I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

[TheVanguardSix]

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

'My issue is not with boarding schools but boarding at 8. Re-read my OP.'
I don't need to reread it thanks, I know what your op was about, but as often happens the discussion evolves so I was giving a rather summary of what had been discussed, not what you asked. Anyway, correct 8yr olds shouldn't board as many have agreed.

Yes but we're talking about 8 year olds.

This isn't a boarding school debate per se but more of a 'Why board at 8?' debate.
I'm not judging boarding school.
Read my OP. Please.
I don't have a strong opinion on boarding school after the age of 11. Most of DC1's friends board but they're 15.
DD's friend is nearly 8 and preparing to board and the difference between her and an 11 year old is huge.

It's not for everyone is the bottom line.

Myrtle this last post wasn't directed at you.
Thanks though for elaborating on what you meant.

My 2 have both just gone to Uni as happy, well-rounded young people and I've just had the most fabulous 20 years I could I have hoped for. I loved hearing about their day, taking them to their clubs and knowing they were tucked up in bed nearby every night. I loved being their parent.

I can't imagine missing that experience through choice.

As a matter of interest, how does one decide whether or not someone else is damaged by their experiences?

The reason I have strong feelings against boarding at 8 is because of my DH (married 15 years). He is lovely but in some ways quite strange. I'm not British and have found it very frustrating and confusing over the years. For instance, he is very much on his own agenda and that's it. He can never just "be" and do nothing. He has to have things in a certain order and it's hard work. He actually can't show emotion or cry and never has. He didn't know why this was, but about 2 years ago when his brother stayed and they had a few drinks, they were talking about when DH used to cry in the dorm when he first went away they used to kick him in the stomach until he shut up. They did this to anyone who cried at night, so not surprising that they come out emotionally-stilted. They also apparently used to hold each others head down a loo with poo in and then flush it. DH has bonded with our DC but I wouldn't say it came naturally to him. On the other hand, he's been very successful professionally, but probably would have been anyway. He very much wanted his DC to have a home life, although does have friends who sent DC boarding - (nobody at 7 though)!

I've just asked my two what they think about it. "It's fun, but we like home better" is the summary.

I'm okay with that: I'd be gutted if they preferred school to being with me.

I suspect they wouldn't think home was better if they only ever saw a nanny during the week though, combined with a new school. Which would be the case from next year when my husband gets posted. I don't think home without seeing your parents is in any way preferable to being with your friends at school. Wraparound childcare equates to weekly boarding in terms of contact with your child, so don't understand why people think that is a better solution. Plus you still have to waste time on the school run.

My children really DO NOT like being left with nannies during the holidays. That's the one thing they really complain about, so we end up spending a fortune on holiday activities to try and limit it. They'd rather stay at friends houses.

And finally, do people realise how short the boarding school terms are? They are only at school half the year. You are not sending them away for "most" of the time. The more you pay, the less they stay.

My daughter started boarding at 9 nearly 10; a friend was a year younger. But they were boarding in order to become cathedral choristers and both had been interested in singing for several years, involved in church choirs etc. I was glad my son didn't need to board too to be a chorister; but it would have been tough on his sister to have been denied the opportunity if we had stuck to our original "not boarding school" thoughts!

Exactly, Airbiscuits, who commenting here has a child currently at a boarding school? Unless you've this experience you are unlikely to truly have an informed perspective.

DD's friend is only 7, about to turn 8. She expresses no feelings about it. She doesn't really talk about it. But there's a trimming down of her life at home... toys being given away, early childhood being tidied up and permanently put to bed, home becoming a place to visit rather than a place to be a part of. She'll leave at 8 and that will be it

State boarding from 11. Dad in the RAF. Only 80 pupils in the boarding house. Run by the 6th formers - with a definite hierarchy. Houseparents no where to be seen. Wait - they were drunk half the time.

Not allowed to write home till we had been there 3 weeks. Parents lived far away so we went home at holidays. Because we kept moving around, it was hard to make friends with local kids on the base as they weren't there. Made school friends but didn't socialise much with them at the weekends as we were controlled over what we could do.

Discipline maintained by 6th formers. You can imagine that.

Lord of the Flies is real. Trust me.

Home never felt like home. It was a place to go to but I knew it was back to school soon.

I still find it really hard to make friends and to trust people. I struggled to know what it was to mean someone to somebody. I know my family thought they were doing the right thing and I got a good education - but it fucked me up in so many ways.

That's why I value every minute I spend with DS and why I want to be a great parent to him. My mum died a long time ago and doesn't know what happened. DF knows a bit but only my therapist knows what really happened. Even then, there are still bits I don't talk about.

KingfordRun, I suspect most people commenting here have children and I think that entitles them to comment.

Is it really so much worse than DP sending babies and toddlers to day care all day everyday?

Maths, they can have an opinion but is it informed if they've never set foot in a boarding school and have zero up-to-date experience of the environment?

I went to uni with a few people who got sent to boarding school. I had to teach a group of around 10 people how to use a washing machine (these ones were literally put your money in and press which setting you wanted). I also had to teach basic cooking skills. I walked in on one girl trying to cook pasta without water in the pan.

The majority of them were also lacking awareness about the real world and weren't street smart at all. This was absolutely not the failing of their schools, but the failing of their parents. One lad told me his parents expected the school to teach him what his parents should have taught him and I found that ever so sad. Obviously you get parents like this outside boarding schools too but this is all I know of that world.

I went at 10. I remember being most upset that my brother got to go to ToysRUs in my first few weeks away, and obviously I missed out. I think if I was young enough to aspire to visiting ToysRUs, I was too young to be removed from the family home so decidedly.

I can totally see that children may thrive, get better academic results, drink hot chocolate and have jolly japes. However I think we risk real trauma in taking a child away from the family home so completely at this age. "Home sickness" is seen as a temporary aberration which children will get over. You get over it by stopping missing your parents. Hot chocolate and extra horse riding help that happen quicker but they don't avoid the damage. I went away to school at 10, then my parents moved. I used to go to stay at my parents' new house after that but I never felt again that I had a home or belonged anywhere. You'd think where my parents lived might define where I considered home to be, but not really when you rarely see them. Tiny violins, first world problems etc but having poured so much love and attention to your child to give them a great start in life, why bugger it all up by removing them from the family home for 36 weeks of the year before they even reach puberty? (I am talking about FT boarding here. One or two nights a week I'd think is totally different. Weekly boarding I don't know, but I wouldn't risk it for my own DC.)

I also think that an 8, 9, 10 year old does not have the mental capacity to understand the impact of separation from parents & home. It is doubly unfair to send them away and then justify it by saying "but you wanted to go." I wouldn't get an 8 year old a tattoo because she wanted one.

But you don't have to have the details of the particular environment that children are removed to to still believe that it is vitally important for children to live nestled in their family homes, within the crux of family life on an everyday basis.

Is this termly boarding or weekly boarding? Someone earlier in the thread made the point about things having changed while they were away - eg furniture moved, new things bought for the house, people changing their routines, etc, making them feel more like a visitor than someone coming home at the end of term (that along with them not having kept up with local friends). I think that's a difference with wraparound care - also the fact your parents are not putting you to bed and getting you up in the morning, making them seem less involved. At least if you put your own child to bed, you can see, touch and talk to them every day. How these differences affect people in the short, medium and long term - how do you assess this?

My mum died a few months after I left boarding school. I was at home for summer, then off to Uni. She then died. She'd also had a serious illness whilst I was in 5th form. I never really knew her. I was at home for a few weeks and then off again. Being away at school as a full time boarder isolates you from your family. I often wonder how much they thought about me when I was away at school.

Or did they have to forget as well?

I have a child who might be well served by specialist boarding and it has been suggested to us.
There is absolutely no way I will be sending her

You would be very wise not to if you mean specialist due to G&T, it has to come from the child, not the parents.
It isn't the parents who push it's the children and those interviewing, auditioning, taking tests, trying out etc are usually weeded out pretty soon if they appear to be doing it for mum and Dad.
Just out of interest would you deny it if the request came from your child, if they were determined at all costs?

I was at boarding school when I was 10. It was hideous. I was a weekly boarder which probably was worse in some ways, as I never fully settled into a routine. I think maybe termly boarding would be easier because you start to adapt. However, lots of other girls were thriving in the same environment - I really think it's down to the individual.

It's true that many people posting are talking about boarding a long time ago. Things have changed, in particular with phones etc. However the basic fact of the separation remains, and I think the implications sometimes aren't felt fully by the child for some years.

Redfor my boarding experience was the opposite of your friends' in a practical sense. We did our own washing by machine from age 12 and cooked and budgetted our own evening meals in upper sixth.

Friend's 8 year old has just landed a place at a cathedral school as a chorister. He's thrilled and can't wait. Mum and dad will miss him hugely and he's back every weekend. Friend is massively reassured by standard of pastoral care - he can phone home whenever he likes; he gets 'house mum' who looks after just 5 boys ( he says she's cool ) and it's a massive opportunity for him. I think the big difference is that if they want to go but know they can come home at any time, it's not like they're being abandoned. Depends very much on the child and the circumstances

KingfordRun - my child is a day boy at a school that has boarders. Am I allowed to comment? He has friends who are weekly boarders and friends who are termly boarders. Plus I know some of the boarding house staff (I've know one of the upper school housemasters since university).

Orlantina I'm sorry.

Maybe they comfort themselves by saying it's worse for them than it is for you...

Kit30

My dd started out with something similar, you may want to warn your friend that they have such a good time and organise so much at the weekends that once settled he'll be asking to stay at weekend with his full boarding friends
Or maybe let friend find out for themselves if you aren't that close.
If it's what the child wants to do and it suits their personality they will thrive.
I sympathise with your friends, I found it hellish and it broke my heart at first.
I believe sometimes you just have to let them go and make sure you are there for them when they return.
We are lucky that everyday that dd is at home either both of us or one of us is here, usually one or two siblings too.
We have 10 weeks of summer hols where we can spend all day with her if we/she wants to. I don't know many parents who can say that.
I have also noticed that dd spends far more time with extended family than her siblings did, because they go out of their way to arrange things for when she is home. Whereas her siblings were always there, they tended not to make as much effort. Her siblings have commented on this recently.