependent on it. Birthdays are important to children & whilst you can have a pretend birthday on another day with activities etc it's not the same for me and I know dd would be devastated.
I work full-time so dd goes to breakfast & After-school clubs everyday and that is normal for her but on her birthday I give her the choice and make myself available and inevitably she wants me to pick her up like the other parents from classroom at 3:30.

But it totally depends on the opportunity and on your family and on your dd.

Rachie1973 · 26/09/2017 12:57

She's 6! She won't remember after her 7th, 8th and 12th and 21st birthdays!

She'll have a great party, and a great time with you when you get back.

Go, enjoy x

Nikephorus · 26/09/2017 13:02

You'll be a great role model for your girl, seeing her mum putting herself out there for work and having a career
Or maybe she'll see it as her mother putting herself first just because it was something she wanted and to hell with anyone else....
I wouldn't go - you can make other chances to go there, you can't make other 6th birthdays. It's different when they get older - it's more about friends then than parents - but at 6 your mum matters.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/09/2017 13:04

She's 6! She won't remember after her 7th, 8th and 12th and 21st birthdays!

I think people are going "Hmm.....I can't remember anything particular about MY sixth birthday, therefore I assume it's just one of those things everyone forgets and that don't really matter". (If you really think that kids just "forget" everything, then I wonder why you bother ever doing anything with them - even sending them to school - since apparently their minds get conveniently wiped, but hey).

I can't give you many details about my sixth birthday, or my eight birthday, but I do remember my seventh birthday. Because that was the one my mum went on holiday for.

The details of a happy, run-of-the-mill birthday probably do fade. A sad one where you missed your mum might not.

sundayfeeling · 26/09/2017 13:05

Go! your DD definitely won't be damaged by it and can have 2 birthdays

Needalifeoverhaul · 26/09/2017 13:07

Yes..GO!! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for you and I always regret not going otherwise. DD can have a lovely day on her birthday with her father and grandparents...then just like the Queen she is special enough to have a second birthday this year (when you're home!).

othermummy · 26/09/2017 13:12

I wouldn't, especially because you've already told her what your doing, at 6 birthdays are still super exciting

KalaLaka · 26/09/2017 13:13

I don't think you should go. She won't have her 6th birthday again, whereas you can save and go on the trip in the future.

othermummy · 26/09/2017 13:15

Oh and for the posters saying she won't remember- I still remember my dad missing 3 of my birthdays between 6 and 12, purely because he wasn't there, I couldn't tell you much about the ones he was there for, but definitely the ones he wasn't

Sunnydaysrock · 26/09/2017 13:18

Go. It sounds like she will be well looked after. You're going to do something special with her. But get your head round it and be ok with going. No point if you're going to be really guilt ridden while you should be enjoying what sounds like a great opportunity. It's really not that bad. If your DD is with family and has a great day I'm sure she'll be fine. And we do make a big deal of birthdays here. DH has missed a couple because of work commitments. It really wasn't a big deal.

Wishingandwaiting · 26/09/2017 13:22

If actually good for career, I would go for it

If somewhere you have always fancied going, then not a chance would I go

AppleTrayBake · 26/09/2017 13:26

I think to arrange a special day out, tell your 5yo all about it and then drop out for anything that can be helped is quite poor.

I couldn't bear to let my DD down like that.

Brakebackcyclebot · 26/09/2017 13:28

I would communicate with my daughter. I would go on the trip, explain why it is important, FaceTime on her birthday and do the special thing another day. If you communicate clearly so your daughter knows 100% that you love her, and you'll be missing her etc, I can't see the problem.

katienana · 26/09/2017 13:30

I wouldn't. Being with my kids and making their birthdays special is really important to me. If your dh had promised you a special treat for your birthday and then cancelled for a similar work op would you think it fair?

SendintheArdwolves · 26/09/2017 13:35

I would communicate with my daughter. I would go on the trip, explain why it is important

That might be a good test of whether to go or not. Picture yourself sitting down with your daughter and HONESTLY telling her why you are missing her birthday.

If it is "there is a very important work opportunity I have to go on. I'm very sad that I'll miss your birthday, but I hope that this will enable me to get a promotion at work/move into a new role/make a very important deal that will benefit the whole family" then cool.

If it's "I have always wanted to go to this place because it's so great. I'm going without you and your father because otherwise I couldn't afford it. I thought about not going so I could go on the special day we planned together, but when it came down to it, and even though I knew you'd be sad, I would still rather go off to this holiday" then maybe not so much.