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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive DSS.(13) to football training

404 replies

Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:00

DSS.stays with us every Friday night.

I just rearranged my working hours hours so that I can pick him up from the school bus.

Without discussing with me.dh has signed him up for football. The training for which is at 5:30 on a Friday.

I've said that not prepared to take him and he can walk down its less than a mile not at all remote and lots of children who live in our road walk to the venue which the local secondary school.

My reason for not taking him is that it is dinner time for ds7 and DD 4. DS does an after school club and is starving afterwards.

We get home about 4:30 and then I'll need to bundle them all out the door again to drop him off and tbh I can't be bothered.

I've deliberately not signed DS up for activities which aren't straight after school as it's a nightmare.

Dh keeps making comments about it. I said this morning that he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.

Dh is at work and can't get back due to long commute etc.

I'm now doubting myself.

Aibu?

OP posts:
dietcokeandwine · 23/09/2017 13:06

My three boys are the same ages as these, brothers not step siblings. I agree that the fact this issue concerns the OP's DSS is neither here nor there.

This kind of club start time is a nightmare if it's on a Friday when you have the range of ages to deal with that the OP has. Because it's the end of the week, everyone is tired, especially the younger ones, and there's no way you want to be schlepping them out and about at teatime on a Friday after a full week at school. It's not fair.

It's different if, say, the DC are 13 and 11, and you can simply shunt tea to a bit later in the evening. Having to deal with an 8/9 year age gap is hard work because the needs and wants of the children are so different.

I make my 13yo get himself to and from the sport club he does on a Friday at 5pm. Granted, it's near to where we live than your scenario, but the principle's the same. One of his friends (also 13) bikes to us, which is probably about a mile's distance, to call for ds, and they then walk on to the club together. They do this rain or shine or dark or light. It's good for them! They are 13, not 8.

OP your DH should not have arranged this club and just assumed you would facilitate it. And it's doubly difficult because it concerns your DSS. In your shoes I would want to make him walk but would feel bad about making him feel treated differently as a step son. It's a tough call.

Brittbugs80 · 23/09/2017 13:08

I find this thread pretty sad - the number of people who talk about 'his son'. And the OP 'can't be bothered' to take him. I really wonder if it would be the same if it wasn't a stepchild

She'd say she wouldn't treat them differently but she probably would.

As a parent I can't be bothered to run DS to the club's he has to go to but I do it. She can't be bothered with after school clubs for her DS but does it, she can't be bothered to run her DSS to football and won't.

Butterymuffin · 23/09/2017 13:10

So your DH makes no adjustments to his life for his kids then. I get that OP would be doing the lion's share of pick ups, but this is on a different level. It's as if he has outsourced all parenting responsibilities because he WORKS.

If he can't get himself home by 6.45pm on a Friday to at least do pick up, I'd be deeply unimpressed. I would be telling him that since he's signed DSS up for this, he can go further and find another parent to share lifts with when weather is bad - other parent drops them off, he can make sure he's back from work to pick them up.

Have you asked him directly to change his schedule to be there, OP? What did he say if so?

Brittbugs80 · 23/09/2017 13:12

It's less than a mile so he doesn't need a lift

No doesn't. But sometimes it's nice to be offered a lift and actually quite nice to be kind.

And yes a mile is a doddle to walk but it can also be nice to have a lift, doesn't make him lazy or obese or Molly coddled or unable to survive life.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 13:12

She can't be bothered with after school clubs for her DS but does it

Or you could actually read what she said Hmm

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 13:13

I agree Brittbugs sometimes it's just a nice thing to do.

DSs training was Tuesday nights, I think Friday is quite a good day, bit more relaxed.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 13:14

actually quite nice to be kind

You know I really don't agree that its kind to a 13 yr old to ferry them everywhere - especially such a short distance on a known route.

Yes there might be odd weeks where you do it because you are free or because of some random reason but as a general rule they are better getting some exercise and independence.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 13:16

You get some of the best conversations with teens when you are driving them somewhere.

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/09/2017 13:30

Your husband sounds like a typical misogynistic arse.......thinking all he has to do is drop his load in a woman and that's his parenting job done.
Placing more importance on a high salary and fannying about the globe acting like he's some really important person, instead of altering his job/working hours to accommodate for the children he is responsible for.
For making family decisions without consultation the mother/caregiver and expecting them to obey, expecting them to make all the necessary changes and sacrifices to facilitate this...........
........and throughout all this he has not contemplated - even for a second making any changes to his own lifestyle.

I think expecting dss to make his own way to football is the best way for him to learn about taking personal responsibility for his wants.
His father obviously isn't teaching him this.........he's teaching him to act like an entitled twat like his father.

JigglyTuff · 23/09/2017 13:32

I wonder how much quality chat time the OP is likely to have with the 13 YO with a 7 and a 4 YO also in the car Hmm

FFS this thread has descended into fantasy!

Brittbugs80 · 23/09/2017 13:34

You know I really don't agree that its kind to a 13 yr old to ferry them everywhere - especially such a short distance on a known route

It's not about ferrying them everywhere, it's about occasionally being kind enough to offer a lift. Why is that so bad?

Brittbugs80 · 23/09/2017 13:41

or you could actually read what she said

I did.

She can only be bothered with clubs that suit her, regardless of whether they suit the children.

Immediately after school is fine, any later is no because she can't be bothered.

As someone else said, if her own DS wanted to do footie at 530pm, I'd expect him to be treated the same but I suspect she could be bothered to take him if needed.

But then the whole tone of this thread can be condensed into:-

Her Husband is sexist, borderline controlling and abusive man, her DSS should be kept at spitting distance and she should take no part in what he does while there, or offer to help or anything with him ever.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 13:42

Why is [occasionally] so bad?

Hence my second statement in that same post which you seem to have missed.

The thread was not occasionally - it was about regularly taking 13yr old a journey of less than 20 mins every week. Whilst wrangly two tired and hungry younger siblings. All at the behest of a DH who knows he will not be around to help. The only lack of kindness I can see here is from the DH.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 13:43

Her Husband is sexist, borderline controlling and abusive man, her DSS should be kept at spitting distance and she should take no part in what he does while there, or offer to help or anything with him ever.

Ok plainly we are reading different threads. YMVs

retreatwhispering · 23/09/2017 13:47

' it's about occasionally being kind enough to offer a lift. Why is that so bad?'
It's not bad. Just very inconvenient to three other people. Including one person who needs a set daily routine. Why not be kind enough to offer to walk? He's 13. Being a stepson is irrelevant. And the lifts would be regular, not occasional.

OP I just noticed you said that other children from your road walk. Can your DH find him someone locally to walk with? Or possibly get your DH to ask another local parent to bring him home?

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 13:50

I wonder how much quality chat time the OP is likely to have with the 13 YO with a 7 and a 4 YO also in the car hmm

Well you never know but the 13 year old may even chat to the younger DC. Imagine that fantasy. Shock

You have to love the AIBU topic though. Grin

CoalTit · 23/09/2017 13:51

Stick to your guns, OP. YANBU at all.

Liadain · 23/09/2017 13:53

*Mumsnet is pathetic when it comes to stepmums "oh poor boy nobody cares about him". Yeah this kid is bloody neglected because he might have to walk a mile. Fuck off.

Why should op tie herself in knots because a lazy 13yo doesnt want to walk 15 minutes to something that HE wants to do? If she'd do the same to her own son, then she should do it to her ss.*

Damn right. It's a very short distance to walk. If dss wants to do football training, he can walk it - it's good for his independence and makes dinner times easier to manage for op and the two younger children. It's a no brainer. He is not being asked to walk 20 miles, uphill both ways, in the snow with no shoes.

Stepparents on here can just never win, it seems.

titchy · 23/09/2017 13:57

FFS he's 13 and perfectly capable of walking for 15 minutes to get to an activity. All this 'awww it's a bit mean' etc. Stop pandering!

If he can't be arsed to walk 15 minutes he clearly isn't that bothered about the activity.

And yes your dh should have checked with you first - totally unfair of him.

youarenotkiddingme · 23/09/2017 13:58

You sound unkind to DSS.

He is part of your family and it's normal for 13yo to have clubs that are early/late evening and not straight from school. Will you be refusing your own children clubs at that age too? Or expect them to walk whatever the weather?

My ds swims with a club. It's 3 evenings a week for 1-2 hours. He's the same age as your DSS and the other parents with younger children who also work manage to facilitate it. It means sacrifices but it's not an uncommon situation.
I find it's the parents who work longest hours who do the galas and those who work shorter hours and are around evenings at the right time do the training.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/09/2017 13:59

It's not about ferrying them everywhere, it's about occasionally being kind enough to offer a lift. Why is that so bad?

It is about ferrying them everywhere, which is why her husband is banging on about it all the time.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/09/2017 14:00

You sound unkind to DSS.

No she doesn't you plank.

Christ on a bike, stepmothers on here cannot catch a fucking break.

Appuskidu · 23/09/2017 14:02

I would be pissed off if my DH had signed me up to do this for anyone-son or step son without consulting me!

titchy · 23/09/2017 14:02

Will you be refusing your own children clubs at that age too?

I'm sure OP would be more than happy asking her teenagers to walk for 15 minutes to a club they wanted to do. Why do you assume she wouldn't be?

corythatwas · 23/09/2017 14:03

It is at times like these that I am happy I am unable to drive. Ds either walks or he doesn't get there, nobody gets upset, nobody feels unloved. Smile

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