Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull my daughter out of tutoring?

252 replies

Chairmancow · 23/09/2017 20:04

Another shitty weekend ruined by trying to get uncooperative Dd (9) to do her homework. She started tutoring for 11 plus 3 weeks ago and we've all had enough already!
She's not able or willing to independently get on with the piles of work she has to complete each week. Consequently we have to stand over her helping her and scolding her when she pisses about. Which Is frequently! We are so frustrated with it all. It's spoiling all our weekends. I've doubts about her ability to work quickly enough to pass it anyway.
Should we quit or keep on?
The comps round here are dire, obviously if they were any good I would never have started all this.
Dh doesn't deal with stress well (mental health problems) and I think we're both feeling under a lot of pressure to not to let her do badly at school.
Advice please!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chairmancow · 24/09/2017 20:05

Arrgg I've just realised my mistake, it's £100 a month not a week!!! I'm embarrassed, sorry I wasn't properly concentrating when I typed that.
No wonder everyone was so shocked, oops.
Eek I hope she hasn't inherited my inability to proof read! Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/09/2017 20:25

£25 for a shared lesson with 7 is still an awful lot!!!!
For GCSE tuition we're paying £20 ph for one to one...

IroningMountain · 24/09/2017 20:35

Loving the way middle class kids will get high GCSEs regardless. I guess middle class kids don't have SEN, life struggles,mental health issues,aren't carers,aren't bereaved,don't come from failed relationships,don't live with addiction in the house,don't go to crap schools.....

The middle classes are a massive group and form the majority. The majority aren't getting high GCSE grades by default.

steppemum · 24/09/2017 20:45

I am an 11+ tutor.
I do 1;1 for one hour per week.
They get about 1 hour homework, which is 4 bits, about 15 minutes each (or less) one of those 4 is learning new vocab.

really and honestly? If she is unable to do the homework because it is too hard, she may not be able to do GS. If she is unable to do it independantly, that is something you can work towards. It is different to doing school work.

If you are in an area where top 23% go to GS, then you should be able to pass with much less intensive tuition than you are doing. Is she is top set for maths and English?

Your tutor sounds overly pressured, after his money. (he is expensive)

steppemum · 24/09/2017 20:46

(that is 1 hour per child per week)
and I charge £25 per hour for 1:1

BertrandRussell · 24/09/2017 20:48

"I guess middle class kids don't have SEN, life struggles,mental health issues,aren't carers,aren't bereaved,don't come from failed relationships,don't live with addiction in the house,don't go to crap schools....."

You did notice that I used words like "most" "supported""told they are clever""taught to jump through hoops".........…;

steppemum · 24/09/2017 20:51

bugger - I can spell really

Graceflorrick · 24/09/2017 20:56

OP, I have a funny feeling you’re in my area! Does it start with G Grin

Moanyoldcow · 24/09/2017 21:07

I'm no expert but I work at an independent prep school and we mostly prep for 13+ but do some 11+ as it's becoming more necessary with senior day schools taking at 11.

Our headmaster stresses to all parents that intensive tutoring does no favours in the long-run. Of course they need some help to get to grips with exam technique and perhaps cover some new areas but what you describe seems way too much pressure.

If they get in but can't keep up without putting in an unreasonable amount of work then you're setting them up for a miserable school life.

underneaththeash · 24/09/2017 21:10

If she's only 9 you don't need to start til next year anyway??

steppemum · 24/09/2017 21:14

underneath - 9 is the beginning of year 5. You work during year 5 for the exam at beginning of year 6

4dogs · 24/09/2017 21:26

I feel so sorry for your dd. It does not sound as though she would enjoy gs even if you got her through the 11+. Don't underestimate comps in deprived areas, you may well find that if teachers find a bright and keen pupil they will put extra effort into helping them bloom academically. This style of tutoring also seems the wrong kind of environment for your dd. She is far too young to be this stressed and unhappy and imo you risk putting her off learning. I'm not anti tutors, but you need the right one with the right goals for your child.

steppemum · 24/09/2017 22:03

Our headmaster stresses to all parents that intensive tutoring does no favours in the long-run. Of course they need some help to get to grips with exam technique and perhaps cover some new areas but what you describe seems way too much pressure.

all the heads say this, it is a little disingenuous in the current tutoring climate.

It is true that a child who has had intensive tuition for several years may well pass the 11+ and then not do well in GS.
But it is also true that good preparation can make the difference between pass and fail.

There are many clever kids who can do stuff in school, but don't have it really confidently at the tips of their fingers for the test. There is a lot of maths for example which they need to be able to remember quickly.

proper 11+ tutoring is about helping them to remember everything they have already been taught quickly and confidently, along with exam technique.

underneaththeash · 25/09/2017 07:51

Oh yes ..sorry - having a moment there (forgot how old my second child is!)

Okay - I'll post something hopefully a bit more helpful, have you shown her round the different schools? She may be more motivated to do the prep if she can see the school options herself.

I tutored DC1 myself, but he was quite motivated. DC2 was given the option this year to start, but he chose not to, but then we can afford for him to stay at his prep school and then go privately. They do need to have a certain amount of motivation to do it.

Alternatively, cut the tutor now and just do bits a pieces yourself with her. Make sure she reads a lot (the children who passed in DC1s year were the children who loved books.) save the money and get a 1:1 over the summer for a few weeks.

steppemum · 25/09/2017 09:44

Just looking bakc at my posts I realise I didn't say that it is totally possible to do it yourself, and it is the first thing I say to parents. you can work through the key books yourself, and then you have it covered.

There is nothing magic about a tutor.

Parents usually chose to continue because either they ahve English as a second langauge and are not confident enough to do it themselves, or they find it too stressfula nd prefer the kids to be directly accountable to another person

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 25/09/2017 09:49

It's not just being accountable either - some children are more willing to listen to their parent's advice whereas others think we have nothing useful to add. This was apparent very early on with one of ours so we outsourced to someone else. It also helps with the routine. The others we could have tutored ourselves.

Roomster101 · 25/09/2017 10:06

I agree that there is nothing magic about tutors and the same effect can be achieved just by children doing a few practice papers. The advantage of outsourcing is that it saves the parent time and it provides routine. My children also much-preferred tutoring in a group which included some friends from school.

BertrandRussell · 25/09/2017 10:35

Tutoring, either by parents or paid tutors is another thing that makes the 11+ so unfair, and skewed towards the middle class/educated/privileged families.

thecatfromjapan · 25/09/2017 10:43

To be fair, Bertrand , tutoring highlights the unfairness of exam-based (or exam-as-endpoint) education, full-stop.

Original poster
Chairmancow · 25/09/2017 10:51

I'm confident with teaching the English at home, and she seems to be pretty good at the NVR. She struggles the most with the maths and the VR. The thing that will let her down overall is her working speed. I'm not sure that the tuition will help much with that. She is bright but takes a little longer to process the information. The test calls for quick processing and getting through all the questions to get maximum marks.
The best plan of attack for her is to read loads, and enjoy it. We'll do some practice on the other stuff too and nearer the time she can do some timed tests. If she's still slow I think we have to be realistic that there's not much point in sitting the test!

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 25/09/2017 11:09

I'm not a huge fan of grammar schools (despite the fact that my children go to one) but I think that in any education system including comprehensive, children with supportive parents in professional jobs are going to do better full stop. That is partly nurture but also probably nature. That may be unfair but I don't think that abolishing grammar schools will prevent the unfairness.

BertrandRussell · 25/09/2017 11:16

"That may be unfair but I don't think that abolishing grammar schools will prevent the unfairness."

Maybe not, but it will remove an instirutional unfairness. And will end a damaging social division-separating a community's children at 10 in this way has to be a bad thing.

cingolimama · 25/09/2017 11:17

OP, I completely understand your frustration at your DC, and your desperate wish to do what's best for your child's education. Good for you. I agree with pp that you should change (if you can) to a 1:1 tutor. There are huge benefits to this focused attention. My DD's confidence and skills in maths shot up massively, when she had someone who was happy to explain concepts again, clearly and patiently (and privately).

And yes, a good tutor will definitely help with speed and time management. For your own sanity and your DD's, you need to take a step back, iykwim. Of course be there to encourage, cajole, help to structure time etc. But it will change the dynamic if DD is seeking to please a tutor she likes and is a bit in awe of - you can once again be her parent and ally in this project, rather than her educational coach.

Good luck.

Lulalu · 25/09/2017 11:22

I also have a 9-year old (year 5) who will be sitting 11 plus in Jan 19. We have no grammar schools in this area of London, but the independent schools are ridiculously competitive (as in taking the top 2-5%). There are very few indie schools for the academically "average" child and a whole industry cashing in on the 11 plus nonsense and hype around the most prestigious London day schools.

Nevertheless, I have gone through 11 plus twice with my elder two. This is what I think you should do fwiw -

  • Is she in the top sets at school for maths and English? Or at least top of the middle? If not, I think you are barking up the wrong tree, to be absolutely honest. The grammar is only the "better" school for those children suited to it.
  • This tutor sounds like a waste of time. What is the point of 1:7 - it's just like school.
Rather than 2 hours a week, plus homework, get someone who you feel your child will like and respond to and have them come to your house, once a week. The right fit is so important. Get biscuits in or whatever you think will work to get your DD to engage. Make it special time in her own home with someone who she can build a relationship with.

Many people think, "got a tutor - job done." But a tutor who is a bad fit for your child will actually be COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to their progress, they really will. They may explain the maths in a slightly different way to the school, for instance. If a child is struggling anyway, this can be overwhelming to the point where they will just become anxious and switch off. Do get your tutor to become familiar with the books used in your DC's school - what maths are they covering this half term, etc. If the tutor can work on sync with the school, it will be so much more worthwhile.

If the tutor comes to your house, you can ask them to go at a pace suitable for your child. If homework is too much, then tell the tutor that.

  • Focus on the areas where she needs most help. If it's maths (as you say), then for now, just do maths. Don't try and do it all at once. You can pick up VR and NVR later - still loads of time. If her English is ok, keep reading to her and encouraging her to read, as you are. Again, you can focus on essay technique and comprehensions later. One step at a time!
  • Get yourself acquainted with the format of the exam papers for the particular school you are going for. Get past papers if you can. Is there a recommended reading list? Is the VR and NVR in the style of Bond Papers? If not, don't waste time ploughing through these for the next year.
  • Don't worry about children from private preps as most of them will probably tend to stay in the private sector anyway and they will be being prepped in a different way that is tailored to the individual senior schools that they "feed" into.

Good luck!

Puppymouse · 25/09/2017 11:31

I was a child of good academic ability (but no more than good and definite struggles with certain subjects) who was tutored and pressured and I can honestly say I would pull her out. Even if she passes, the pressure will only continue and she's finding it hard and refusing to work properly. I really wouldn't. I was utterly miserable and desperate to be left to be a child.