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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

451 replies

TheVanguardSix · 23/09/2017 13:36

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 23/09/2017 19:03

I agree about the giving toys away and trimming down her life, that doesn't sound good.
The only thing I do is clean and clear up dirty stuff from dd bedroom otherwise it would stink.
Everything is where she leaves it, it's her home and like any 13 year old she hates me touching her stuff.
I never throw anything or give anything away without her say so.
She believes that school is a home away from home and always says it's good to be home.
That makes it much easier when she can't wait to get in the car to go back.

BarbarianMum · 23/09/2017 19:03

TheNext I reckon anyone who can afford to board their child from age 7 probably has quite a lot of choice about where they live and how they educate their child.

Just counted and I know 5 people who were boarded from age 7. They're all quite messed up emotionally. I can't imagine that there are many young children that it suits.

User843022 · 23/09/2017 19:04

' it may be hard to break through the ignorance here: a number of the posters don't seem to be able to imagine having children whose needs can't be met by the school down the road.'

It isn't ignorance. I've had many many challenges like a lot of people. I've moved, I've had to make compromise etc etc . Life is not easy for anyone. If your dc needs can't be met 'by the school down the road' I'd do whatever I could before I waved them off age 8yrs. You make out some never have any choice. All schools I know whether private, state of specialist have school buses, where is this very remote place that has no schools and no buses?

Spikeyball · 23/09/2017 19:05

"Ok, living in the middle of nowhere with a dc with sens and the nearest facility is 100miles away I can understand it. Even then, I'd move."

You are very lucky it is something you never have to consider.

Littlecaf · 23/09/2017 19:06

But there's a trimming down of her life at home... toys being given away, early childhood being tidied up and permanently put to bed, home becoming a place to visit rather than a place to be a part of. She'll leave at 8 and that will be it

That's sad.

I made the point about the state boarding school because their requirements and ethos was different from the public schools. While the public schools were run as a business and 'schooling' for money, tradition and excellence in education for the middle and upper classes (and international students) the state boarding school I worked with was more of a service, it was a near nessesity for the families who used it, the parents were 'means tested' so to speak.

BertrandRussell · 23/09/2017 19:07

There are some extremely gifted children who are driven in a way that means their needs can only be met at a particular school. Then the possibility of them being damaged by not being allowed to peruse their ambitions makes it a different decision. This does not apply to very many children, though.

gillybeanz · 23/09/2017 19:07

Myrtle

I have a full weekend of cuddling up on settee with dd and Netflix, which is what we are doing as soon as I've eaten tea that she and her brother/ partner have just cooked.
Cuddles aren't reserved for day school children, you know.

AtomHeart · 23/09/2017 19:09

What is wrong with the parents? Have they no heart?

Buglife · 23/09/2017 19:13

My DH went to boarding school at 8 and adored it. He came home most weekends and as both his parents worked full time and longer hours it wasn't like he'd see them loads in the week either, they had an Au Pair. I wouldn't do it for our DS though. Interestingly to those saying it's better for older kids, he left that boarding school at 10 and went to a local school but then went to board again at 13-16. He LOATHED it then. It was much more difficult as a teen where there was more bullying etc than when he was 8 and cared for much more by the staff etc. For what it's worth he's a wonderful caring husband and father with no emotional hang ups or issues due to either boarding experience even the one he hated. But again, not something I'd want to do with my DS.

annielouise · 23/09/2017 19:16

It's great when it works out but the problem is you don't know if it will, or has, as often kids keep things to themselves, even years after the event. I hear things from my kids years later that something or someone upset them or they weren't as happy as they made out at the time, and they didn't board, so even seeing them every evening after school it's not something I picked up on.

I don't think boarding is great. For certain kids I'm sure it's fine and they have a great time, but it's pot luck and why would you take a chance with what is the most precious thing in your life? Mine wouldn't have liked the regimented nature of it of always having to be doing something.

Amazed at the number of people that took Dotty's comment so literally when to me it was clearly tongue in cheek - weird.

Original poster
TheVanguardSix · 23/09/2017 19:16

There are much, much, much worse things you could do to a child. It is true. Sending a child to boarding school at 8 is not abuse. Not by any means. And parents think damn hard about doing so, undoubtedly.

Still... 8 is too young. "Perhaps this friend of your child is being "got rid of" but it's a pity you can't see beyond your preconceptions." What does the latter part of this sentence mean exactly? That I am wrong in thinking that it more than likely totally sucks to board at 8? That's a given. The majority of kids would not be happy to board at 8.

OP posts:
User843022 · 23/09/2017 19:18

'Amazed at the number of people that took Dotty's comment so literally when to me it was clearly tongue in cheek - weird.'

I know, it got a bit 'cancel the cheque' there for a while Grin

DottyBlue2 · 23/09/2017 19:20

What have I missed? My son is on exeat this weekend so we've been out for the afternoon.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/09/2017 19:24

I can't find the stats but i've seen them posted on mumsnet and number full boarding under age 11 is very low. For a uk child to be full boarding under 11 i'd imagine in virtually all cases special circumstances will apply be it parent abroad, dead parent, child with exceptional dance or sporting talent.

Original poster
TheVanguardSix · 23/09/2017 19:26

You haven't missed much Dot.
I haven't taken action or called social services as suggested. Wink But you're back for open mic night I take it.

OP posts:
maxthemartian · 23/09/2017 19:26

I began to board weekly at nine. It was absolutely fine, I enjoyed the structured environment and have lots of happy memories.

Talith · 23/09/2017 19:29

I don't understand boarding outside necessity, e.g. if a parent or parents employment or circumstances is/are particularly random. Why bother having kids if you outsource their care by choice for days or weeks at a time? I enjoy their company. 7 year and sometimes even 10 year old comes into my bed for a cuddle in the middle of the night when anxious. That's healthy and loving parenting. Not a phone call after prep. Touch and love.

mathanxiety · 23/09/2017 19:30

I watched a documentary about young boarders, all girls iirc.

It broke their spirits.

It's right up there with all the other terrible things people do to their children.

At least if they hate their day school they can go home at night and take comfort in the presence of family. In boarding school they suck it up, and shut down "their increasingly irrelevant emotions" in order to survive.

If 'boarding school is better than being beaten/starved/abused daily at home' is the best argument some can muster up, then we really are not talking about something ideal.

I am very lucky to live in a country where schools are obliged to meet the needs of all students in the catchment - all SEN, all gifted, all children with physical handicaps, etc. The armed forces also have schools on bases. You can pick up where you left off thanks to a very standardised curriculum if parent/s get another posting.

Both of my parents boarded from age 11-12. All of their siblings did too. Out of both families - a total of 19 children - only one of my uncles chose to send his children to boarding school, and those cousins did not send theirs. Maybe it's because they hated it so much, and maybe it's because Ireland has invested so much in education that local schools are pretty solid choices now.

User843022 · 23/09/2017 19:33

'What have I missed? '

Boarding school is great with lots of activities/boarding school isnt great dc should live with their family not their school pals is about the gist of it

neveradullmoment99 · 23/09/2017 19:33

Its a thing of the past and should be left there. No place for boarding school in this day and age.

Original poster
TheVanguardSix · 23/09/2017 19:36

No Myrtle.
That's so not what I meant.
My issue is not with boarding schools but boarding at 8. Re-read my OP.

OP posts:
Athome77 · 23/09/2017 19:38

I went to boarding school from aged 10, would love mine to go go, they are aged 11 and 13 and won't consider it, although if they went I'm sure they would love it. My parents moved a lot (not forces).
Hubby is 🤔 About it, but could be persuaded if they wanted to.

I think if you have never been, then you can't judge.

upperlimit · 23/09/2017 19:39

I understand that there are some incredibly problematic situations where, unfortunately, being placed in boarding school is as good as it is going to get for some kids.

What I'll never understand is children aged 8 being shipped off to boarding school outside of those miserable circumstances. Jettisoned outside of comfortable homes and warm families because they asked, or for extra-curricular activities, or educational advantage or to allow a parent to maintain a particular career or anything short of some life-saving advantage.

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 23/09/2017 19:40

I think it's very selfish. Poor kid

BrieAndChilli · 23/09/2017 19:42

I went to boarding school when I was 15 and it was very tough, I developed an eating disorder and eating disorders are rife in boarding school.
Physical and practically your needs are taken care of but emotionally is it very isolating.
I did have friends whose parents were in the military etc so it made sense for them to board but that didn't make it any easier for them. Most of our boarders were from Hong Kong.
We had a little French boy who was 4, he called the house mistress mummy, it was so sad, even when he went home he had nannies. He was obviously an extreme case but I couldn't see why he couldn't have a full time nanny and attend school where his parents lived.

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