To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

[coldair]

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

I have to say I'm really surprised at the number of people saying it's ok to drink so much during pregnancy. That number of drinks isn't just 4 units, it's actually at least 8 units a week, much more than recommended. It seems to be that if somebody criticises a woman drinking during pregnancy it's nobody else's business, yet the other week so many MN's were having a go at a pregnant woman who dared to have a glass of prosecco at a wedding.

But you only share a circulation for 81/2 months - for all of that time 100% of the alcohol you drink goes through to the fetus who then takes 3x longer to clear it as it accumulates in amniotic fluid. You have the same blood alcohol level as uour fetus.

Physiologically, breastfeeding isn't the same at all. The baby drinks milk which has the same blood alcohol level as maternal blood which is much less than any alcoholic drink. It then gets metabolised further by first pass metabolism before reaching the baby's blood stream (in tiny amounts).

Arguing that there are too many restrictions and you're going to treat all stages of parenting, including pregnancy the same, doesn't seem very logical.

pengwwwn how is pregnancy closer to 10 months its 38 weeks from conception (roughly) and there's 4.3 weeks in a month.

Sorry pengggwn

there's literally no point in having one drink.. if it's the taste she wants buy her some non alcoholic wine that's what I drank over Christmas and new year last year! if I drank my partner would have flat out told me I'm not drinking whilst carrying his child she should respect your wishes as yes she's carrying and creating the child but you both decided to create this life together and will both bring up this life together for many many years! if she's that selfish to not listen and agree to your terms YANBU!!!

It's 38 weeks from conception (unless you go overdue obviously). The doctors add on another 2 weeks to count from the first day of your menstrual cycle. Even if you go 2 weeks over due (e.g. Actually pregnant for 40 weeks) then that's still only 9.3 months

40 weeks pregnancy both of mine were 42 week pregnancies I was definitely pregnant for 10months

Pengggwn No, you wouldn't. But I do, as well as rude! [shrugs]

sunshine are you counting each month as 4 weeks? There's more than 4 weeks in a month.
No one is pregnant for 10 months. At 2 weeks overdue you are 9.3 months pregnant

I knew OP was female. Can't say how, I just did.

Likewise. Weird, eh?

Pengynn - the point where I said "you have the same blood alcohol level as your fetus" should have made it obvious that the 100% I referred to was the alcohol in the maternal blood stream. Which passes through the placenta unfiltered.

I don't think it's tiny. If I'm a bit tipsy after one glass of wine that means that means that if I was pregnant whatever's happening in my brain has an effect on their much tinier, still developing brain. I work with paeds, paeds neurologists and developmental paeds every week. Your "most doctors" cohort must be very different to mine.

Polly "this women's body stuff" jesus christ.
How can you have that attitude?
So when pregnant you did as you were told by your dh yeah?
Women aren't incubators.
Yes it is there body and there is fuck all anyone can do about it thank God.

Easy. Think about the baby's body and developing brain instead.

My exDH never told me what to do, but then he didn't have to.

Men aren't sperm donors either (well, not in proper relationships where a joint decision is made to become parents)

Agree. It is their body. Not disputing that but it's not all about her when she's carrying another human.

Some people on here are idiots. Justifying something so idiotic! NICE guidelines says no alcohol at all. Whatever else people use as an argument is stupid and not based on facts.

buy her some non alcoholic wine

Sunshine, or anyone else, can you recommend a decent non alcho wine? I'm sceptical about them as I've only found one non alcho beer that tastes like actual beer. Red wine would be my preference but also like fizz.

Genuine question.

TheCatsMother99

I like pink wine & at the time I actually just picked up a random non alcoholic Rose 🙈 sorry that's not much help, I also picked up a few shloers (if that's how it's spelled) but can't rememeber what flavour they were 😳

Fre wine is quite nice in white or rose. Red is a bit but it's 0.5% alcohol.

If a pregnant woman is unable to abstain from alcohol for 40 weeks, with even the slightest knowledge of risk to her unborn child, then she has a problem.

It's not just her life she's risking. It's much the same as breastfeeding mothers not drinking. They now have something to test if alcohol is present in your milk before you feed your baby.

I never drank when pregnant. ..I'm not a big drinker anyway, but alcohol is such a large part of some people's being that they are prepared to take the risk. ...just like expectant mothers who smoke.

So many people are spectacularly missing the point here. Maybe because it's so much fun to judge a pregnant woman and brag about how perfect you are in comparison, whilst she should be treated as a criminal and is not deserving of children.

The point is not about the level of drinking per se, which I would not personally condone nor indulge in myself, but about the fact that it's the pregnant woman's body and no one has any rights over it except her. If we are going to jealously guard the rights of women to have agency over their own bodies then that has to extend to the right to make choices we may not agree with. There are many activities a pregnant woman may indulge in that I might find morally reprehensible but really, what's the alternative? Locking women up so they can't engage in risky behaviour? Fining them? Throwing them in jail? Hey why not stick to pregnant women. Any of us before the menopause could technically be pregnant at any time. Why not just treat us all like potential incubators?

Sounds ridiculous? Of course it does. But this demonisation of pregnant women for engaging in less than perfect behaviours is really distasteful and I certainly don't want to live in a society where women's hard won for rights are eroded

Never drank alcohol at any stashed through my pregnancies. My reasons were it's only a short while in the grand scheme of your life so I wasn't going to be selfish and think about my self over the welfare of my unborn child, I mean it's the same as no soft cheese or raw fish etc......

Agreed baked beans.

If it is a deal breaker for the op that her partner is drinking at this level in pregnancy, the options are
a) put up with it - its her body. The op does not get to control her partner's pregnancy and it's not like the op can take it over halfway and finish it perfectly; or
b) say it is a deal breaker and be prepared to walk away and Ltb if she carries on.
c) ask her to have an abortion with the op doing the next pregnancy (in the unlikely event that the relationship survives that scenario).

Whether she should or shouldn't be drinking is irrelevant. She is and has made her choice. The ops only choice is how she deals with it.

Raw fish which has been frozen is absolutely fine. Same as eggs which have been lion stamped. Lettuce is the real problem!