I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

[TheVanguardSix]

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

I boarded from 11. I would have been better served by going younger rather than being stuck at home with my father (racist, misogynist, bigoted, Victorian arsehole). My brothers both boarded from 8, they've never regretted it, and are both normal, happy functioning adults who have been in strong relationships for over 20 years, despite all the claims that no one can form an adult relationship.

Like singing , I learned to do all my own laundry, how to cook etc. When I went to university at 18, I was more independent and capable of being over 300 miles from home than those who had never had more than an occasional sleepover and were used to parents doing everything for them.

I gave my DS the option of flexiboarding from Y4. He decided against it, because 'its just like a big sleepover, and has too much fun to concentrate the next day'. A couple of years later and he would love to, except his school has stopped boarding.

I fully boarded from 11-18. I still have a lot of issues stemming from that. I only really enjoyed my last year. I try never to think about the rest and have blanked quite a bit out I think. I left with an eating disorder and a fear of ever letting anyone know how I feel. You don't want to give anyone anything to bully you for.
I have two children both at secondary. I would have never considered sending them away. To survive you have to become someone else and I like my kids the way they are.

I did tell my parents I wanted to leave but the school always told them it was just homesickness and I would be fine once I was settled back in. I gave up telling anyone after a bit as there was no point so my parents just assumed I was happy. I don't blame my parents, they were disabled and on benefits, I won a scholarship, to them it was a dream come true. But it meant a lot to me when my mum apologised to me before she died and said she wished she hadn't done it.

I think 6th form boarding ischool not so bad because at that age you are becoming more independent and some people leave home at that age anyway. And boarding one or two nights a week I can see is different as you would be home most of the week anyway. But full boarding at 8 is awful.

KingfordRun Sat 23-Sep-17 20:39:47
Maths, they can have an opinion but is it informed if they've never set foot in a boarding school and have zero up-to-date experience of the environment?

Yes, it is informed, because parents can look at their 8 year old child and all their child's 8 year old friends and can see immediately that boarding school is not the place for anyone age 8.

What a shame that local schools are not catering to children's needs and that the armed forces do not provide base schools.

As I mentioned, my parents boarded. My dad in particular hated his experience, and I think it damaged him in many ways. Mum developed an eating disorder, also very damaging. "Up to date experience of the environment" isn't an argument, because the same basic situation of children separated from families and familiar home environment applies.

Children who are 7 or 8 are too young to be taken out of a home environment. The adaptation process is damaging. They must be guarded in expressing emotions in the public environment full of strangers that they find themselves in, and they are aware that their parents have an expectation of them that they will settle in and not upset the arrangements and plans the parents have for them. Something has to give in such a situation. It is usually the person with the least power who learns to submerge his or her needs.

Parents and schools take advantage of the nascent ability to mask feelings that is a characteristic of 8 year olds to tell themselves that boarding is ok and their child is doing fine - occupied, making friends, doing well academically. In normal home life, the ability to adapt to the environment and get on board with educational and social goals of the family develops gradually, but in boarding school this must happen very quickly. Normal developmental processes are bypassed. This is never a good thing.

I live in a culture where boarding is considered an unthinkable British horror. There are some boarding schools, but they are the preserve of a tiny minority of uber rich families whose culture is considered alien. There are also military academies where teens, mainly boys, who are perceived to be in need of a consistent boot to the behind structure and a sense of purpose are sent. They tend to come from families that have a strong military tradition or a belief in simple solutions to complicated problems.

Boarding may well have changed since my day. But the fundamental principle of spending a significant amount of your formative years living away from home and not as part of a family, does not change, regardless of phones and pastoral care. No amount of "the school is very cuddly/lovely/home from home changes the fact that it's not home. Some children won't mind that, some will be negatively affected by it. But there is no getting away from the fact that it teaches you to be independent and self-reliant away from your family at a very young age. I suppose only a parent can decide how comfortable they are at what age that kind of learning experience should be instilled.

Many on thread are talking about all boarding, rather than boarding from 8.

I am boarding staff in a girls' boarding house. It's a senior house and I share your reservations about primary boarding (although even then we have one or two who it is the best thing for) but this is worrying: DD's friend is only 7, about to turn 8. She expresses no feelings about it. She doesn't really talk about it. But there's a trimming down of her life at home... toys being given away, early childhood being tidied up and permanently put to bed, home becoming a place to visit rather than a place to be a part of. She'll leave at 8 and that will be it
She isn't going for a full school year as far as I can tell from your OP. This is not normal and not necessary. I think the problem here is definitely the parents, not the notion of boarding.
orlantina im really sorry that was your experience. The house I work in has 27 girls (34 beds, but we keep some empty for a contingency) and there is amemeber of staff in the office all evening every evening - often more than one. We spend a lot of time with the girls (most of whom are sixth formers). We don't drink when responsible for them and there is a house mobile they can ring at any time, day or night, and they do if they need us for illness or upset.
Many people are commenting on boarding last century. It really has changed.

I boarded from 11-17. Loved it, really loved it. And I had a fantastic home and family life. My mum missed my sister and I like mad but I was having too much fun to miss home. I did LOVE going home for a weekend every now and then, it was one of my favourite places to be but I can still feel the butterflies of excitement driving up the school avenue after being at home for a few nights, or the holidays or whatever.

Boarding school is not universally bad. Some schools I'm sure are not great and some kids are not suited to boarding. I came from a very happy background but many of my friends did not. So I would also say that many homes are worse places than boarding school.

math

I can't say that I've experienced anything like you suggest from the 8 year olds who board at dd school. There aren't many but the school won't allow them to stay if it isn't working out and the parents don't either.
I know parents of children of the same age who are day students and are often in the school, they report how well the 8 year olds are doing, how settled and happy.
There are a couple on here too, who may not post but have also told me in private.
All schools are different and all children are different.

I would not ban it but I would not send a child to board. It has nothing to do with how soft the duvets are these days or how often you can call mummy at home. It is still rejection by a parent and a reduction of parental influence. It is a message that those whom you love send you away.

Most chilren say it's okay even when it isn't so it' s a devil of a job really to know. Also my father (psychiatrist) treated so many people in later life so surely even if 1 in 100 is damaged by it why take that risk particularly when many of the academic day private schools get better exam results and have just as good hobbies and opportunities as the private schools and you also get to live with your child! So just move to near a good day private school - suffer as a parent for the good of your child rather than staying living near no good schools and sending the child away.

It wasn't an easy decision for us. I'm glad that the other dc have no reason or desire to board. It has worked out well. I can't tell how things would have been had we attempted to meet dc's needs with local provision - actually, I do know that dc would have spent hours on the road every day with little time for leisure, and have to cram in dinner before bedtime. We did trial a day option, and dc had a twelve-hour day between leaving home in the morning and getting back, tired and hungry. Now that's something we couldn't do to an 8yo.

If I could wave a magic wand I would chose for ds to attend a school round the corner with the provision he needs. Boarding is a compromise, rather than a choice made in of itself. Having said that, he is happy, settled, confident and making progress. The food is dire, but we're happy with pretty much everything else.

There are a bunch of different reasons why people send their children to board. Suggesting it's because they're too lazy to parent or that they shouldn't have had children in the first place is pretty insulting: most of us didn't plan to need special provision that we couldn't get locally, none of us wants to spend less time with our dc. But just as you can get used to dropping your dc at day school at 8.30 and collecting them at 3 or 4, you get used to boarding in the same way. And when you know your child is happy and getting the education they need, there's no guilt at all.

The choice is not boarding prep v living in nice normal home.

The choice is boarding prep v parents who don't want you in the house.

On the upside, these days the schools are a lot nicer.

Oldie, you are not speaking for all kids here. I never once for even a second felt 'sent away' or rejected. Not for a second. So be careful making sweeping statements.

'But the fundamental principle of spending a significant amount of your formative years living away from home and not as part of a family, does not change, regardless of phones and pastoral care. '

Yes it really is odd that people are saying over and over that it's great you have a lovely time and don't feel they miss out on family life at all. That's the point, an 8yr old or11 yr old shouldn't imo be in the position where they have to learn not to miss their family for huge chunks of their lives.

The pp who said their weekly boarder wanted to stay weekends too, well of course they did that's where their social circle was.

It is or course different for dc with special needs if there aren't any facilities within daily traveling distance I just couldn't imagine having a choice of schools state and private and choosing one where they board at 8yrs old.

It's only the most serious cases of homesickness that get recognised, Gilly.

8 year olds are developing the ability to mask feelings, and while they may be really suffering inside, those who can appear to hold it together are overlooked because they appear to be settled and happy. Parents and schools alike are invested in taking that at face value.

The bottom line is parents are asking their child to make a sacrifice to enable their own choice of home environment or career.

As Holliewantstobehot said - to survive you have to become someone else.

It depends on why they are boarding.

Sometimes it is beneficial to the child as they stay in one place with the same peers and have great opportunities - as opposed to travelling around with parents working abroad or in the military. I know someone who does due to sibling and care needs.

Sending an 8yo who could be collected daily at 4/5/6pm or spend weekends at home with the parents it seems a little unusual at such a young age.

But boarding schools themselves aren't a horrific option and some children love it and thrive.

I'm a boarding tutor in a prep school for 7-13. The vast majority of our weekly and fully boarders are 10+. Loads of the younger ones do one night a week but that's more of a sleepover with their friends than a true boarding situation (the junior dorms are an absolute nightmare to get quiet and to sleep on a Friday night!)

Usually the 7-9 year old full/weekly boarders (and a good proportion of the 10/11 year olds too to be fair) come from families with special or difficult circumstances. In current or very recent years:

*Forces families -
two 7 year old full boarders
five 8 year old full boarders
two 9 year old full boarders
one 8 year old weekly boarder

*Foreign Office/Working abroad families:
two 7 year old full boarders
one 7 year old weekly boarder
one 8 year old full boarder
three 9 year old full boarders
one 9 year old weekly boarder

*International students:
two 8 year old full boarders
six 9 year old full boarders

*children referred to the school by social services/charities for vulnerable children:
two 9 year old full boarders

*children from chaotic families/families in crisis:
two 7 year old full boarders
one 7 year old weekly boarder
two 9 year old full boarders

Young children can be happy, settled and stable in a boarding environment but I don't think it's an optimal first choice for any family nowadays.

My husband went to boarding school at 11 - he loved it and absolutely thrived. I think it does depend on the type of child - for some it would suit and others not. I don't think I could send our children to be honest.

My dd is currently playing xbox with her brother so my cuddles are on hold

Oldie
There isn't another school anywhere that could come close to meeting my child's needs.
No private school in the land has good enough provision except the one she attends.
It isn't a case of moving to where there is a suitable school.
We live less than an hour away from her school and we tried the day student idea but she would come home to go straight to bed, have to try to complete homework on a train if she managed to get a seat.
Her day is very long and at least boarding she has a couple of hours before lights out to chill with friends, or spend quiet time by herself, or both
I share the experience of TheNext here.
If somebody had told me 10 years ago that my little 3 year old would be a boarder, I'd have called them crazy, not something on our radar at all. It would have been sink estate and a really unhappy unfulfilled child had we refused. Or of course we could have continued with H.ed, which is ours and dd plan B if her school doesn't work out.

I don't understand why people do it at all. Why bother having kids ?
In my limited experience most people who do send their kids to boarding school went there themselves.

Some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous. Whilst I agree that for the vast majority of 8 year olds, boarding is probably not the best choice, seeping statements about how damaged all ex-boarders are and how horrific the experience is are crazy. Some kids board from a young age, enjoy the experience and go on to have normal relationships in adult life, unscathed by their education. For some kids it's not a bad choice!

I chose to spend my exeat weekends at school rather than going home. I was 14 at that point. It's not that I didn't want to see my family - just that for not quite 48 hours it was not enough time to settle into the rhythm of being back at home, but long enough to feel like an outsider. It was a much easier call to say that I was going to stay behind and hang out with my mates instead.

In terms of homesickness there was definitely an element of learning to 'cope' and I would be incredibly surprised if that had changed. No matter how kindly someone is looking after you, the school is not going to want to summon parents to fetch their kids every time there's a few tears. And most kids do settle down and get over it. The issue for me is do you really want your 8 year old to learn how to 'get over' being away from home and missing their Mum, Dad, siblings, pets and so on?

Taking a young child out of their family and teaching them how to cope seems rather cruel - and I know from my own experience how quickly you learn to be resilient. How quickly you learn that people want you to be happy, that your parents want to hear that you've settled in, that you don't want people to worry about you or feel that you're causing problems. I am always interested in hearing what people have to say about having boarded once they are adults. IME you tend to find they are a lot more honest about the emotional impact of being separated from their families, than when they are kids and have learned that they must control their emotions.

Why bother having kids....😂😂😂

Some of you really have no idea.

I was and am a very loved child. My existence and my sisters existence are the most important and proudest achievements of my parents lives. We have both had fantastic and happy lives over these combined nearly 80 years. Our parents are still by our side for every important moment and even every dull moment if our lives.

And you ask why they bothered because we spent 6 years of school terms having the best time in boarding school??

I was utterly miserable at school. State day school. Hell. It screwed me up. Home was ok but there was nothing to do there. I was bored. I would have loved to have gone.

Loads of people were fucked up by day state schools and by home lives. Yet lots weren't. Same as boarding school. Just because you know someone who was unhappy doesn't mean they are bad.

Oddly I know people who were fucked up by school, parents, marriage, parents and jobs.

MY DD went and was so very happy. Friends for life, an excellent education, a chance to do so many things. And home with me for half the year.

Read the teen threads and still say that home is better. Good boarding school have the resources and the skills to make it work when parents really can't sometimes.

What percentage do you ready are ready at 8 then Welshweasel ? 5% ? 10% ? 20? Cause it seems like quite a big risk to me, given that almost every 8 year old can access a good education in some other way.

The bottom line is parents are asking their child to make a sacrifice to enable their own choice of home environment or career.

Whilst I take on board your comments about some 8 year olds masking their home sickness, this really is not our experience.
However, our situation is different as the kids really want to be there and haven't been sent.
I can't agree that the children are making a sacrifice for their parents in all cases, or even most.
I also disagree that schools will want to encourage the masking. A good school will keep you informed and be happy to have a spare place than an unhappy child. They are quite happy to see a child removed who hasn't settled.
Children are taught to speak up for themselves now, they aren't the quiet stay in the background children from last century. They know they can speak to their parents and can be seen and heard.