I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

[TheVanguardSix]

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

I've never understood why these parents have children to just get rid if them. My dd only had to stay out over night and I'd be sobbing for her.

There's something called a happy medium.

Call SS? Put your kid up for adoption??
Over-reaction much?

There's something called 'tongue in cheek'!

Jiggly

Of course, I'm lying. When my dd was in her sink estate state school I was kept well aware of everything,
Whereas at her 31k a year school, they tell us nothing and I really haven't a clue what she is doing.
Give me strength

I certainly don't consider myself "an uninformed virtue signaller with a chip on my shoulder." Due to the school I went to I know a fair few people who boarded at secondary age but only this ex who boarded at primary. I'd hate to see what you would say to someone who made an mistake that actually mattered.

Coincidentally my current DP went to boarding school (not in the UK) and loved it (the sporty weirdo). He has suggested boarding for our (future) children but I'm not keen. The difference is he went at his suggestion when he was 16.

orlantino

Exactly, shit parenting if you don't know your child isn't happy, there's no excuse.
Maybe, this is why so many people are harmed emotionally from their time at boarding schools of the past.
I know from hearing dd voice and seeing her every night the moment something isn't right. Just the same as I do when she's at home.

Being involved in your dc's education doesn't mean knowing about it. It should mean doing stuff with them, helping with homework, watching how they are developing. I can't see how boarding school helps with that.

I thought that kids reading about Hogwarts suddenly made boarding school more popular with kids all over the world, or was that a myth?

(misses the point)

Exactly, shit parenting if you don't know your child isn't happy, there's no excuse

Back when I went, we had probably one 3 minute phone call a week. Maybe things are different now with mobile phones and Skype. Kids are still good at putting a front on to reassure their parents.

The smugness from some posters who don't have dc at boarding is astounding.

Do you think you are superior and care more about your children? Because that's how it reads.

orlantina - sorry to hear that you were bullied at boarding school.

Wonder why you couldn't have been moved to a different boarding school if you couldn't go to a day school? (There are so many to choose from and they can't all have been as bad as yours was?!)

But if the problem was not the school (rather that you were not suited to any kind of boarding school), then it was cruel of your parents to have not recognised that fact and to have not taken you out. (They ought to have made changes to their lifestyle in order to accommodate you in a day school. Or else made more efforts to support you where you were.)

I presume it was a while ago that you were at school? Fortunately, a lot of things about boarding have changed for the better.

So I think that (although you personally hated it) you should accept that most kids have a really positive experience these days.

I've heard lots of people anecdotally talking about how they thrived at boarding school, and others how much they hated it. Surely the problem is that at such a young age how can you tell which kids its really going to be difficult for? Even if you could, would you just send the one child in the family who might enjoy it, and not the others?

I listened to a podcast of Marcus Brigstock talking about the problems he had at boarding school, leading to eating disorders, and addictions, whereas his brother did very well at the same school. It was very sad hearing how much he struggled.

Iggi
I can only speak for dd school as I don't know any others, not really our culture.

When she comes home she brings prep, so that's the ocassional weekend, exeat, and holidays.
They have regular reports and test results are on the live stream, so we quite often know before the kids, if they aren't the conscientious type to look
So, at present I know what she needs to work at, where she needs to catch up and I'll see her prep before she goes back to school.
Then half term in a few weeks I'll have more results, a report, and of course any comments from the teachers that she needs to progress.
We get far more than she or any of our other dc got from state school.
I know instantly if she hasn't handed work in, teachers email quite often.
I can't speak for other schools that board though.
Atm, she is practising music then she is doing her Art, which I'll be able to see.
I'm going to help with Maths and English if she needs help.

My husband was sent to the feeder prep for the top Catholic public school at 8. He loved it. But his parents were ghastly - so I'm not really surprised!

@Awwlookatmybabyspider
My dd only had to stay out over night and I'd be sobbing for her.
That’s not quite normal though is it ? Sobbing for your child who has spent one night away is a bit ott

These threads always boil my piss. There are lots of people who went to boarding schools with very positive and happy experiences

There are lots of people who went to boarding schools with very bad experiences
Much like state schools then really isn’t it ?

Modern boarding schools can be an excellent option. My son weekly boards, mainly because it is an excellent school and our local ones are dire. Secondly because it provides him with routine and stability that he needs plus socialising, he is an only child so boarding school is ideal for him.
He goes in Monday mornings and I collect him Friday afternoons. We speak every day and weekends are lovely and relaxed

Lots of kids want to do things at 8, that would be bad for them, or they would hate. Asking at 8 means nothing

I'd call social services. Dreadful behaviour.

Just put the kids up for adoption, it's simpler.

OP there is probably stuff you don't know, and is likely not your business. There is nothing helpful you can do about this situation that doesn't come under being pleasant, helpful and approachable. It is not impossible this is the best available decision, and you can be sure that others will have questioned and judged the parents for it already.

I do know a family where the girl and boy moved from my son's school and chose (asked) to board at their new school at approx age 7 and 8. I don't know why and its really not my business.

I'm sorry, but you can't know that bullying doesn't happen at boarding schools!! I knew that my DM in particular thought they were making that sacrifice to protect me from being bullied, and paying money that they couldn't afford, at least at first. So how could I tell her that actually I was being bullied as much at the private school, and probably more really?

She was actually surprised when I told her recently how bad it was, said, 'I never knew that.' Some of it I did tell her before and she doesn't remember now.

There was very much a 'stiff upper lip' mentality. And what I found was, I lashed out at my bullies and I was the one who was punished. My DM didn't have a clue, any more than she did about other things that were happening; she was just too busy.

It's possibly better than it used to be now because it's easier for children to communicate with parents now. But even so, children can't escape from their bullies and nobody likes a tattle tale in school.

Orlantina

I'm sorry it was so awful for you and I can't begin to understand what it must have been like for you

I do think they have moved on, but I still agree that even now some schools will suit some children and not others.
I know some have left from dd school over the years as the nature of it can be a bit boot campish and very intense. We had to make sure it would be in with a shout of being right for dd emotionally before we even applied.
I do understand they aren't the right place for all children.

DH was sent the day after his 7th birthday . He said it was indeed like a posh version of the care system. He always laughs at parents who try and justify boarding with statements like, "the sports facilities are so wonderful etc". He said the only reason the kids do more sports is because the alternative is you have time to think about why the hell you're there at all. If you stop and think you become too sad.

DH was from a quite wealthy family but he reckons he was probably better off at school in some ways as his father was of the tyrant variety and his mother was / is prone to hysteria quite a lot. He had no relationship with his father (they still called him "sir" as an adult)! His mother now claims she was forced to send her children away and it has destroyed her health. Needless to say, we will not be sending any of our DC.

We are in London and know quite a few people who send their DC at 13 - "for the sports facilities" .

This is what actually happens - the DC fail to get into the prestige ultra- academic London Day Schools like Westminster or St Pauls, so the parents quickly pretend that boarding was always the plan, so they don't lose face. My neighbour's son is perfectly aware that he's going to Tonbridge next year because - shock horror - he failed to get into St Paul's, Kings Wimbledon or Westminster!! The mother will not consider any other slightly less competitive schools because, in her words, "too urban and a bit chav"

IMO, 13 is a horrendous time to navigate peer pressures in any school environment, let alone boarding school. It's when they are discovering who they are and they need a home life more than ever. The fact you can never get away from your peers in a boarding school must be a living hell.

You have to remember that for many children being away at school is far better than being at home and in other families parents have to work hours that are too long to accommodate their children.

The kind of parents who think it's ok to send a child to grow up like this outside of a nuclear family group (and yes that's exactly what it is: seeing your child for 'visits' and 'holidays' simply isn't parenting them or being a family unit with them) is the kind of parent who just won't understand what their child is missing out on in terms of human development, who just won't get what both they and their child lose, permanently.

The kind of parent who has that engagement, that bond, that understanding of the fundamental value of the solidity and bedrock provided by the family home is the parent who would never consider sending a child away.

Threads like this are sad as they highlight how fundamentally some parents aren't really parents - yet they think they are.

Sorry if both parents work too many hours to accommodate children, they really should not have them. After all, if you can afford boarding school, you can afford childcare.
And yes, for some children boarding schools are an alternative to ss care, and probably the best option.

Nearly all my friends went to boarding school and every single one loved their time there. My 9 year old has been asking to go since she was 8 or maybe earlier and as we've moved somewhere where the state high school is rubbish we will think about doing it at 11/12. But only if she still wants to. I'm quite sure most of the people who rant and rave about the evils of boarding school on here have never been. Call social services? Put up for adoption? Seriously? Are you the only ones who really love your children?

I went to boarding school from 8 - 18 . I think I started to really enjoy it age 16. That's a lot of lonely and sad years, but I never really petitioned my parents to leave the school as it was all I knew. I was shocked recently when they were clearing out stuff and showed me my school reports from ages 8, 9 etc. They said all over the reports how much I was enjoying school etc etc. No phone calls were allowed age 8-13 and I think my parents didn't have a clue how unhappy I was. I get on pretty well with my parents now but its kind of a closed subject.

'call social services. Dreadful behaviour '. It was sarcastic the poster has said so upthread.

'Oh, and I always made my parents think I was happy at school because 1. I didn't recognise the constant feeling of unease I had when I was there for what it was - anxiety and 2. They clearly do wanted and needed me to be on there.'

Yes, my cousin admits in hindsight he felt huge pressure to say he was having a great time as he didn't want to worry his parents or get shipped to another boarding school which may have been worse.

'Being involved in your dc's education doesn't mean knowing about it. It should mean doing stuff with them, helping with homework, watching how they are developing. I can't see how boarding school helps with that.'

Exactly, reading reports doesn't give you the same idea. Having dc home on a night, meeting their friends, it's not the 'knowing' what they are doing it's actually seeing them, being around so they feel they can talk to you if they have worries.

I did occasional boarding between the ages of 7-9 when my parents went abroad on business....loved it. Then I did weekly boarding at 10-11.....loved it. Was full boarding at 11 and I loved it all. I appreciate that it's not for everyone....my sister never liked full boarding so did Monday to Thursday nights at a different school. Many people I know went to full boarding schools and only the very small minority have anything bad to say about it - many sending their own kids boarding too. My children will be full boarding by 13 and doing occasional night before that. I can imagine it sounds very odd if you have no experience of it. However, full boarding at 8 is a little different I think.