Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

[teenytinypontypine]

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

[Learntoflyagain]

Gosh, Taylor. You pity my children because I use the word cunt and have been sexually abused.

Well, that's ok.

[Getout21]

learn I think your have more pressing problems than bf issues...

[Tessliketrees]

Taylor22

She needs help for anonymously calling somebody a cunt on the internet?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

YWNBU and it's a shame your friend couldn't put her feelings of inadequacy aside enough to accept that the other women around the table deserved factual information about it all.

Society does make women feel bad about not breastfeeding, even though so many don't and don't really want to, there is still this performance that many mums feel obliged to go through to "prove" that they really would have, but just couldn't. And it leaves us with totally screwed up expectations about what the process is really like and how to really make it work.

I tried to breastfeed my twins but ended up pumping for 6 months with just the odd top up of formula before weaning off the breast milk altogether by 9 months. In hindsight, I expected far too much from myself and didn't do enough on-demand feeding or lounging around in bed with them stuck to my breasts. But at the time I didn't actually see how that would work because I had expectations about how much they should be drinking at particular points in the day that just weren't right, and no confidence because I wasn't feeding properly at the hospital and felt like they needed formula right from the start. That led to me feeding them bottled breastmilk which they seemed, at the time, more able to drink than they managed from my breasts and set up an exhausting pumping schedule that ended up being far more work than direct breastfeeding would have. I could have done with someone telling to just stick with it for longer.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

There is a way of giving out information

Not giving birth naturally and then not b/f for what ever reason maybe you don't realise how often women are told ah but you could or should have tried harder or I'm sure it would have been ok if you pushed yourself

I have been told numerous times on here if you let your milk come in all would have you would have produced enough milk, ec doesn't impact your body at all and so on

[Taylor22]

Tess. Have you seen what she has posted. That level of anger is not normal. I seriously think of this thread has triggered you this much then yes absolutely you should speak to someone.

[Learntoflyagain]

Hi taylor, I'm right here no need to speak behind my back..

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Learn I actually found your rants funny and I have lost my shit like that mainly in my head

But the fact that you were abused is Not funny , not at all

Life is too short for internet spats that make you feel shitty

[Taylor22]

I did acknowledge you. Read again.

If this thread triggers you this much then I really would advise you speaking to a professional if you aren't already.

[WashingMatilda]

This thread will probably get pulled now which is a shame as it started with a lot of interesting points and healthy debate, but learning has dragged it through the mud unfortunately.

[Tessliketrees]

That level of anger is not normal

Is it not? What level is that?

For all I know you could be throwing stuff at the wall while typing and Learning could be sipping her coffee while rolling her eyes.

Mumsnet is still the internet you know?

[BertrandRussell]

Let's just put trigger warnings on all baby feeding threads.

[Taylor22]

I'm more than aware of that. I am in fact drinking tea.

Anyone can say anything on the internet. I've become so much more sceptical about what people say since the influx of scammers on here.

I don't believe anything anyone says.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Learning is having a nice meditate and a green tea as we speak

[Tessliketrees]

Let's just put trigger warnings on all baby feeding threads

This is the first feeding thread I have wandered into.

I am genuinely shocked.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Let's just put trigger warnings on all baby feeding threads

[tiredybear]

OP, haven't RTFT as there was lots of abuse and life is too short. You did the right thing. It would be nice to call her as you suggested and check she is ok though.
I always feel so sad about the amount of anger there is around how people feed their baby.
Fed is not best, it is required.
Breast is not best, it is the biological norm.
The problem we have is lack of information and support for new mothers. It's great that there is one more doc who knows what they're talking about.

[Taylor22]

Let's just put trigger warnings on all baby feeding threads

We must. Wouldn't want those snowflakes becoming upset

[ClaraMumsnet]

Peace and love, folks We know this can be an emotive topic but personal attacks aren't on, and we'll remove anything which crosses the line.

[ringle]

"you this much then I really would advise you speaking to a professional if you aren't already."

Why is mumsnet deleting swear words but leaving up stuff like this which is clear bullying?

[BakedBeans47]

I suppose it depends on how you put it. It might be useful for her to know if there’s a next time. She may have been given crap BF advice sadly it happens to lots of women so giving her the info in a supportive way for future reference is helpful, but done in the vein of “you did it all wrong and didn’t try hard enough” (am sure you didn’t!) would have been U.

[MarcelineTheVampire]

OP I haven't RTFT as I there was a lot of aggressive posts...

I didn't know that milk came in later etc. When I was a new mum - the literature that you get doesn't always tell you these things. I don't think you did anything wrong at all - we need to stop spreading misinformation.

[Neverknowing]

@originalusernamefail no but that's not spreading misinformation to other people. I'm pretty sure the op would have stepped in if her friend said that a cream cake is better for you than an apple. Especially if she was saying it to someone who was trying to become healthier. I'm also pretty certain that no one would complain about her correcting her friend in this scenario?
Formula is not poison and I'm pretty sure if there was less stigma about BOTH feeding choices women could just get on with their lives and be honest. I don't think it's the op's friends fault she was spreading misinformation because she probably feels very judged BUT she needed to be corrected.

[oobedobe]

You say you don't judge FF but it comes across clearly in all you posts that you DO judge it and you also view your friend as a bit pathetic for giving up so soon.

I am another whose colostrum/milk was minimal, my DD lost a lot of weight and was nearly admitted for dehydration at 4 days old - despite me putting her on the boob every 1-2 hrs.

I had A LOT of support, from my midwives, breastfeeding clinic etc. I took supplements and medication to increase supply, I pumped for 10 mins after every feed. I supplemented with FF by using a feeding tube attached to my nipple. After 8 (unhappy) weeks I still had bugger-all milk and switched to FF full-time.

So trust me it is a VERY sensitive topic for many women and it would have been nicer not to make your friend feel worse about her choices.

[sizeofalentil]

I think as you are a doctor it's was ok. If you hadn't have said anything, her words would have stood as fact.