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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive DSS.(13) to football training

404 replies

Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:00

DSS.stays with us every Friday night.

I just rearranged my working hours hours so that I can pick him up from the school bus.

Without discussing with me.dh has signed him up for football. The training for which is at 5:30 on a Friday.

I've said that not prepared to take him and he can walk down its less than a mile not at all remote and lots of children who live in our road walk to the venue which the local secondary school.

My reason for not taking him is that it is dinner time for ds7 and DD 4. DS does an after school club and is starving afterwards.

We get home about 4:30 and then I'll need to bundle them all out the door again to drop him off and tbh I can't be bothered.

I've deliberately not signed DS up for activities which aren't straight after school as it's a nightmare.

Dh keeps making comments about it. I said this morning that he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.

Dh is at work and can't get back due to long commute etc.

I'm now doubting myself.

Aibu?

OP posts:
titchy · 23/09/2017 14:04

OP can I suggest posting this again, but leaving out the fact that the 13 yo is a step child which seems to detract from the actual issue.

MothratheMighty · 23/09/2017 14:06

Maybe DH could work flexitime, finish early on the Friday and take his don to football. You know, father/son bonding time. Or is it just women who build their children into their lives and are prepared to adapt?
I expected my teenagers to be able to walk a couple of miles without it being a problem, foul weather or heavy gear and they got a lift.

FrancisCrawford · 23/09/2017 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wishingandwaiting · 23/09/2017 14:12

Pain in the ass time. I get that.

But if he was your biological son, you'd do it.

Evelynismyspyname · 23/09/2017 14:13

People are giving you a hard time because he's DSS not DS.

My 10 year old has played on the same football team since he was 4 (moving up the age groups with his teammates obviously). Most of the kids who live within a mile take themselves to training (which is 17:30 here too) on foot or by bike already at 10-11 years old, and did last year too.

We live a few miles away rurally but car pool - nobody takes and fetches them themselves to two training sessions a week plus a match every week.

By 13 I'll expect DS to bike there when it's light and I'll pick him up if it's dark, or he can bike back (unlikely to be alone as luckily two kids from our road play on the same team and are as dedicated as he is).

DS would bike there now rather than miss training if I told him to, he wants to go to training when he's ill and has to be forbidden to, he doesn't bat an eye at going in rain or sleet.

Bit pointless signing up a 13 year old who doesn't want to go enough to walk one way to training once per week tbh. Sounds as if taking him is to make him go because he isn't really that into it. Perhaps he should do something he's more interested in and motivated to get himself to.

titchy · 23/09/2017 14:14

But if he was your biological son, you'd do it.

How the fuck do you know that?

Alittlepotofrosie · 23/09/2017 14:19

If it was her son she'd be able to tell the lazy wotsit to walk .

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/09/2017 14:19

No wishing OP said she wouldn't arrange clubs straight after school for her children. So if he was her biological son she wouldn't have signed him up, maybe would have done another time.

MothratheMighty · 23/09/2017 14:21

I didn't for either of my bio children, nor did my friends. So we now all have a fit, healthy group of young adults capable of walking back from the station without a fit of the vapours or melting in the rain.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2017 14:32

He expects a lift and can't be bothered basically

Yes, I know folk with kids like this; they just grow more and more entitled, difficult and selfish if they're not helped to change Hmm

It's not even about being "kind" or not - after all you'd probably make an exception if it was 10 degrees below or absolutely bucketing it down, and you've already offered to collect him later - nor is it about stepkids versus blood family. For me it's more about petulant expectations and I believe you're doing the right thing to stick to your guns

FinallyHere · 23/09/2017 14:33

I get the idea of being kind, but driving a thirteen year old to football practise doesn't sound very kind in the long run. It might get the OP some brownie points in the short term, but really. If a thirteen year old doesn't want to walk fifteen minutes, can anyone really imagine that they want to do an hour,s football practice?

Think of it as a gentle warm up: if he still doesn't want to walk, let him stay at home.

Perhaps ask DH to find something that really interests the child, rather than just picking on football as a default, or projection of his own desires.

SandyDenny · 23/09/2017 14:35

Always on here posters suggest that people change their working hours to accomodate something.

Is there an assumption that everyone works flexitime with no rules at all and isn't dependant on public transport for getting to and from work?

The vast majority of jobs surely don't allow for employees setting their own hours do they.

Tazerface · 23/09/2017 14:49

A mile?! And he's 13?!

Seriously some people are so over protective it's not even funny, it's just sad. Of course he can walk if he wants to go. Then DH can collect him afterwards if he's back.

I absolutely can't believe people would rearrange stuff to ensure they can drop a 13 year old a mile away. For actual fucks sake.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 14:53

Yes I think we have established 13 year olds can walk a mile now.

Sunshineface123 · 23/09/2017 14:57

I think it's more than reasonable for you to pick him up if he walks there. If he doesn't want to do that he doesn't go,simple. 13 isn't a baby, he can make his own decisions, stick to your guns re drop off.

Coastalcommand · 23/09/2017 14:58

I always walked everywhere as a kid because we were a single parent family with no car. But after the Rhys Jones case, I wouldn't let my kids do the same. I'm sure they'd be fine but I couldn't rest.

Roomster101 · 23/09/2017 15:00

I would be really annoyed as I feel your DH is treating you like a personal assistant. He shouldn't sign your DSS to anything without discussing it with you first unless he is prepared to pick him up. I don't think it makes any difference whether it is your child or your stepchild.

PoppyFleur · 23/09/2017 15:06

Francis excellent post.

Some of the responses make me wonder if I'm reading a different thread. OP has changed her hours to collect DSS from the school bus. She then collects her DS and heads home.

Because OP has yet mastered the ability to quantum leap in time, she doesn't collect her DD, her own DM does that. They all get home about 4:30pm.

OP is then expected to prepare the evening meal, then stop at 5:15pm, load all children into the car and drive DSS 1 mile to football club. Then return home, presumably about 5:45pm, feed kids, then head back out at 6:30pm to collect DSS at 6.45pm, then return home (by 7pm?). Then start bedtime routine for the younger 2.

Yet some of you have decided that the OP is being lazy?
Yes, I'm definitely reading a different thread....

MothratheMighty · 23/09/2017 15:08

Costal, what about all the children injured and killed in car accidents? Or is it because all those are so common, they don't make headlines, so you don't think if it as something to be afraid of?

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 15:17

@FrancisCrawford

Children as young as 7 are encouraged by Brownies to "lend a hand" and "to think of others before [themselves]"

Your post made me think back - I remember DDs making this promise at Brownies but I can't recall DSs making similar promises at Cubs. Do they? It struck me at the time that Brownies was much more focused on 'helping' than Cubs but that could be just the local groups.

pinkyredrose · 23/09/2017 15:18

If he's too tired to walk there he'll be to tired to play football, best cancel it altogether.

Willow2017 · 23/09/2017 15:19

Good grief it's hardly a marathon!
Half of our local high school kids walk that every day. There aren't buses in town to the high school ( and they expect kids to get there themselves up to 2 miles!)
Op is already leaving work early to accommodate this without even being asked if it's possible first then she has 2 younger kids to deal with and feed. Making tea then going out before they had a chance to eat it or waiting till they get back again and be very late eating is not fair.

It's not like he will be walking lonely country roads there will be plenty people about and will probably walk with others going to training after the first week anyway.

If he can't walk 10 -15 minutes in the rain how is he going to play footie in the rain for an hour?

DressedCrab · 23/09/2017 15:21

Of course he walks there. If he's too feeble he can't play football. If he wants a lift his dad will have to take him. Stand firm, he's 13 not 5.

Alittlepotofrosie · 23/09/2017 15:25

If your NT 13 year old can't sensibly walk to something a mile away on normal roads, you've failed them.

LongWavyHair · 23/09/2017 15:29

Always on here posters suggest that people change their working hours to accomodate something

I assume you mean the people talking about the dad and how he should change his hours to work around his son's football practice?

You're right that not everyone can just change their hours and not everyone has a car etc....
That's why he shouldn't have gone and arranged something for his DS and assumed it would be ok with the op to run him there.

I'm not a stepparent but if my oh went and arranged something for one of our children and assumed it would be Ok for me to take them just because I wouldn't be at work then I would be annoyed. I have my own schedule and he has his, and if he didn't even have the courtesy to say "shall we book our child on to this activity at 5:30 every Friday but you'll have to take him and pick him up as I'll be at work?" then I would be quite put out about it. That's understandable, right?