I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

[TheVanguardSix]

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

Gilly that all sounds great but I know how ds is getting on because I do his homework with him every night, and collect him from school a couple of times a week so can have a quick word with his teacher if I'm concerned about anything. You will never convince me that this isn't better, for most children.

My children are the only ones amongst my cousins to go to state school - we all went to boarding school - the boys from 8 (mainly) and I went at 11. My brother was a day boy at prep school as we were very local but he BEGGED my parents to board from about his third week as he was missing out on stuff and he absolutely loved it and still has good friends from that school. I would have hated to go so young, but was ready at 11, and it was 'normal' amongst our peer group to board at private school. In fact I didn't know/meet any children from state school until i went to university...shock horror.

I loved boarding school and had a great time, and I also have a very strong relationship with my parents and brother, but I went back to school recently for a reunion and was saddened by how many had said they hated it, when I thought it was a happy, nurturing environment. There were lots of forces parents who lived abroad though, so we did spend a lot of weekends at school, and I guess it was harder for those who didn't have families to escape to on exeat weekends.

I think nowadays 8 is too young, but if we'd had the means and the school was right for my children, I woudn't have had an issue for secondary. As it is my children are at amazing state grammar schools where they are getting the education which many of our friends are paying a fortune for, and I get to have them at home - bonus!

ExDP was sent to board full time at prep school at 6. He was a full time boarder until 16. He was the youngest and smallest of the boys when he started and the fact that he's never really spoken willingly about his time at school, coupled with his absolute inability to be a part of a family unit, tells me everything I need to know about boarding school.

DS will not be going.

Rainbow - yes I agree. DH always told people school was "fine" because as a child you don't really have any other experience for comparison. You want to please people so you tell them what you think they want to hear. It's normal to you, so what else can you say?

I can gauge how my kids day has been as soon as they walk through the door. DS is 14 and at a well-known independent day school and some of the things I hear about certain kids there is shocking, it really is. The thought of him living away in a dorm with all that as the main influence in his teen years makes me shudder! Teens are so insecure and they need a break from each other.

I've never heard of a 4 year old being accepted to board.

It happened. And she wasn't the only one. There were two five year olds there already and another four year old arrived a few terms later. This was in 1980.

I could tell you the name of the school but it would make me very recognisable.

I know exactly what is going on with my DS socially and educationally @gillybeanz - because I talk to him every day about it. Fancy that?

Your only school choices were 'sink estate state school' or boarding? Really? I find that very hard to believe.

I was an expat so I know lots of children who boarded. The only ones I know who enjoyed it have shit parents.

I full boarded from 14 and loved it. There were children there aged 9 fully boarding too. One girl was 8 and her mother had died so her father sent her to full board. More little mite.
I think 8 is too young. I know friends who fully boarded from 7 though and loved it.
But I like reading with my children every night, and cuddling on the sofa and doing their spellings. I especially like bed time stories and having a little chat about their day just before they go to sleep.
That job is mine, because I am their mum. Or my husbands because sometimes they want daddy to do it.
At aged 8, I want to be there to comfort my own son if needed and not to pass that job onto someone else just yet.

I love having DS around. He's 12. I'm involved in his life and we have great chats, fun together, can help with issues and am there for him when he needs me.

I know that boarding school is great for some. There are some schools with great facilities. You can have your friends there.

But family life is so important. Having a relationship with your child that is not over the phone, Skype or email. It does affect you.

I want to tear my heart out with DS. He winds me up and we do fall out. But he is part of my life and I couldn't imagine sending him away.

Iggi

I'm not trying to convince you at all.
I did the same with our other, now grown up ds's. Their schools were so bad that they had to come home and learn what they should have done at school. The schools are dire in our area, but that's not why dd boards.
I suppose I'm happy now to let others supervise her prep at school and I do trust them as the support they get enables the school to have such fantastic results at GCSE and A level.
I don't think her school is any better than any other good school whether private or state, but I do know that no other school would meet or suit her needs.

I just don't think it's fair for people to assume that boarding is a bad choice for all children, because some people really thrive.
I also like the fact that school are there to cope with the teenage years the same as we are. I don't get the moods quite as much as I would if she was at home everynight. Although, like a normal 13 year old I get the "stay out of my life comments" just like her day school friends do, mine is just a bit less

I think it depends on the child and school.

A close lifelong friend boarded from 10. He left our primary school in year 5, and he & brother, then 13 weekly boarded.

They both had very severe dyslexia and neither state schools, especially the secondary school the older brother went to, catered for this (this was the 80s/early 90s) Elder brother was bullied badly and hated his secondary school. Parents in the financial position to be able to send them to a specialist school.

They loved it and thrived. They both went to uni and have successful careers doing things they love. You wouldn't guess they went to boarding school - they don't have issues with parents or relationships or feel like they were too young. It was the right thing.

I missed my friend greatly though. We are still close nowadays, and I don't consider him someone who went to private or boarding school.

'Elder brother was bullied badly and hated his secondary school. Parents in the financial position to be able to send them to a specialist school.'

I get why people pay for private education just why board, If you have the money why not use wrap around care with a nanny or an pair? I just don't understand why people think family life is so dispensible and unimportant.

orlantina

I know exactly what you mean. We had 3 dc, two are adults now and I was a sahm for 25 years and never worked, so did the whole time with the dc.
I honestly can't see any difference tbh, of course I've got used to not seeing dd every night but I do take solace for the long holidays, exeat and the odd weekend I can prise her away.

I do miss her terribly and the first term I cried until Christmas holidays, she doesn't know as I never told her.
We do have a close relationship though and do fun things together, she confides in me and I'm less than an hour away if she ever needs me or dh.
I think that nowadays there is much less sending them away and children, especially older ones choosing boarding for themselves.

What about boarding for access to specialist training eg Royal ballet school.

Just thinking of a conversation a few years ago where ballet teacher was saying she passed 11+ but also won a place at Royal ballet school and her dad didn't want to go. She did go and ended up dancing professionally and now runs successful ballet school. She was saying he wanted her to leave it until 16 but she said if you left it that late chance of dancing professionally was extremely slim.

Mum of another girl said oh I could never cope with DD going away like that. Her DD is very talented and they haven't explored it at all (DD goes to local comp with poor results)

Likewise the example of my deaf cousin. He was able to access a better and appropriate education at Royal school for the deaf school but it meant boarding.

I find it v hard to understand why people have children if they then send them away. I believe that children need the love and support of parents on a nightly basis.

I know of 2 boys who state board at Lancaster Grammar. Dropped off Monday, collected Friday so 4 nights there/3 home. Parents pay board only no school fees.

If your child is sporty and training or fixtures each night plus homework I can see the attraction plus access to an academic school (both I know who go were from deprived town with no equivalent school in town)

Secondary is totally different Dixie. I think a lot of children thrive in that situation. But primary is about laying down neurological pathways to enable empathy etc.

Many children who board at a young age demonstrate signs of attachment disorder.

I remember Marcus Brigstock saying that when you wonder why many senior Conservatives are the way they are you have to remember that "they had their hearts broken when they were little boys"

Myrtle

Boarding doesn't mean that family life is unimportant.
I go to more school events than most working parents I know, I see my dd for far longer. She is at home more than she is at school, it's just that whilst she's at school I don't always get to see her every night.
Sometimes kids decide to stay at weekend or have to for some reason.
We go and meet her, take her out shopping,or to dinner and a play/show.
They can get to see their families much more than many day school children see their families.
I think some people see boarding schools as some sort of barbaric imprisonment and of course they are all different, maybe some are less supportive of parental involvement than others.

If i had the sort of job or lifestyle which meant that potential children would have to be sent away before the age of 10, i would either change job/lifestyle, or i wouldn't have had children. Yes some children might love it but you have no idea what sort of child you're going to have do you?

Both my dad and my DH are boarding school casualties and it's taken all of their adult lives to come to terms with it. Children need a loving supportive home environment to enjoy as a sanctuary from the harsh world.
One day I hope it will be illegal.

My father went at 7. I wouldn't say it did him good.

Dixie

Many thanks
I don't feel like such a bad mother now, it's hard sometimes to read the comments that some people post.
There are many reasons why parents and/or children decide on a certain school.
To constantly hear that you have sent them away and don't care is heart breaking, but we carry on regardless as we know it's the right choice for our dc.

If you don't work, why don't you have your DD at home with you @gillybeanz?